The presidential candidate you plan to cast your ballot for says everything about you, from your upbringing to your education to your life philosophy. Presidential candidates, after all, are just mirrors, reflecting back what we want to see in ourselves, whether that’s ruthless ambition, altruistic goals, or irresistible charm. By examining why a certain politician appeals to you, you’ll learn more about yourself (because it all comes down to personality, not policies). We’ve done the groundwork for you. Here’s what your favorite presidential candidate says about you.
Cover Photo: TIMOTHY A. CLARY / Contributor (Getty Images)
Life skills: The Pete Buttigieg Guide For Putting Your Pants on Two Legs at a Time (Even If You’re Too Big For Your Britches)
Money talks: The Michael Bloomberg Guide to Buying People’s Affection
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Presidential Candidate Says About You
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Bernie Sanders
You’re a dreamer. You believe we can have nice things and that the money to pay for them really does grow on trees. Free health care, free college -- you deserve it all, and so do your friends. Grandpa Bernie is going to give it to you. What you fail to realize that “free” is a four-letter word, and when you see the price tag for all those “free” perks you think the government should hand out, you’re going to get so angry, you’ll turn purple just like Bernie does during his speeches.
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Pete Buttigieg
You’re a special snowflake. You know because your parents told you so every opportunity they got when you were growing up. You didn’t do great in private school, but the teachers adored you, so they moved you up through the ranks and pretty soon you found yourself holding an acceptance letter to an Ivy League college, where you wasted four years studying philosophy. Now you think you know how the world works – or rather, you know all the ways Boomers are messing things up for your generation. Your solution? To elect what would be the youngest president of the United States ever. Because youth is the answer to everything.
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Amy Klobuchar
You grew up in the Midwest, raised on hotdish and whole milk. You won every spelling bee in school. You were taught to be polite and humble, and to believe that compromise is a virtue. You keep your head down, work hard, and avoid conflict. Looks are not important to you; it’s what on the inside that counts. Secretly, you think you’re the best person you’ve ever met, but you manage to keep that to yourself (most of the time). You don’t really want to change the world, just maintain the status quo. And Amy Klobuchar seems to be right there with you.
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Elizabeth Warren
You’re a Gen Xer. You spent most of your teen years depressed, listening to Nirvana, and sneaking cigarettes from your parents’ stash. But then you went to college and cleaned up your act and were determined to make something of yourself. Unfortunately, the economy tanked – more than once. Now, despite your good manners and solid work ethic and exceptional education, you’re still stuck in the same entry-level jobs you had when you were a new college grad, but you can’t afford to quit because health care is too expensive. Oh, and you have $50K in student debt. You believe the system is rigged and you’re looking for a financial savior. Elizabeth Warren seems to be it. If only she could win.
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Joe Biden
You’re old AF. Or blind. Or both. And so is the candidate you’re rooting for. If you’re hitching your wagon to this guy, you’re nostalgic for the Obama administration and think this old geezer is going to resurrect the glory days. But those days are gone, friend, and now all that’s left is the crusty sidekick of one of the greatest presidents ever. But hope springs eternal, unlike youth, which abandoned Biden long ago, and no amount of push-up threats will bring it back. You feel bad for Biden, though, with his dead son sob story and his now precarious grip on the electorate, so you're going to vote for him anyway, even if he is a loser.
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Mike Bloomberg
You’re a die-hard fan of capitalism. Your approach to life’s problems, big or small, is “Throw some money at it!” You think pressing the flesh and stump speeches are overrated. All you need to really know a presidential candidate is an informative, heartfelt, 30-second advertisement. Everything else is just monkeys in the circus.
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Donald Trump
You’re average. Or you aspire to be average someday. Yet you feel like the world owes you something and it pisses you off that you don’t have more money, more women, more pleasure in life. You stomp around angry all day, blaming your lackluster existence on women who’ve managed to succeed despite sexism and people who look or live differently than you do. But there’s an equally angry, inarticulate, Cheeto-colored man in the Oval Office who gets you. He broadcasts all your ugly thoughts on every media platform available and you’re starting to think his policies (if they could ever get passed) will somehow compensate for your inability to hack life. What you can’t see is that the silver spoon-born Trump is part of the oppressive system that’s kept you, and others like you, down for a long time. But vote for him you will, especially if his opponent is a woman.
