Every human being needs a carrot dangled in front of them – something to keep them trucking through life in the hope that one day they’ll be able to reach out and grab that carrot and nibble on it like an accomplished rabbit. For women that carrot is usually an enjoyable job, a beautiful home and a loving family. For men that carrot is sex. Nothing else, just sex.
Unfortunately men have to jump through many hoops and overcome many obstacles in order to get sex. Here are 5 things that we do just to impress women:
4. Get a job
You may think that the job you’re currently working in is to help set you up for the future. Nope. It’s to help you get more sex. Think about it; that car you own, that salary you earn, that iPad 2 you bought and subsequently pull out at every opportunity you get to show it off – it’s all just more stuff that you use in order to convince people that sleeping with you is a good idea.
If it wasn’t for the fear that being unemployed would force you into a life of unwanted celibacy, you’d quite happily spend the rest of your years creating an arse-groove in your parents sofa, eating free food, forcing your Mom to do your laundry and laughing at the people on Jeremy Kyle. Ha, those people are such losers!
3. Hold in our farts
Not to make all men sound like big, gaseous blobs but… actually, that’s exactly what we are. When women aren’t around our toilet habits are what can only be described as disgusting. Without going into too much detail (mainly because my girlfriend may be reading this), we follow a three-step rule when it comes to, err, ‘expelling wind from our bodies’. It goes as follows:
1: Expel ‘wind’
2: Laugh at the sound of the ‘wind’
3: Inhale the ‘wind’ with an immense feeling of pride that our bodies can produce a scent that could burn the eyebrows off of a Sasquatch.
2. Buy a round of shots
Buying rounds is a completely pointless system that, if you’re in a group of 4 or more people, will always leave at least one person short-handed. If you’re with your male friends, you each go to the bar individually to ensure that you’re not going to finish the night by drunkenly standing outside of the club shouting about how everyone owes you money like you’re in the Mafia.
These rules change, however, when there are women in your company, as you suddenly decide that it would be a great idea to buy everyone in your immediate vicinity a round of shots. “I bet they think I’m like Ferris Bueller or something” you say to yourself, before realising that you haven’t got enough money to pay for the cab fare home.
1. Go to the gym
As previously mentioned, without the knowledge that spending the rest of your life sitting down and eating Pot Noodles would probably result in you never having sex again, you’d spend the rest of your life getting fat on the sofa.
Unfortunately, it isn’t enough for women that you simply get up and do something with your life – you also need to be physically fit, too. Females don’t take too kindly to a man who wheezes while he has sex with them, so you’re going to have to get yourself a gym membership and face the embarrassment of frantically running on a treadmill next to a bunch of weight-lifting guys who look like their bodies were carved by Ancient Greek sculptors.
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