Is there anything more humiliating than being stood up on a date? If you’ve been stood up, it essentially means that the other person has thought “I was going to give them a chance, but upon further consideration I’ve decided that they’re not attractive enough for me to do so, and aren’t important enough for me to even bother contacting them in regards to my absence.” It’s an altogether awful situation, but fear not: there are some ways to make it more bearable.
The following tips are to be employed the next time you find yourself being stood up (though for your sake we hope that’s never the case), and may stand to make the whole ordeal go a lot more smoothly. You’ll still be drenched in shame, of course, but at least by employing these tips you’ll have some sort of control of the events that follow the moment of bleak realization when you consider that your would-be date has pulled out without even bothering to tell you a white lie.
Here’s what you should do when you’ve been stood up:
Use your iPhone in order to pretend you’re busy.
The tried and tested method for diverting attention away from your most awkward moments, grabbing your smartphone and busily opening apps, checking Facebook/Twitter and pretending to text your friends is a good way of letting the other people in this restaurant know that you didn’t need her anyway, and that even though she’s clearly decided at the last minute that you’re really not suitable dating material, your excessive smartphone usage indicates that you’re a fun guy with a healthy social life and you absolutely aren’t going to die alone.
Nope, you’re not going to die alone.
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DIE ALONE.
Tell a lie to your waiter.
The first people to notice that you’ve been stood up will be the restaurant’s staff, as they’re desperate to take your order so that you leave their establishment quicker and they can lock up and go to bed. You know that when they venture back into the kitchen after the third attempt at asking whether you’re ready to order, they’re probably all talking about you, potentially laughing behind your back and discussing how much of a loser you are. You must do something to rectify this. When the waiter next pops up to ask you in an increasingly impatient tone whether you want to order your starter, reply: “Not just yet, I’m waiting for my co-workers. They said they’d be here half hour ago! They’re always late.”
This will ensure that the waiter now believes that you aren’t on a date after all, but rather you’re waiting for a very important meeting that just so happens to be taking place in a restaurant most regularly frequented by couples. Either that, or he’ll realize that you’re trying to save yourself from further embarrassment and he’ll go back into the kitchen in order to tell the staff, with them now laughing at you even harder than they were before. But hey, at least you tried.
Get up and leave immediately.
Maybe she’s just running late and her phone is out of battery so she can’t text you to inform you, but why take that chance? If you arrive at the restaurant and she’s nowhere to be seen, give it approximately seven minutes before you get up out of your seat and run to the exit before anyone notices you. Yes, you’re running the risk of her turning up after you, therefore meaning that you’ll have stood her up, but you’ve got to look out for yourself in this world, friend. Remember the old saying: “Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice and I’ll run out of the restaurant, get a cab home and you’ll never hear from me ever again.”
Keep on drinking.
At a certain point in the evening you’re going to want to consider whether you:
A) Want to look like the kind of man who is so unlovable and utterly inconsequential that someone would cancel their date with him without even telling him, or
B) Want to look like the kind of man who turns up to a restaurant, orders a table but then does nothing other than continue to ply himself with alcohol.
If you’ve opted for B, then make your way to the bar and order whatever’s cheapest, inevitably getting to the point of inebriation where you decide that the best use of your evening is to explain your cripplingly disappointing dating history with the nameless bartender.
Take yourself on a date.
No matter how many times you check your watch, you’re going to have to face facts – she’s not turning up. But you don’t need her. In fact, you don’t need ANYONE. You’ve now got a whole evening to yourself, and who knows you better than you? No one, that’s who.
Order yourself a meal (it’ll be even cheaper now that you’re only paying for one person!) go out for a few drinks, and paint the town red. Or at least a very strong shade of beige, because c’mon, if you liked your own company that much then you wouldn’t be going on dates in the first place.
Though you may initially feel a little embarrassed as you meander through the city on your own, visiting places most commonly frequented by groups of friends and couples, you’ll eventually feel liberated that you can have a good time all by yourself… until the crippling anxiety settles in that everyone here is looking at you and thinking “what on Earth is this guy doing here by himself?” at which point you’ll promptly call a cab and leave.
But hey, you had a good run.
Photos: Getty Images
