Parenting is hard. Especially when you have unstable hillbillies to deal with, rogue FBI agents going through your trash, and a Mexican cartel to keep happy. But somehow, Wendy and Marty Byrde always manage to put parenting first. At least after all the bodies have been incinerated. (Hey, that’s Ozark for you.)
With Season 4 now streaming, there’s no shortage of new challenges the Byrde’s must face. And despite their ultimate fate remaining a mystery, one thing is clear: These guys sure know how to parent.
Over three (and a half) glorious seasons, we’ve witnessed a masterclass in good child-rearing. (Through the insanity of puberty no less.) A feat any survivor of parenthood can attest is harrowing at best.
Now don’t worry if you were too busy digging your nails into the arms of your sofa to take notes. We got you covered with our latest Mandatory Guide to Good Parenting.
Cover Photo: Netflix
Ozark 4 Parenting Guide
-
First Check To Make Sure Everyone Is Actually A Member Of Your Family
Because you don't want to be parenting some random kids that aren't even f*cking related to you.
-
Next Build A Strong Foundation As A Couple
Happy couples make good parents. That's why you should never let a few minor affairs, double-crosses, and unintentional murders come between you.
-
Be Honest
Let them know just how sh*tty things are going to get from here on out so they aren't ambushed by the harsh reality of existence.
-
Instill Good Values
Punctuality. Personal hygiene. And the kind of trust you can take to your grave, no matter how early that grave may come.
-
Take Time To Explain Things Thoroughly
Life is complex. It's important to take the time to walk your kids through any difficult questions that arise so they know exactly how many people need to be sacrificed in order to stay alive.
-
Show Them The Family Business
Lead by example. Show them there are lots of ways to make a living. And if they want to improve your proprietary money-laundering software instead of smoking pot under the bleachers, bonus points for you.
-
Take Spontaneous Family Trips
There's nothing like bundling everyone into the family van in the middle of the night and hitting the gas, even if it is just a thinly veiled and futile attempt to get away from the impending hammer of doom.
-
Encourage Family Participation
Even if they are just empty words to pacify and placate the slowly hardening psychosis of your children. Life is bleak. No need to sap the joy out of every moment, dad.
-
Introduce Them To Conveniently Located Mentors
Sometimes good parenting is all about letting the guy in the basement take the reins while you cope with a gaggle of assassins. That way, your kids have access to knowledge beyond your scope and a Rolodex of local mafia guys.
-
Support New Hobbys
You'd be surprised how many scholarships there are for excellent marksmanship.
-
Teach Them About Death
They'll thank you for it later in life when they're lying in the trunk of a car blindfolded and gasping for air. There's no reason for death to be some big mystery. In fact, next time you have a body to move, let them help with that.
-
Congratulations Awesome Parent!
Get ready to win Parent of the Year. (If you can survive that long.)
