So you’ve seen the various ‘Neknomination’ (or ‘Neck and Nominate’, as it is also known) videos popping up on Facebook and YouTube, and now you find yourself becoming enticed by the prospect of filming yourself “downing” a pint of nigh-on toxic liquid and uploading the footage for all your friends and acquaintances to see. It is the latest craze, after all – major news networks are branding it a “dangerous trend”, which is the same terminology they used for planking and REMEMBER HOW COOL THAT WAS?
For the uninitiated, Neknomination is the act of drinking various amounts/types of alcohol in the shortest time possible, before nominating a friend to beat your time. The alcohol can also be complemented by other liquids, such as milk, shampoo and cleaning fluid. God knows how it started and how it became a “thing”, but it seems to have now surpassed Farmville as the most popular Facebook game.
Unfortunately, it has recently come to light that people are now dying whilst trying to outdo their friends’ Neknominations, with one young Irish fellow reportedly downing a shot of whisky before jumping into his river and consequently to his death. This is sad news for two reasons:
1. He died
and 2. He died before challenging his friends to beat his Neknomination, thus rendering the whole exploit pointless.
To avoid any more deaths by Neknomination, I’ve compiled a list of things that are more fun to do than Neknominating.
1. Sitting on a toilet, rather than drinking out of it.
Before Neknominations, toilets were mainly used for defecating in. I say we bring that back, and instead of having our friends use our bodies as makeshift plungers to suck out the alcohol swishing around in our toilet bowls, we instead sit on them. Having toilets to sit on is one of western civilization’s many privileges, and we should take advantage of this – next time your friend asks you if you would like your JD & Coke poured into the toilet bowl, reply: “No, I would like it in a glass, please”, and then pick up a newspaper and go and enjoy your tasty alcoholic beverage while dropping the kids off at the pool.
2. Drinking in moderation.
Binge-drinking is empowering – it lets your body know that you are in control of it, and if you want to lead it into a pit of self-loathing, shame and projectile vomiting, then you will do so. However, doing so competitively as is the case with Neknominations is ruining the beauty of binge-drinking, and turning it into a dick-swinging contest dominated by students with silly accents wearing tank tops. This means that the next logical step for us to take is to start drinking in moderation, lest we too find ourselves inexplicably overwhelmed by the urge to don a string vest and drink a sambuca and moisturiser cocktail.
3. Use the liquids for their intended purpose.
What’s more fun than drinking milk poured into a pint glass with hand lotion and whiskey? Putting it in your tea, or coffee, or over your morning cereal, that’s what. You’ll likely get much more enjoyment out of your milk when you use it for its intended purpose rather than for making yourself vomit in a Facebook video. And think of all that alcohol that’s being wasted, too, all so these men in tank tops can indulge in a “bit of banter” and wind up on TrueLad, SportsLad, BigotLad or any of their contemporaries. Put your iPhone down, sip your beer and wake up to a bowl of Crunchy Nut in the morning, complete with milk that you didn’t waste giving yourself alcohol poisoning.
