Hey, losers.
Are you sick of owning a video game console that has no positive impact upon your sex life? Is your dating schedule bereft of action as a result of being forced to wait three years for your PS4 to download a 2GB update? Are you struggling to make time for romance because you’re too busy scrolling through four thousand pages on the Xbox One dashboard in order to play a game? Fortunately, the Nintendo Switch is here to make you more attractive to women and more popular, too!
Also: PS4 Pro Frame Rate “Boost Mode” Reportedly Included in PS4 Update
A new TV commercial for the Switch has highlighted how the console allows you to “play anytime, anywhere, with anyone,” but by “play” I’m pretty sure they mean “have sex.” Although Nintendo is a family-friendly company so there’s no explicit reference to shagging in the commercial, it’s certainly suggested that owning one of these consoles will make you inherently more shaggable or, at the very least, more likely to have friends. Friends who you might shag later, depending upon how often you meet up to play with your Switch.
Let’s break down the commercial in order to see why the Nintendo Switch will make you both more shaggable and more popular.
If this guy didn’t have a Nintendo Switch in his hand, this would have otherwise been a typical morning commute for this woman. However, the addition of the Switch provides her with entertainment as she tries to forget about her soulless admin job, with green jacket over here facilitating a brief moment of respite before she has to go sit in a gray cubicle and fantasize about murdering Kathy in accounts for eight hours. Judging by green jacket’s scruffily handsome appearance, he’s probably on his way to a modelling audition for some faux-vintage clothing company, with him being forced to make a pair of denim dungarees look moderately respectable in a photo shoot that will be financially rewarding, but ultimately leave a stain on his self-esteem that he’ll never be able to wipe clean.
However, for this brief moment they lock eyes and realize that, yeah, adult life may be hard, but Link’s like 15 years old and all he ever does is fight goblins and throw chickens around. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild brings them together, and all thanks to the Nintendo Switch.
Not only will the Nintendo Switch help you attract women on the bus, but you’ll also be able to show up to the skate park with your big muscles and attract them there, too. Even though the man shown above is quite clearly approaching his 30s, this woman doesn’t seem to mind that he’s whiling away his afternoon with a bunch of 14-year-old skaters, despite him not even being in possession of a skateboard. Typically such behavior would arouse suspicion, but this woman is incentivized by needing someone to play the Switch with her, so she’s willing to overlook his faults — and the possibility that he’s on a government list — in order to do so.
Then you have this guy here, who’s so enamored with the Nintendo Switch that he can’t even be bothered to look away from his screen while an attractive woman is dancing right in front of him. According to the commercial he’s playing Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, so he’s not even overlooking sex in favor of a new game. That shit’s three years old. The implication is clear — he’s had so much sex following his purchasing of the Switch that he no longer feels compelled to even avert his eyes from a 3-year-old game to take a passing glance at a pair of pirouetting buttocks. Make no mistake, this guy fucks.
Next we move on to New Media Employee #101 here, fresh from writing a listicle about 13 Abandonment Issues Only ’90s Kids Will Understand and with a photograph of a fucking waffle stuck to his office wall.
He uses the Switch to attract the attention of a co-worker…
…and they both bond over Mario Kart 8 and, presumably, just how little they medically need their designer tortoiseshell glasses. However, considering that the Switch’s portable display is just 6.2 inches, if they spend too much time trying to play Mario Kart in splitscreen they’ll likely squint so much that they’ll wind up going blind anyway.
Then you have this collection of friends spending time with one another in a wireless multiplayer Switch session, enjoying the console as they wait for their flights. Unlike the other scenes in this commercial, which focus upon youthful joy and exuberance, this one’s more in line with the reality of a post-Trump world, with it featuring an airport occupied almost solely by white people.
This collection of twenty-something-year-olds have even brought their Switch consoles to a college lecture, playing a round of Splatoon 2 while trying to distract themselves from the crippling student debt they’re accumulating every second they nonchalantly sit on top of their desks. Nintendo is clearly being very optimistic about the Switch, as there are eight people shown playing the console in this image, which is roughly four more than the number of people who bought the Wii U.
But it’s not just students who can increase the size of their friendship group by way of the Switch. Look at this collection of millennial fun-lovers, enjoying a BBQ that almost certainly boasts just as much kale as it does meat. Here they are playing a game of 1-2 Switch, in which the losing player falls backwards into a pool for some reason. The Switch’s JoyCon controllers cost $79 for a pair, but let’s face it, every person in the above image looks like they own an electric car. They can afford it.
So there you have it; according to these commercials, if you lay down $299.99 on the Switch not only will you obtain more friends, but you’ll also be a more successful shagger. Sure, the PS4 Pro and Xbox One Scorpio may open the door to 4K console gaming for you this year, but will they help eradicate your crushing loneliness? I thought not.
