Porn Parody Theater Presents: Breaking Bad XXX

By William Bibbiani

How do you make a porn parody of “Breaking Bad,” the acclaimed AMC television series about a guy who gets cancer and becomes a crystal meth entrepreneur to pay his bills? Well, there’s nothing sexy about cancer, so you give him acute erectile dysfunction instead. Oh, and cancer. He has erectile dysfunction as a result of cancer in Breaking Bad XXX. Mmm… that’s hot.

Or rather, since that’s NOT hot, you make him a pornographic filmmaker in a dystopian near-future Los Angeles, where making, distributing and even owning pornography is illegal. And just to motivate the hero to do something illegal in order to cure his erectile dysfunction, Viagra is illegal too.

Given the average age and gender of lawmakers in this country, any law prohibiting Viagra seems unlikely pass… ever… but that first part is based on actual fact. There was a time when making pornographic films was illegal – since paying people to have sex was technically prostitution whether you filmed it or not – but attitudes and 1st Amendment interpretations have changed over time.

Still, the passage of “Measure B” in 2012 was perceived by many as a draconian measure to discourage the entire adult entertainment industry. Ostensibly the law was to encourage health and safety by enforcing strict condom and dental dam use in any new adult film production in Los Angeles. In practice, Measure B seemed more likely to force the porn industry into costly legislation or, worse, drive them (and their tax dollars) into another town entirely.

Production on Breaking Bad XXX began with Measure B looming on the horizon, but porno movies have had long a history of defensive storylines, reacting to actual or potential threats of moral and legal persecution. (Watch Hardcore Circus sometime… or rather, don’t, because that movie is weird as hell.) So one wonders if Breaking Bad XXX was originally intended to be a political movie, or if the storyline about Walter White becoming an adult filmmaker to blackmail a corrupt governor into repealing anti-sex laws simply sprang from the need to turn “Breaking Bad” – a brilliant but unromantic story of drugs, murder and moral decay – into a film to which somebody in their right mind could, conceivably, masturbate.

In any case, although Breaking Bad XXX breaks – often badly – with the concept of the original AMC series, it does follow certain series tropes. The opening of the film, like many openings of “Breaking Bad,” is a vignette seemingly isolated from the actual content of the story, at least as we know it so far. A criminal is locked in a jail cell. After a moment we realize that it’s Ron Jeremy, the most famous male porn star of them all. “You gotta be kiddin’ me… I’m in jail for this?!” he cries before making a joke that at least the jail cell is big, leaving ample room for both Jeremy and his famously hefty wang. Also, the police can’t possibly expect him to be there long: they put him in the same room as the office printer. One suspects that, as usual, Ron Jeremy will be in and out in no time.

Breaking Bad XXX cuts to a scene of Walter White (Alec Knight, star of The Girl with the Horny Tattoo) getting his fateful diagnosis. He can’t focus on the doctor’s words, however, because he’s too busy staring at the nurse’s cleavage. Not that it matters. He has acute erectile dysfunction, and the doctor can’t even prescribe him Viagra. The doctor (Eric Masterson, star of Six Degrees of Penetration) tries to assuage Walter’s concerns by reminding him that we live in a more moral society now, blah-blah-blah… then the doctor has sex with his nurse (Tasha Reign, star of Tasha Reign is Sexy), even though he’s a married man.

Hypocrisy! Hypocrisy everywhere! Like at Walter’s 40th birthday party, where his brother-in-law Hank (James Bartholet, of Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin) insists they pause to watch the Governor (Steven St. Croix, of Generally Horny Hospital) defend his anti-sex laws against allegations that sexual assaults have increased since its passage. Neither we nor the governor are going to go there. Instead let’s focus on the footage of Hank’s latest porn bust, where he arrested Ron Jeremy and confiscated a suitcase full of cash.

Because that’s something you find on every porn production: Ron Jeremy. But the suitcase full of cash? Admittedly, that’s a stretch.

Even so, Skyler White (Kimberly Kane, of Katy Pervy: The XXX Parody) notes that that’s a lot of money, and that she doesn’t support the ban on pornography. If nothing else, the makers of Breaking Bad XXX seemed to have paid attention to everyone’s complaints that Skyler’s character is annoying as hell on the real “Breaking Bad.” They also seemed to have noticed that Kimberly Kane didn’t dye her hair blonde or wear a wig to look more like the original actress, Anna Gunn. Kane has Gunn’s breathy line delivery down pat but apparently couldn’t be bothered with the hair, so Breaking Bad XXX explains it away by saying she got a dye job just before the movie begins.

As with the original “Breaking Bad,” the story kicks into high gear when Walter joins Hank on his latest bust. The porn shoot in question involves a pizza boy (Derrick Pierce, of Getting It Up with the Kardassians) and a French maid (Chanel Preston, of Not MASH XXX). Even they think the situation is contrived, but away they go, and Hank and Walter bust in right afterwards and try to arrest their co-star, Jessie Pinkman (Brandy Aniston, of The Rocki Whore Picture Show), but she knows the governor and she gets off scot-free.

An important note: Scott Free is not the name of any character in Breaking Bad XXX.

Walter White is a film professor, not a chemistry teacher in Breaking Bad XXX, so you might think you know where this is going. After establishing a lack of creativity in porno movies, Walter will team up with the now-female Jessie Pinkman, make the best adult movies on the market, and rake in the cash in order to afford imported Viagra from across the border. Well, that’s not what happens. Instead they team up, film the Governor having sex with Jessie and Lexi Belle (of Iron Man XXX, and not for nothing, playing herself), and blackmail him into repealing the censorship legislation.

Breaking Bad XXX gets points for originality, I suppose, and for giving Walter White’s story a literal and figurative happy ending (he gets black market Viagra from Jessie and has blissful conjugations with Skyler). But the set-up for a more accurate, or at least more parallel satire of “Breaking Bad” was right there… right there… and it’s really distracting that the filmmakers never took the bait. Walter White ends up becoming a legal pornographer right at the end of the movie. Jessie Pinkman is his leading lady. Hurray! Hank even says he’ll go back to busting prostitutes and potheads. Walter wonders aloud if another trip to the Governor is in order after hearing Hank say that.

The typical low-budget silliness is on display in Breaking Bad XXX – plastic wine glasses clink loudly due to overzealous foley, and the door to Jessie’s hotel room has a distractingly official-looking “EXIT” sign on it – but it’s not just another low-rent porn parody. The movie has something on its mind: sex, obviously, but also a proper defense of the industry that made it. Sure the story is a huge exaggeration, and yet if certain conservatives have their way the world of Breaking Bad XXX might not be much different from the utopian-slash-dystopian, universally censored landscape they would like the real world to become.

I’m not saying that Breaking Bad XXX will change anyone’s mind. Anybody who’s totally against pornography probably shouldn’t be watching it to begin with. I’m not even saying it will make you think much, but if you already are thinking, at least it’s not going to stop you. Except maybe briefly, to masturbate.

 

More Breaking Bad coverage on CraveOnline!

 

William Bibbiani is the editor of CraveOnline’s Film Channel and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. Follow him on Twitter at @WilliamBibbiani.

William Bibbiani
William Bibbiani

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