Ernest Scared Stupid (dir. John R. Cherry III, 1991)
In Ernest Scared Stupid, Ernest (Jim Varney) fulfills just that role; the creepy adult janitor who visits kid playhouses. The central kids are played by Austin Nagler and Shay Astar. They occasionally hang out an at incredibly elaborate club house in the Missouri woods, and have equipped it with bully-repelling weapons like dog food launchers. I suppose that’s why the kids wanted a handyman; your average 9-year-old can’t build a dog food launcher.
Ernest also has free access to the local creepy fortune teller Lady Hackmore (Eartha Kitt), proving that he is sort of a free agent wherever he goes; Ernest is granted a free pass to any building. Well, any building worth under a certain amount.
This movie takes place in Missouri, being the only Ernest film with an actual American location. The small town therein was cursed about 150 years ago by an evil troll that used to live there. The troll Trantor (voiced by Ernie Fosselius), as it is in the midst of being magically imprisoned inside of a tree by one of Ernest P. Worrell’s ancestors, casts a spell on the Worrell family line, cursing them to become dumber and dumber with each passing generation. Fast forward to 1991, and we see how dumb the Worrells have become. The only one who can release Trantor from his curse is Ernest. Which he does – sort of in passing – just to show off to a bunch of kids.
The trolls in this film are actually pretty cool looking. They are giant heads with tiny limbs, and they are achieved through actors in articulated rubber suits. They are slimy and steamy and craggy. They look like bigger budget versions of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
So Trantor goes on a rampage again, turning kids into small wooden statues (?) and using their souls to feed fetal trolls. The troll pods eventually gestate, and there’s an all-troll battle royale. They are weakened by both milk (?) and, of course, love. Milk makes them explode when they get it on their skin. It’s like salt water to the Tenctonese. The films funniest bit: Ernest learns about the milk weaknesses from an old torn book. The “L” in “milk” is missing from the page, however, and Ernest believes he needs to secure some “Miak.” That’s not funny in itself, but it becomes funny when Ernest actually produces a can of miak later in the film. What the heck is miak? We can only postulate.
Something introduced in Scared Stupid that will only persist: Varney is given a bizarre habit of breaking off into a series of oddball impersonations for extended periods. His various characters converse, bicker, banter, and essentially bring the film to a grinding halt. I’ll reiterate: I admire Varney as a performer and I think he’s a funny guy. But this aimless multiple-personality lazzi is just confusing. This is a gag that will return in future movies, and will indeed be the instigating force behind the character.
Ernest Scared Stupid has a horror-movie-type plot, and plenty of cool scary monsters, but the tone is a little too friendly for it to be considered a proper kids’ horror classic. It feels like the disposable comedy that it is, and is meaningless as a movie unless you’re under the age of 10. But at that age, when Halloween is the most important thing in the world, and trick-or-treating is all the proof you need that life is a good thing, films like Ernest Scared Stupid can really leave an impression. I would just rather that kids watch something like Coraline or ParaNorman instead.
Returns are diminishing on these movies. Stupid only made $14 million at the box office, which was less than the previous three movies. The next film will be so unsuccessful, it will prove to be the undoing of Ernest’s theatrical career.
