Over the last few years the biggest concern for Americans has shifted from terrorism and global warming to a little substance called gluten. If you saw “This Is The End,” you probably remember the hilarious scene where Seth Rogen and Jay Burachel discuss what gluten actually is and how it affects your body. I’ll be honest and admit that I had no clue what it was before looking it up online. I decided to ask 20 people to tell me exactly what gluten is without looking it up online. It turns out, not many people have a clue what it is, other than it’s probably bad for you. Here are their answers:
1. “Man, all I hear is people talking about gluten and how bad it is for you. I had never even heard of it until like a year ago when Dr. Oz or somebody started yelling about it.“
I don’t think that was an actual answer but I’ll allow it because of how passionate he was when responding.
2. “Gluten is the substance in cheap meats like hot dogs or Hot Pockets that makes them taste better despite being low quality. That’s how it makes you sick.“
So … any food that has the word “hot” in it is full of gluten?
3. “I think it’s chemically processed wheat, right?“
No, but I think that’s how the ninja turtles were created.
4. “It’s the crunchy bits on top of pasta, potatoes or French fries that give them flavor, but it’s actually really bad for you.“
That’s salt. You just described salt.
5. “Isn’t it like some kind of grain? Like a grain that they put in cereal and whatnot? I don’t know exactly, but I know it’s something to do with grain.“
Look for this guy on Twitter using the hashtag #grain.
6. “It’s the barley, rye and pumpernickel that people used to use in foods before they found a healthier alternative that won’t make you sick.“
Remember how all of our grandparents were always throwing up from eating old-timey pumpernickel?
7. “I’m really not sure, but they used to use it in food. But now they use it to fatten animals before using them for food.“
You probably should have stopped at “I’m really not sure,” because it went downhill after that.
8. “Gluten is the part of the corn husk that will make you sick if you eat it. A lot of companies use it to make foods taste better, but it’s actually really bad for you.“
It has absolutely nothing to do with corn husks whatsoever.
9. “Isn’t it some kind of extract out of corn they use to make things besides food? I know they use it in food, but it can be used for other things as well.“
If those first two little pigs had built their houses out of gluten instead of straw or sticks, they would have held up forever.
10. “It’s a grain that causes you to get sleepy or have diarrhea.“
If that’s the case then anyone that has ever eaten a Hot N Ready from Little Caesars is gluten intolerant.
11. “Oh it’s how Burger King and McDonald’s make their breads last longer. It’s a kind of glaze they put on them made of preservatives.“
I’ll have a large fry and a McGluten to go, please.
12. “It’s fat, but it sticks to your insides so that’s why it’s called gluten. Because it is a glue-like substance that sticks to you and makes you sick.“
So they’re basically like magnets but ones that make you throw up?
13. “Some gluten is bad for you, but your body needs some gluten in order to survive. It turns it into energy.“
I’m pretty sure you’re thinking of photosynthesis.
14. “It’s something that companies invented so they can sell me the exact same product for more money.“
Is it all just a conspiracy? How high does this thing go? Biden? Olivia Pope? The Yellow King?
15. “My aunt can’t eat it because she’s gluten-intolerant.“
This was seriously someone’s answer. Maybe it only affects our aunts. Has anyone done that study yet?
16. “Gluten is the substance that gives cereal its color and causes allergic reactions in kids and some adults.“
So you’re saying that if I sneeze after eating Fruity Pebbles it’s because of the gluten?
17. “It’s what makes dough stretch. You know how those guys will make pizzas and throw them up in the air? That’s from the gluten.“
I was with you on the part about making the dough stretch, but you lost me when it turned into a Domino’s Pizza commercial.
18. “I think it’s a starch that causes people who are allergic to it to get really sick and gain weight.“
I’m fairly certain none of those words are correct. It’s definitely not a starch.
19. “It’s really bad for you.”
Tell me more, you all-knowing shaman.
20. “I cheated and looked up the definition. A substance present in cereal grains, esp. wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. A mixture of two proteins, it causes illness in people with celiac disease.“
So, that clears it up … right?
