Wolverine seems like he has a pretty sweet life, right? He’s an invincible super-assassin who attacks bad guys with claws. He’s a wanderer that rides his motorcycle throughout North America with no regard for the law. All he cares about is unleashing a barrel of whoop-ass on those people who cross him.
But Wolverine, like everybody, has his problems. He’s seen a bunch of wars, and that much death will mess anybody up.
As we anticipate the release of The Wolverine on Blu-ray and DVD Dec. 3, we take a look at Logan’s burdens, the way he probably struggles with everyday things that you and I take for granted.
For example, Wolverine can’t…
It's Tough to Be The Wolverine
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1. Get an MRI
Do you know what happens when you put metal in an MRI machine? Sparks and explosions. An MRI creates a magnetic field that would probably do some serious damage if Wolverine inserted himself into it. No, not damage to Wolverine. We meant that he’d do irreparable damage to the machine.
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2. Not Pay for Health Insurance
Wolverine needs health insurance like a cat needs an Xbox. But the guy lives in the United States of America and, if you don’t have health insurance, you must pay a tax (as of 2014). So whether Wolverine wants it or not, he has to pay some money for a service that he will never need to use.
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3. Donate Blood
Let’s be clear, Wolverine can physically give blood. It just wouldn’t be very smart. Who knows what his blood would do to the person that received it? Perhaps the blood would start regenerating inside of the recipient’s body until a full-sized Wolverine just burst out of him? You never know.
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4. Go Through Airport Security
Let’s put aside the fact Wolverine is a walking weapon for just a minute. Wolverine’s entire body is coated in metal. The thoroughness of the cavity check that he’d have to receive before TSA would even think about letting him on the plane would be so ridiculous that we shudder to even mention it.
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5. Sleep in a Waterbed
Wolverine has this weird habit of waking up in the middle of the night and ripping into his mattress with his claws. It could be that he doesn’t like mattresses or that he has crippling emotional problems due to the massive number of men that he’s killed. Either way, a waterbed probably wouldn’t survive too long with Wolverine laying on it.
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6. Run for President of the United States
This one is pretty simple - Wolverine was born in Canada. That means he can’t run for the Presidency. This doesn’t really have anything to do with his mutation, but we figured that we’d mention it.
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7. Work at a Factory that Produces Rare Earth Magnets
Do you remember those magnets that you used to play with as a kid? Well, those things are made in factories. And, if Wolverine worked in one of those factories, every magnet that passed by him would stick to him. They’d have to hire some sort of little guy to sit next to him and pick magnets off of his face.
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8. Get Any Sort of Piercing
Getting through the skin isn’t the problem with this one; it’s more about keeping the skin open. If Wolverine’s ear doesn’t heal immediately and spit out the earring, you can bet that it would heal around the earring and the earring would just become part of Wolverine. Gross...
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9. Get Plastic Surgery
As with the piercings, Logan's healing factor makes this one pretty tricky. The likelihood of any surgeon being able to cut Wolverine open and have him stay open long enough to alter the way that he looks is very, very slim. And, even if they could, we doubt that the result would look anything like what Wolverine might have asked for.
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10. End It All
This is one is kind of tragic (in a mythological way). Wolverine should have the ultimate ability to kill himself because of his built-in razor sharp claws. But Wolverine can’t die; he regenerates too damn fast. Ipso facto, even if Wolverine wants to end it all, he just has to smoke a cigarette and keep on truckin.’
