The purpose of this column/series is to emulate how a meeting would go between a studio executive and a person, a passionate person, with an idea (pitch) for a movie. In this case, or every case for that matter with regards to this series, yours truly is that aforementioned passionate person.
Now that was the polite way of putting it.
In reality, the uninspired suited gatekeepers, who hold all the green light power, need a blunt kick to their out-of-touch bloody skulls! Yeah, they say you get more with honey (being nice). And in order for some these over-paid clowns to buy into a cinematic concept, and then move forward with funding the production, being nice can be the ideal approach. But since the world, specifically the realm of Hollywood, is already fake enough with people constantly masquerading with tactical kindness, let’s just cut the crap and, ironically, have a black-and-white old-school chat.
It’s not that Hollywood F’s it up all the time, but they sure do miss golden opportunities that can be quite baffling to the fans.
And that brings me to this week’s pitch/bitch: The Indiana Jones Finale
FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. FOOL ME TWICE, I WHIP YOUR ASS.
I really think I’m wasting my precious time here.
Seriously, after seeing the disaster in 2008, why am I pacing in this lavish office, talking to the new gatekeepers (House of Mouse) of Lucasfilm on how to improve something that fell so far from grace? Perhaps some things are better left buried. Maybe greatness can die. Shall we really kiss the past goodbye? (Yeah, I rhyme too).
Then again, sometimes, just sometimes, a new perspective can remedy a painful blemish.
Before we move forward though, I need to hear you Disney suits say it with me: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was one of the biggest misfires in cinematic history!
Scream It! Louder!!! Make me believe I should continue with opening up a way to regain the respect and dignity the first three installments garnered!
Okay… let’s play.
SEND THE LEGENDS OUT TO PASTURE
Those talking about, “Respecting your elders,” or “They’ve earned the right to do what they want,” f*ck that noise. George Lucas needs to live up to his word and retire from blockbusters and Steven Spielberg needs to slide out of the director’s chair regarding this franchise.
Do we have an accord? If so, journey with me to a reviving revelation…
NEW DISH WITH OLD RECIPE
Bring in John Turteltaub and place him in Spielberg’s legendary seat. He essentially directed the modern-day version of Indy with 2004’s National Treasure. And screw what critics thought (majority panned it)! Fans were into the Nicholas Cage led ride that flashed a brain with realistic old-school actions. So what if it was an improbable storyline? It’s a tongue-in-cheek adventure product, which matches up with the DNA of the Indy character that Harrison Ford whipped into pitch-perfect shape.
Now that that’s out there, here’s what the adventure involves and here’s how you subtly apologize to people who went to see this out of blind nostalgia and faith in its creators.
Shia LaBeouf was introduced as Indiana and Marion’s son in the rancid last go-around. He obviously follows in his father’s footsteps; therefore, he’s out on a quest of his own. In the opening 15 minutes or so, the focus is on him and his team as he’s tracking down something that isn’t revealed to the viewer just yet. And then, he abruptly bites it (dies in the first reel as they say). That’s the latest fad in Hollywood anyway; kill off a name actor early on.
Naturally, Indy comes out of “retirement” to retrace his son’s steps in tracking down his mysterious goal. This is where you can introduce a new sidekick of sorts, as one of LaBeouf’s team, thought dead with everyone else, crosses path with Indy and provides a mild assist. And I’ll even allow a few crafty scenes where, as Indy follows his son’s path, images of Shia are woven as he reenacts what his son may have searched out in a respective room. For those that aren’t aware of that – since all you know is bottom lines and numbers – we call that clever onscreen storytelling. But let’s say that concept is optional. Point is, at just about the halfway point, everyone figures out what the search is all about: the lost city of Atlantis.
BREAKING THE ICE
Settle down, cease the eye-rolling… Yeah, the idea has been used before in flicks. But this time, we’re going to explore the Wikipedia-level rumor that the lost city is buried in the icy landscape of Antarctica.
The screenplay can maneuver through all the Atlantis site rumors but the entire third act takes place in the frozen palace. Plus, it’s an environment that we ever see the main character ever explore (I don’t know about you, but personally, I’m sick of seeing Ford’s armpit stains). And even though finding the lost city would be the climactic moment, you have to take it a step further and seek out something that is hidden with the legendary realm.
This is truly going back to the roots of the cinematic legend, and it’s as easy as you just heard.
Admit it, you’re into it. I just smacked you so much simple wisdom that you’re actually excited about the possibilities of one more Doctor Jones outing! Hell, you’re even tweeting it to get the internet trollers speculating, or more specifically, working, to generate buzz… because just like the temperatures in Antarctica, it was a frigid zero up until this very moment.
Oh, and as for the cheesy title: Indiana Jones and the LONG Overdue Apology.
Joe Belcastro is a contributor to CraveOnline and the writer of the weekly series The Pitch. Follow him on Twitter @TheWritingDemon.
