With the release of the movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey getting everybody talking once again about BDSM, it’s likely that “kinky” sex (i.e. not 4 minutes of disappointing missionary followed by a cigarette) will yet again see a rise in bedrooms across the Western world, just as it did when the Fifty Shades book was released.
However, the many people dipping their toes into kink for the first time will do so with very little knowledge on what they should actually be doing, which is where jessica drake comes in. The renowned sex educator and porn star recently released BDSM For Beginners, the latest installment in her Guide to Wicked Sex series that teaches couples how to make their love lives more satisfying and pleasurable, and revealed to me a selection of pointers to help couples interested in BDSM, kink and everything in between.
CRAVE ONLINE: What changes have you noticed regarding the common perceptions of BDSM since 50 Shades of Grey became so popular?
JESSICA DRAKE: Since the books came out, I’ve noticed people picking up on some of the more stereotypical ideas of BDSM. For example, the book is perhaps encouraging people to recognize a BDSM dynamic with a very controlling male dominant and a helpless female submissive in need of rescue. This is what’s portrayed in the book, but it isn’t a realistic representation of the BDSM lifestyle. I have also noticed that people are more open to talking about BDSM, but I’m concerned that they’re feeding into the misinformation.
I once interviewed fetish porn actress Mistress T where she explained one of the “kinkier” fantasies her male audience had was imagining themselves as a burger, and that she was eating them… what are some of the other less frequent and stranger elements of BDSM that you have perhaps encountered?
Being that I am generally submissive, especially with men, I don’t often encounter things like that. However, I did have one very persistent fan who wanted me to slam his balls in a door over and over again, but this did not happen.
Also See: Weird Sex Stories That Make Fifty Shades of Grey Look Tame
BDSM features sexual partners adopting the role of either a “dominant” or a “submissive.” What are the benefits of both roles, in your opinion?
In my opinion, being dominant holds an air of power. From the outside it seems that the dominant, whether male or female, is the one in absolute control. I think that being the dom can put someone in a very powerful head space, but in my experience, the bottom line is that the submissive is the one calling the shots. The submissive is the one who surrenders control, but the submissive is also the one who’s in control by creating boundaries, setting safe words, and ultimately having the final say.
Which of these roles do you personally prefer?
I’m a sub at heart.
There have been criticisms from those who enjoyed BDSM prior to the release of 50 Shades of Grey that people were “bandwagoning” on the trend. Is that an opinion you personally hold?
Absolutely, but in admitting that I also think that it’s a great teaching opportunity. I think that if we use this chance to take advantage of the curiosity surrounding BDSM, we may ultimately remove at least some of the stigma and some of the misinformation.
There is a commonly held opinion, perhaps because of porn and how male-focused it tends to be, that BDSM is something that men prefer over women, and being a “submissive” isn’t something that women would particularly enjoy. What would your argument be against that?
I would say that I have spoken to both male and female dominants and subs, and that during BDSM play, it can be easy to cast aside traditional gender roles. Men who feel pressured from society to be very strong, or masculine or macho may enjoy surrendering control, and exploring a different side of themselves. From my own personal experience being a woman, I find that being submissive and surrendering control – at least temporarily – is a very unique type of freedom.
Do you think the stigma surrounding kink is being broken down to the point where it will eventually reach a wider mainstream audience, or do you think it will always remain taboo?
There are a few parts to this answer. First of all, I would say that a large majority of the population is already engaging in some form of BDSM – even if they’re not recognizing it. Hair-pulling, light spanking, teasing your partner and delaying their orgasm – these are all small facets of BDSM. So I do think the increase in popularity will somewhat assist in removing the stigma, but as long as you have the ratings board giving the movie an R rating due to “unusual behavior,” things like that are only going to reinforce the stigma and attach shame to something that so many people are already into.
What would your advice be to men and women out there who have BDSM fantasies, but who feel too embarrassed to introduce it into their sex lives?
Don’t be! Don’t be embarrassed to try new things. Do your research, start slow, and share a fantasy with subtle BDSM undertones with your partner, rather than to go the whole whips and chains route immediately.
How would you suggest couples interested in BDSM first begin exploring it?
I would say, its fun to be inspired by the Fifty Shades of Grey the book and the movie, but bear in mind that they are fantasy meant for entertainment purposes. Use these as a stepping stone into this new world of BDSM, and do your research. Read books on the topic of BDSM. One of my favorite BDSM books is “S&M 101” by Jane Wiseman. Also, watch my “Guide to Wicked Sex: BDSM for Beginners” instructional, where I can take you step by step through subjects like safety, communication and negotiations, safe words, restraints, spanking, and much more.
Photos: Wicked.com
