Well, week 14 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
Denver
Denver lost to San Diego because Wes Welker was out and you can’t expect Peyton to pull out a win with only 5 good wide receivers. If I were Peyton Manning, anytime a reporter asked me about my struggles in a game I would respond with, “Yeah, sorry I threw that interception. Did I mention that my neck was so messed up they had to fuse it together like a robot in ‘Pacific Rim’ less than two years ago? Next question.”
New England
There’s nothing funnier to me than seeing Tom Brady throw an interception to lose a game. You know he plays it cool, but as soon as he walks into the locker room he starts throwing bottles of Evian water everywhere. I bet he goes home, locks himself in the bathroom, and angrily applies various gels and putties to his illustrious hair for hours while mumbling curse words under his breath.
Cleveland
No team can blow a lead like the Cleveland Browns. There’s no way Josh Gordon wants to sign a long-term contract with this team. He’s responsible for approximately 9,000 yards over the past five weeks, but his team still finds a way to lose. What if Josh Gordon holds a nationally televised press conference then announces he’s signing with the Miami Dolphins? The citizens of Cleveland would march like Revolutionary War soldiers down to Florida and declare war.
Washington
Does Mike Shanahan just hate his job? He benched RG3 for the year, you know, because he needs to be healthy in case an NBA team picks him up next month. Now, his team gets a touchdown with just seconds left at the end of the game, he decides to go for two instead of taking it to overtime. Rumors have it that he went for it so the game would be over because he’s a big “Homeland” fan and wanted to make sure he was home in time to watch it live, avoiding any chance of spoilers.
Philadelphia
The Vikings were missing 80% of their offense on Sunday, since Adrian Peterson was out. Apparently the Eagles did what the rest of the world did, and completely overlooked the Christian Ponder-less Vikings. Minnesota put up 48 points on the shoulders of Matt Asiata who is the 37th string running back for the team. If you don’t recognize his name, it’s because, before this week, his only NFL accomplishment was completing the tutorial on Madden 09.
New York Giants
Wait, so you mean to tell me that there are actually people who picked the Seahawks to lose to the Giants this week? There’s a better chance of Eli Manning being cast as Othello. Here’s a few other roles Eli Manning probably wouldn’t be selected for:
- Man who loves books
- Any part besides the starring role in a “Simon Birch” prequel
- Guy who can read above a 6th grade learning level
- Businessman who doesn’t eat cereal for every meal
Jacksonville
I’m sure everyone in Jacksonville and Buffalo had this date circled on their calendar for months. Also under the circle it said, “find something else to do today, because football is dead.” There were some points put up, even without Maurice Jones-Drew on the field, but in the end, the real losers were the people unfortunate enough not to have the Redzone Channel and had to watch this game. Don’t get me wrong, both teams played hard, but it had as much playoff implications as the time you and your fat cousin Ricky raced down a hill on Razr scooters.
New Orleans
It was bizarro week as Drew Brees was completely shut down. The only thing that ran worse than the Saints’ offense was the ObamaCare website. Luckily for the Saints, almost every other division leading team lost this week so no one will notice that Zac Stacy ran over them like Brad Pitt at the beginning of “Meet Joe Black.” If you haven’t seen that movie in a while, now’s a great time to see Brad Pitt bounce off a series of cars like a beautiful pinball machine.
Dallas
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! All the experts want to talk about how great Tony Romo is, and how critics unfairly judge him. This is exactly why the jokes will never stop. It’s not that Romo throws interceptions, all quarterbacks do. The problem is that his timing is like a guy who wants to high five you at your dad’s funeral. By the way, Romo may not be the best on the field under pressure, but no one is a bigger toddler than Dez Bryant. The last wide receiver that behaved like that ended up doing sit-ups in his front yard hoping a team would sign him.
New York Jets
The Jets lost, which probably wasn’t a shock to anyone except Santonio Holmes who said before the game that the Panthers’ secondary was the weakest link of their defense. That’s a good idea, Santonio. You always want to motivate a defense to play even harder when your quarterback is Geno “At Least I’m Not Mark Sanchez, Right?” Smith. Maybe next week he against the Browns he’ll give all of the cornerbacks stilts or make all of his offensive linemen wear blindfolds. Great job, Santonio!
Tennessee
The Titans rallied back from a 17-point deficit, only to lose in overtime. That basically sums up the entire season for the Titans, who are always a threat, but can rarely finish off a game. They’re like if “Dexter” was a football team. I know “Dexter” ended months ago, but that show’s final season still pisses me off.
Cincinnati
You know how a team will usually lose because of blown coverage or poor throws? The Bengals decided to take a different approach and threw their game away with botched punts and unintentional fair catches. How do you accidentally call for a fair catch? It’s like accidentally riding a horse onto the field. “Oh I can’t do that? Sorry, I actually forgot I was riding on a horse. This happens at least six or seven times per day, to be honest.” Get your life together, Cedric Peerman.
Houston
The Texans have lost 12 games in a row. TWELVE games. Maybe Matt Schaub wasn’t the problem after all, huh? The fans were so happy to get Case Keenum, whose name sounds like an episode of Scandal, but the results turned out the same. Better luck in 7 years, Texans!
Tampa Bay
Tampa may have lost, but the weirdest moment of the game was when Michael Crabtree missed a pass and, instead of walking back to the huddle, he grabbed the ball and threw it as far as he possibly could. What happened? Did he have the same surgery as Henry Rowengartner from “Rookie of the Year” and can no longer control his arm’s strength? Somebody let Daniel Stern know we have a new pitcher for the Cubs!
Detroit
I’ve tried to defend Matt Stafford as much as possible, but games like that make it tough to justify him. He throws more interceptions than a drunk Tim Tebow. I don’t understand how it’s possible to throw an interception with Calvin Johnson on your team. You could throw underhand in his direction twelve feet in the air and he’d be the only one who could catch it. The Ravens are now in a wildcard spot so get ready for all those fans who were HUGE Ravens fans during the Super Bowl last year to suddenly remember how much they love their team and start wearing their jerseys again. Welcome back!
