If you work in an office, you hate every one of these people. And if you don’t, it means you are one of these people, and that is just a terrible, terrible thing. Here are the worst people in your office.
The guy who responds to an e-mail with a face-to-face check in
Oh shit. He’s coming over here. God damn it. I literally just need him to answer one “Yes” or “No” question so I can put the finishing touches on this month-long project I’ve been doing for him. (A project he’s definitely going to take all the credit for anyway.) Now he’s walking over here for clarification on my e-mail. But not really. Instead, he’ll spend the next 15 minutes leaning over my cubicle telling me all about his weekend sledding trip with those insufferable twin boys of his. And when he walks away, you better believe I still won’t have that “Yes” or “No” answer.
The lunch interrupter
For those of us who hate our jobs with a fiery passion and dread every waking moment of weekdays from 9 AM to 5 PM, the lunch hour (or way more frequently these days, half-hour), is our only solace. The lunch interrupter ruins those precious few moments of zen, eating a delicious burrito while reading The Onion, with one of two horrible conversation topics: 1) something about work or 2) something about himself. Both will make you consider intentionally trying to choke and die on whatever you’re eating as he walks up to your desk.
The loud phone talker
Look at you! You got a phone call! You’re so important! You are aware of how phones work, right? The receiver picks up your voice and transmits it to the person you’re talking to through wires. If you’re in Los Angeles and talking to someone at the New York offices, you don’t have to shout as if they’re really 3,000 miles away. And yet, here you are, making the same “Working hard or hardly working?” jokes you make on every conference call for the entire office to hear. Bonus points to you for never noticing everyone within 8 cubicles of you put on their headphones the second you pick up the receiver to dial.
The guy who bursts into your closed door office
If you’re important enough to have an office, you hate this guy. This is the man who turns your closed office door into an open door policy. He sees you through the door window hunched over your computer with headphones in your ears and takes that as a sign to knock lightly and ask, “Is now a good time?” This man will never know proper closed-door office etiquette because he will never have an office of his own because everyone powerful enough to promote him hates him.
The guy who works remotely
Working from home. Is there any bigger crock of shit in today’s professional world? I love when they take 5 hours to respond to one of my e-mails and when they do they start it off with some bullshit like, “Sorry about the delayed response, I was bogged down with calls and meetings.” No, you were definitely sitting in your underwear, catching up on ‘Peaky Blinders’ on Netflix. Come on, man. Get into the office and try to surreptitiously watch Netflix on your computer without getting caught by your boss like the rest of us.
Anyone above you
Let’s face it, the people above you in the office are all idiots. You are smarter than them and they probably know it. But that doesn’t really matter, does it? Because I bet just this week alone you’ve been assigned to do three huge projects by someone above you. And I bet all three are annoying tasks that were assigned to you for the sole purpose of taking that responsibility off of the person above you. And I also bet that all three of those tasks will wind up going completely unnoticed by the person who assigned them. They might not even open the email attachment when you submit it. But hey, enjoy working late tonight!
The super late at night e-mailer
“Bob, here, just sending this e-mail at 11:13 PM to remind everyone I am an important cog in this company. This e-mail has absolutely nothing of substance in it. But boy oh boy, does it have that time stamp. And that timestamp proves that I am always pouring my heart and soul and mind and body into this job and I should never, ever be laid off. In fact, I probably deserve a raise. Seriously, it’s almost tomorrow and I’m still sending work e-mails. The only thing more annoying than this e-mail will be the one I send tomorrow morning at 6:13 AM with an addendum to this one.”
The tuna salad eater
I don’t really think this one needs much explanation, but let me put it this way: if you are a human and you want to eat something that smells like catfood, maybe you shouldn’t do it within three feet of 10 other humans in an enclosed space with no windows and little ventilation.
The guy who can’t figure out conference calls
“We’re just waiting on Neil.” Every conference call in the history of conference calls starts 5 minutes late because of this dipshit who can’t work a phone. Come on, man. It’s not that hard. Dial the number, then dial the extension and press pound. The only silver lining here: when the late caller finally does join the conference call, it’s with a loud beep announcing his presence, which almost always results in the call leader asking them to identify themselves in shame for the whole group to hear.
Kitchen guy
Jesus Christ. He’s there again? I just want to re-fill my water bottle once in my life without having to get a scene-by-scene summary of last night’s ‘Better Call Saul’ from this strange man who apparently doesn’t ever have any work to do even though he spends more time at the office than anyone else here. How does he always know when I’m going to be in here, is he tracking my movements? Does he just work remotely from the kitchen? Does he even really have a job here? Does he only own one shirt? (I’m guessing the answers to those questions are as follows: yes, yes, no, yes.)
The guy in the bathroom who has no problem setting up shop in the stall right next to yours even though there are three other open stalls and then finishing up and flushing and exiting right as you do
There is no more awkward eye contact in the world than that eye contact in the mirror as you both wash your hands in silence next to each other.
