Crappy Social Distancing Friend
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You Never Call
You also never write, but that’s OK. Nobody ever writes anymore.
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You Never Answer When We Call
We know you’re just sitting there, in the dark, staring at your phone and waiting for it to stop ringing so you can text us.
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You’re Not Addicted to Social Media
Meaning: You never like or comment on the fact that we, in no particular order: learned how to bake, have single-handedly home-schooled all of the children, invented a new music genre, fought a shark, learned French, mastered every yoga technique and took piano lessons. It’s like you don’t even care, bro.
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Speaking of Yoga
You never come to our gym’s twice-daily virtual yoga class. We saved a spot for you in the corner of our screen and everything.
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You Avoid Play Dates Like, Well, the Plague
Every week, you get invited to a virtual play date for our children. And so what if said play date merely consists of us drinking wine and Face-Timing while our kids just watch the same show on their tablets in the next room? It’s the spirit of things, and you have none.
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You Don't Offer to Pet Sit
How are we supposed to go to the socially-distanced Catalina wine mixer if nobody can watch our cat? We don’t ask for much. We just wanted one weekend where we could go sample the wine mixes of Catalina, 6 feet away from other wine mixer enthusiasts. And where were you? Nowhere to be seen. It’s the fucking Catalina wine mixer!
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You Didn't Come to Our Webcam Wedding
And you were the best man. Do you know how embarrassing it was to stand in front of dozens of our loved ones’ place cards while they watched from home and not have our best man pretending to stand beside us? Who was there to pantomime giving us the rings? Not you, that’s who.
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You Literally Sexted Our New Spouse
On our wedding night. The wedding you didn’t show up for. You are dead to us.
…unless you want to do a Zoom Happy Hour on Thursday. We’ll text you.
