For every traveler with his shit together in the airport this holiday season, there are about 300 fumbling their oversized luggage, reeling their children in on bungee cords with a paper trail of boarding pass chaos floating about, which is why we think it’s important to teach people how to fly the quickest way possible during thes
e times. Since that’ll never be a reality for the every day-tripper, at least we can help you speedily squeeze through the ocular scans of overzealous TSA folks. Here’s the holiday travel advice you can’t afford to ignore.
Book an Early Flight
It’s obviously a little late for this part, but when you know you’re going to be traveling for the holiday, there’s no point in delaying the purchase of your ticket, unless you enjoy sitting by the bathroom awaking to the gurgling asses of your fellow flyers and paying twice the price as you would have if you’d just bought your fucking ticket a month sooner.
When you book, get the early flight, which not only gets you to your destination sooner so as not to waste an entire day in airports, but has you on your departing flight before the hordes of holidays travelers come stampeding. Sure, it blows to be on the road when the sun is hardly up, but it’s a lot better than standing in line with a bunch of smelly pedestrians. And purchase an aisle seat, so you can slide right in and slide right out. No lap dances necessary on your flights.
Pack Light, Carry-Ons Only
You’re not Vanna White. Hell, you’re not really attractive at all, meaning people are hardly paying attention to what you’re wearing, even though there’s probably a hole in or around the crotch/ass region of your pants. Also, you don’t need four jackets, just one. All you really need is bare necessities when it comes holiday travel – enough to keep you warm, not put on a fashion show. Pack clothes that go with anything, making easy outfits and less luggage.
By packing light in two small bags – if you’re smart, one is a backpack – you avoid checking baggage, which saves you an hour or two, plus the obvious scenario where the airline loses your luggage, so avoid it altogether. One carry-on is for clothes, another for things you need during your travels, like the chargers, electronics and things that amuse your small brain. When you have two small bags, you move quickly and maneuver between crowds. Otherwise, you’re part of that long ugly line of slow-moving, obese zombie travelers with motorized carts and little circus horns.
Mail Presents Separately
If you’re thinking you need a lot of baggage because of presents, you’d be thinking wrong, because small presents of importance can fit in your carry-ons, and the rest can find their way home without riding with you via the very reliable U.S. postal system. Carefully pack any gifts for family and friends in your carry-on and the ones that don’t fit, which don’t belong in airports, should be mailed well in advance so you’re not an empty-handed schmuck on Christmas Day. Same goes for the return flight, just make it easy on yourself, pal. You’re not Santa Claus. Or are you?!
Download Airline Apps
Whoever you’re flying with, unless it’s the Wright brothers, should have their own mobile app. By having it on you, you have your flight information, the status of your flights, the ability to check in, see changes occurring and don’t have to search for the same giant screen everybody in the entire airport is gawking at. You have everything you need in your little Steve Jobs phone, so take advantage of that and stay on the move without missing a beat, or a flight.
Check In and Print Boarding Pass Early
Nothing loosens the bowels up quicker than having trouble finding your record locator number or seeing that long line when you only have 10 minutes to get through security, so stroll into the airport with your little piece of paper
, or hit up the little kiosk with your credit card and sail smoothly into security in under five minutes. The holidays are filled with crowds of people who need others to do everything for them, so take some initiative and avoid anxiety and long lines by showing up with your boarding pass in hand. Likewise, checking in is something you can do the night before now, so do it to reserve your spot on the plane so you won’t have to sit stand-by with the loser crowd that won’t get to see their families because they didn’t check in on time.
Dress Accordingly
Security lines can be quick and painless or they can be semi-racist, overwhelming races to pull your belongings from six tubs when you could have used two. Make for a smooth transition, which means no belt, slip-on shoes, empty pockets, one bag with electronics, and your wallet, phone and boarding pass all in the same spot.
Drop the shoes – not your pants – and put everything in one tub, and then shoes and jacket in the other. When you come out the other side after being frisked like a prison yard, you’ll grab your things in one fell swoop and be on your way while Jackie and the crack squad hold up the entire airport reteaching themselves how to tie their shoes and search for the belt loops that best hold up their holiday fatpants while leaving half their shit behind. The bunny goes around the tree, oh!
Have Everything Out and Ready to Go
When you have everything where it needs to be, including your I.D. and boarding pass, you make for quick trips through any lines, especially when flying internationally for the holiday. The guy who can’t find his shit is the guy holding up the line, getting the stink eye from crazy holiday haters and eventually getting verbally shanked in the bathroom before breakfast.
Know where your shit is; don’t just throw things in a bag. By having good reason for where you put the things you need along your travels, you allow yourself to be organized – a strange word to many travelers – and thus, a speedy traveler.
And if you can borrow your friend’s kid, you can get priority boarding for having a family now. So yeah, it’s totally worth the trouble to have a child now too.
Before you know it, you’ll be sitting quietly at your terminal after being in the airport only 25 minutes, just before your flight gets delayed twice and eventually cancelled. You should’ve just stayed in bed. Happy holidays and safe travels, you poor son of a bitch.
