Cam Newton reached out to Johnny Manziel this week in the wake of Johnny’s recent (and current) scandals. Both players are Heisman Trophy winners. And both players endured their own laundry list of headline-creating behavior during their time in the NCAA. So what sort of advice did Cam give to Johnny?
Luckily, we managed to get a copy of the letter he sent to Johnny Football.
Dear Johnny,
Hey man. I heard about some of the trouble you’ve been going through and I just wanted to reach out. I know how hard it can be to deal with all the stress and pressure of sudden fame. Sometimes it can seem overwhelming and you may stray off the right path and make some poor decisions. Well, from one Heisman winner to another, I’d like to offer you a little advice as you go through these troubled times.
1. Use a Ski Mask
If I had one regret during college it’s that I didn’t use a ski mask when I “borrowed” that guy’s laptop. I’ve learned the hard way that a ski mask is a great tool to hide your face when you’re out running some “errands.” That way, no one can see what your face looks like when you’re out “borrowing” stuff and you can just kinda do whatever you want. And apparently people seeing your face always makes the cops show up after you run an “errand.” (When I put quotes around a word it means “stealing laptops.”)
2. Don’t Take Checks
Whenever someone pays you for your autograph or for showing up at an event or for playing for a college team, make sure you don’t ask for your money in a check. Apparently the banks keep those and then people can use them to find out that you got some money for the things you did. Cash is the best. I heard PayPal was pretty cool. Maybe look into that, too.
3. Take Photos of Yourself Not Holding Money
I know this one sounds kind of weird, but apparently photos of you holding big wads of money makes everyone go all crazy. The next time you take a photo of yourself, put your giant pile of $100 bills you got for signing a bunch of photos of yourself behind your back or behind the camera or something. Or just walk over to the roulette table and put it all on black (Wesley Snipes LOL.)
4. Come Up With Different Words For Stuff
You’re already pretty good at this one, but I found that if you just give a word a different meaning, it’s super helpful. Here are some examples:
Hungover = Overslept (This was yours. Genius!)
Taking Money = Taken Advantage Of
Signing Stuff For Monetary Gain On Camera = Just Joking Around
Assholes = Dedicated A&M Fans and/or NCAA Rules Committee
Shitty College Station = Awesome College Station
Alcohol Counseling = Studying for the Bar (this one’s kind of a joke ROFL)
It’s that simple. Just come up with different words to describe the stuff you do and you’ll be in the cleared of all charges before you know it. I’m currently writing this while selfishly celebrating a 4th touchdown even though my team is down 24. (But I’m actually not doing that because the season hasn’t started yet. See how easy it is to make words mean whatever you want.)
5. Transfer Schools
Remember, no matter what happens with the cops or the reporters or the alumni or whatever, you can always transfer schools and then win a championship. I mean, it’s kind of awesome. It’s like nothing happened at all and then you walk away with a bunch of fame and even more money than before. College rules!
See you at the craps table,
Cam
P.S. Can I borrow your laptop? LOL.
