It’s that time of year again, folks. As 2014 approaches, we’re now all looking back on this past year and thinking of all the shit that went down, whether it was good shit, bad shit or just plain ol’ average shit.
As is tradition, The Manly Man Awards 2013 will highlight a smattering of this year’s key events, along with the people who helped define it, before we name our manliest man of the past 365 days.
So without further ado, here are The Manly Man Awards 2013.
The It Was Funny for About a Week Award
Winner: The Harlem Shake
During early 2013, doing the ‘Harlem Shake’ was a fun little exercise in which you and a group of friends could fart around in front of a camera in order to achieve 15 minutes of YouTube fame. More jovial than most other memes, the Harlem Shake was unfortunately ruined after about two weeks or so when it transpired that roughly 80% of the Earth’s population had already done it.
The TV Show We Didn’t Want to End Award
Winner: Breaking Bad
Has a TV show ever been so consistently fantastic as Breaking Bad was? The only way to find out would be to watch every TV show ever, and no one has that kind of time on their hands, but Breaking Bad was still bloody good. Though we all enjoyed its finale, we would have quite happily watched the show every Sunday for the rest of our lives. Damn Walter White and his terminal illness.
The Probably Has a Small Penis Award
Winner: Robin Thicke
Because if you feel the need to tell the whole world about your supposedly impressive girth via balloons in your music video, then it’s probably nothing to write home about.
The Much Ado About Nothing Award
Winner: Miley Cyrus
Photo: Getty Images
The We Don’t Give a Shit About Your Kid Award
Winners: Prince William and Kate Middleton
Prince William and Kate Middleton seem like nice people in a “completely detached from reality” kind of way, but the furor surrounding the birth of the Royal Baby was odd to say the least. Thousands upon thousands of grown adults clamouring over each other to catch a glimpse of the offspring of two rich people they’ll never meet, only to then be disappointed when they discovered that, yep, it looks just like any other baby, was disturbing to watch for those of us who are of sound mind.
Photo: Getty Images
The Very Loud Interview Award
Winner: Kanye West’s Radio 1 Interview
Kanye West has had plenty of years in which he has been extremely vocal in the media, but 2013 was perhaps his loudest year yet. After the release of his critically-acclaimed album Yeezus, it seemed like not a single day would go by without hearing Mr. West launching into a tirade regarding fashion, politics or how Kim had packed him the wrong sandwiches for his lunch. His interview with Radio 1’s Zane Lowe was the best example of this, and condensed what we both love and hate about Kanye in 60 minutes.
The Jeff Buckley Everybody Here Wants You Award
Winner: Jennifer Lawrence
In the year 2013, not one single person dislikes The Hunger Games actress Jennifer Lawrence. Ever since she tripped up those steps to receive her Oscar, she’s widely recognised as being the Most Humble Actress in Hollywood, which some might say is kind of like being the least fat person in Fat Camp, because it must be really difficult to remain level-headed when you’re given millions of dollars for reading lines off of a page. Still, Jennifer Lawrence seems to be doing a pretty good job of it.
Photo: WENN.com
The Taking Advantage of Nelson Mandela’s Death Award
Winner: Mike Sonko
Following Nelson Mandela’s death this year, political figures were clambering over one another to share their stories of the freedom fighter, either to pay their respects or to capitalise on his passing in order to earn brownie points (looking at you, Dave Cameron). But the most shameless example of a politician using Mandela’s popularity for his own personal gain was Kenyan senator Mike Sonko photoshopping a photograph of Mandela and boxing legend Muhammad Ali in order to make it appear as though he was embracing the leader. After posting the photograph to his Facebook page, Sonko was quickly busted and the image exposed as being a fake.
The Most Hostile Video Game Console Announcement Award
Winner: Xbox One
Microsoft’s Xbox One announcement was a good example of how not to reveal a new video game console. Featuring the unveiling of restrictive DRM policies that were unbelievably hostile towards consumers, a confusing focus on its TV integration and a complete lack of video games aside from a lengthy preview of Call of Duty: Ghosts, Microsoft would spend the rest of the year backpedaling on its decisions and trying to win back the fans they had lost with this PR disaster.
And The Manly Man of the Year Award goes to…
Winner: Miles Scott, the San Francisco Batkid
5-year-old Miles Scott, or “Batkid” as he is known on the internet, is Crave Online‘s Manly Man of the Year 2013. Miles’ brave battle against Leukemia at such a young age is inspiring enough, but when the Make-A-Wish foundation organised a day in which Miles would get to become “Batkid” and fight a whole host of Gotham City’s most notorious villains, the world watched as his hometown of San Francisco rallied together in order to help him achieve his dream.
Over 10,000 locals watched and cheered Miles as he rescued a “damsel in distress” tied to cable car tracks, foiled a “robbery” and battled the evil Riddler and Penguin. Miles’ face graced the front page of the San Francisco Chronicle as a result, with the headline reading “Batkid Saves City”, and he even received a video message of support from President Obama. Miles is now in remission, and although he has hung up his cape and cowl, he’s still the hero that San Francisco deserves.
