But since most of you have probably found yourselves at the receiving end of bullying more often then not, we thought to offer some suggestions as to what to do the next time some asshole tries to gaffle your lunch money/girlfriend/promotion/etc.
A little geek getting his lunch money took like a sucker.
At School: If you are being bullied at school, good luck fighting back. You may think you know how to take a punch, but chances are that the bully in question has got the crap kicked out of them by their alcoholic father so many times that a runaway truck couldn’t stop them from stomping you into paste. What’s a little geek like you supposed to do then? The answer is simple. Make friends with an even bigger, even meaner bully, and tell them that the jerk bothering you has been going around telling everyone that he boned the meaner bully’s mother. Bullies will not check facts before giving someone a pounding, and they do not show remorse when proven wrong later. You’ll be wearing your lunch money on your sleeve with blatant disregard while your tormentor is cooling their heels in the county hospital. Great job!
Some idiot getting pwned at the workplace for having a funny hairstyle.
The Workplace: Getting bullied at work? Jesus man, you’d thing that you’d grow out of it, but once a wiener always a wiener I suppose. Lucky for you, physical violence is not commonplace in the workplace. But that won’t stop your bully from making you look like a punk at every given opportunity. The best way to combat this is to put them on the defensive. Start by planting disinformation about your co-worker throughout the office. Make sure that all the office gossips know that your bully is an alcoholic, toupee wearing, office supply stealing date rapist who touches animals in their bathing suit area, moonlights as a rodeo clown and is quite possibly a terrorist. He’ll be so busy defending against these rampant accusations that he’ll forget all about you! Great job!
Two distinguished gentlemen having a disagreement outside a local beverage serving establishment.
The Bar/Club: The bar is a little stickier, because you can get beat up here, and also because alcohol is sticky. If you are being bullied at a bar, you can’t really back down or you will look like a bitch in front of the ladies. You also will have a hard time talking your way out of trouble when dealing with a pissed off, drunken ex-con hell bent on kicking your ass and banging your girlfriend, because these people are irrational. Why not offer to buy him a drink? Whisper in your date’s ear to go bring the car around. While your new pal is distracted by your act of generosity, smash a bottle or glass on his head and run like hell! Bonus points if he gets lemon or limejuice in his eyes. Dive into the passenger seat like a Duke of Hazard and peel out before anyone even knows what happened. Also, your chick will be turned on by your crazy and dangerous behavior. Just don’t plan on going back to that place anytime soon. Great Job!
Two sweat hogs duking it out at the family reunion over the last turkey leg.
Family Gatherings: Family gatherings are hot beds of bullying. Parents, siblings, cousins, in-laws, even pets, everyone is a potential enemy. After all, we can’t really choose our family, can we? You can, however, choose your friends. Why not bring a friend along that’s a walking, talking abuse magnet? I’m talking about a real John Arbuckle type fellow here, bad dresser, funny haircut, buckteeth, maybe a socially debilitating lisp or stutter. Use Poindexter as a decoy to soak up passive aggressive comments from your pill popping aunt, Indian burns from your ADD-riddled younger brother and outright verbal denigration from your football obsessed, Budweiser-swilling cousins. You’ll be in the clear, and your “friend”, the sucker, will be glad just to have had the opportunity to leave his mom’s basement for one glorious afternoon. Great job!
Some awesome old dude sticking it to the young whippersnappers.
On the Road: If you’ve ever driven a car for any prolonged amount of time, then you have been bullied at least a hundred times by road raging maniacs with blatant disregard for common sense and safety. One trick I like to use is the speed match. Make sure that you are on the freeway exit side of the freeway, and match your bully’s speed exactly, no matter how fast or slow he goes. Stare ahead obliviously as you do this so as to give no indication that what you’re doing is purposeful. Pretend you are deaf to his cacophonous honking. They’ll be so pissed when they miss their exit, you may have to prepare for a demolition derby. I hope you have good insurance! Great job!
Jimmy Hopkins putting the spurs to some nerd.
If battling bullies is not your thing, you can pretend to actually be one yourself instead, with Rockstar’s re-release of Bully on the Wii and Xbox 360. Both have improved graphics and additional content, such as a new 2-player mode, extra levels and missions, and special motion controls on the Wii. If you didn’t already play this on the PS2, or even if you have, there’s a lot of incentive to head back to Bullworth Academy one more time.
