Gwyneth Paltrow wants to heal what ails you – using extreme alternative therapies like orgasm workshops, exorcisms, and psychedelic mushrooms. She explores these unconventional treatments in her new Netflix series, The Goop Lab, which starts streaming Jan. 24. The show poster places Paltrow against a vagina-like background, with the tagline, “Reach new depths.” Um…
Paltrow founded the lifestyle company Goop in 2008; this six-episode reality series is just the latest outrageous way she’s boosting the brand. But Goop has waded into snake oil salesman territory before. In 2018, the company settled a lawsuit for $145K over its yoni egg, a $66 weighted talisman that women were advised to insert in their vaginas. Goop claimed the egg could regulate periods, balance hormones, improve bladder control, and prevent uterine prolapse – all without scientific data backing up those claims. Goop also got into hot water over the assertion that its Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend essential oil could cure depression. (If only.)
But all press is good press in Paltrow’s world, and the latest controversy brewing over her Netflix series is no exception. In the new Goop Lab trailer, the former actress asks, “How can we really milk the shit out of this?” Well, here’s what she came up with: subject her team to woo-hoo healing methods that have little to no proof of their effectiveness and film them freaking out.
We’re all for homeopathic medicine, but even we know that jerking off and getting high won’t cure our health problems (trust us, we’ve tried). In honor of the surely entertaining but completely dubious scenarios about to be featured on The Goop Lab, we’ve rounded up a list of 10 ridiculous alternative healing therapies. We here at Mandatory make no claims about their effectiveness, other than that of draining your wallet.
Cover Photo: Netflix
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Weird Alternative Healing Therapies
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Accupuncture
While paying someone to stick needles in you sounds like a form of BDSM, it can be surprisingly relaxing. Most acupuncturists will treat you like a pin cushion, then leave you in a dark room to "rest." In other words, it's the most expensive nap of your life.
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Beer Spa
A boozer's dream come true, the trend of beer spas is catching on in destinations like the Czech Republic. Submerging yourself in a bathtub or pool of brewski is said to not only relax you but to also ease achy joints and muscles. Bonus: you absorb the alcohol through your skin, so if you add a pint to drink during your therapy treatment, you'll get double the buzz.
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Cold Therapy
Athletes have been using cryotherapy forever to facilitate recovery after strenuous exercise, but now it's catching on to the general public. The temperature drop is said to reduce inflammation and relieve pain. Just beware: everything constricts in cold. Everything.
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Cupping
Cupping might seem like a new trend, but it's been around for ages. Basically, heat and suction are used on various points along the body to improve blood flow and promote relaxation, similar to a massage. Be prepared for some funky looking bruises afterwards.
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Exorcism
Well, this is one way to confront your demons, though it seems like this methodology would be more traumatizing than healing. If your head spins around while vomiting, you've gone too far.
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Leech Therapy
Those slimy little suckers can reportedly detox your blood and keep you looking young. Just ask Demi Moore -- she's a fan.
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Psychedelic Mushrooms
Psilocybin, the active ingredient in magic mushrooms, was being studied and used medicinally in the '60s before the DEA declared it a Schedule I illicit drug in 1970. Now, researchers are exploring how psychedelic trips might help people fight addictions and depression. But until the science is there, its effectiveness is anecdotal. Which is fine by us.
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Orgasm Workshops
Orgasms feel good. We can all agree on that. But can they cure medical issues or mental illness? The jury is out. But it can't hurt, right? Getting off in a group setting with an instructor present, however, isn't quite what we had in mind.
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Psychic Medium
The New York Times has declared psychic mediums "the new wellness coaches." Rather than communicate with dead relatives, modern psychics focus on teaching people to tap into their intuition. Sounds great in theory, but could they do it without charging an arm and a leg? We'll stick to insurance-covered therapy sessions and talk to late Aunt Marge with the Ouija board instead. Thanks.
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Urine Therapy
We're pretty sure this homeopathic trend started as a prank that some desperate suburban mom glommed onto (much to her brother-in-law's delight). The thinking is that applying your urine to your skin or gums, or gulping it down (blech), can act as an anti-carcinogen. We'll wait for the cold, hard facts on that before partaking.
