Young Woman Using Laptop Computer. Photo: Kypros (Getty)
The life of an Instagram influencer may not be as glamorous as you would expect. I spent a day in the life with one of them, and let me tell you something, it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Here is the timeline I witnessed up close and way too personal. Just remember, this is every damn day for a self-proclaimed Instagram model, and it is not to be taken lightly.
6AM: Pretend I have a real job and post photo of myself from 6 days ago. Back to bed! #hustle #grind
9AM: Yell at my Instagram boyfriend to make me a sponsored brand fitness smoothie.
9:15: Tastes like pond water. Have boyfriend take 80 photos of me fake-drinking it before throwing it in the trash. #eatfresh
9:30: Instagram boyfriend already has carpel tunnel. #singlelife #independentwoman #whatscarpeltunnel
10AM: Empty out dick pic treasure chest in DMs. “Phone’s actually lighter now,” (Joe Rogan).
10:30: Fail at editing photos using 6 different beauty apps. Create Craigslist ad for “Fashion Intern for Social Media Mogul.” #beyonce #queenB
11AM: Lunch! Pizza with spaghetti and loaf of whole wheat. Post Insta-video next to uneaten food. #lovemycarbs
11:30: Take massive dump. #notbulimic while googling “how to trade followers for dollars”
11:45: Take post-massive dump skinny selfie in bathroom mirror. #fitness
11:50: Google symptoms. #braintumor
11:51: Go outside for once …to get a spray tan. #caligirl
Noon: Test-drive a convertible (sit in one parked at 7-11 and selfie hard). #barbiegirl.
12:28: No Wi-Fi, panic sets in. Google: “Can followers who don’t know me forget who I am?”
12:30: Wi-Fi is back, palpitations subside. Post funny video about what an inspiring day I’m having. #YOLO
12:45: Serial follow 3,000 strangers so they’ll follow me back. #deletetomorrow
1PM: Let some creepy millionaire with amazing Wi-Fi take photos of me on his private jet without taking off. #jetsetterforlife
1:30: Pretend traveling is fun and stress-free with photos holding someone-who-went-to-the-bathroom’s margarita. Toss margarita in decorative plane plant because #glutenallergy #ithinkthatswhatihave
2 PM: Layout by stranger’s pool and take selfies all day. #tanlines #sunsoutbunsout
2:15: Drop phone in pool. Down to three phones. #FML
2:30: Get out of sun, but continue posting pool photos for next six hours. #eczema
3PM: Create fake account of myself and tell followers to ignore in order to convince everyone I have fans. #itsme
3:15: Just found out “you’re” and “your” mean different things? #bilingual
3:30: Try on the 36 bikinis I bought on Amazon, pretend a major brand sent them instead. #thanksforthegift
4PM: Take videos of each new suit, asking people to weigh in on which they like most.
4:05: Receive nothing but dick pics in return. Post photo of winning suit. #bestfollowersever
4:10: Botox visit (say it’s the dentist). Post video of scary tools slowly panning to my cleavage. #blessed
5PM: FaceTime elderly French husband, asking him to wire more money. Offer free webcam session with my new face. “Connection failed.”
5:15: Hang outside of Olive Garden and smile at someone until they buy me pasta. #livingmybestlife
5:30: Post healthy vegetarian photo.
5:40: Throw veggies in garbage while shoving meatballs down my gullet. #feelgood #lookgood
6PM: Nap (masturbate to photos of myself).
8PM: Hang with my baes. #pregame #girlsnight #justmet
8:15: Take identical photos until phones #2 and #3 are full on storage.
8:30: Fake tequila shots into house plant. #glutenallergy #imalmostcertainthatswhatitis
9:45: Photos next to empty tequila bottles from the table next to us. #clubbing #ballerlife
10PM: Mistaken for waitress because I “look like I’m trying to make tips.” #FOMO
10:15: Apply for job at bar. #inspired
10:16: Got it!
10:20: Forgot about it. #lol
10:30: Photos photos photos, video video video. #allgirls #noloveinmylife
10:45: Home! Forgot to feed cat 🙁 Cat is dead. #YOLO
10:50: Throw dead cat out in hallway, add “puppy” to Amazon Wishlist. #rescuestory #buymesomething
10:55: Notice followers have dwindled. No-undies ass shot! #netflixandchill
11PM: Post video of sexy lingerie with finger in mouth. #goodnight #allalone
11:05: Only 20 new followers…
11:06: Buy more followers #norefunds
11:30: Full-on panic attack while finishing off leftover meatballs in bed.
11:45: Post old cat photos #cancersucks
11:50: Like comments from strangers who want to molest me and cry.
12AM: Time for sleep, opening shift at Starbucks tomorrow. #modellife
5AM: Post photo pretending I don’t have a real job.
5:30AM: Google “best community colleges for veterinarian degree” from Starbucks bathroom.
6AM: Get a couple harmless guys arrested. #starbucks
El Fin.
