You love your wife. I mean you better, you vowed to spend the rest of your life with her. Still, there are certainly times when you might not see completely eye-to-eye. Most of those times are probably while you’re trying to plan a major event in your lives together. Let’s rank those times. (I hope you’re still married by the end of list.)
6. Vacation
This itinerary is gonna be so packed with activities that you’ll wish you never got that time off from work in the first place. The only thing not scheduled is any time to relax for a second and actually enjoy your time away from regular life. (In the time I just typed this sentence, your wife just scheduled three more museum tours.)
5. A yard sale
Everything must go! At least, everything you care about. And every memento from earlier in your life, before your wife entered the picture. And of course any sports memorabilia. And your most comfortable pair of sneakers. And jeans. And gym shorts. But none of her nice stuff. Or even her crappy stuff. In fact, let’s keep all of her stuff. We’ll get rid of that at the next garage sale.
4. A move
You two finally found your dream house (or apartment). Now all you have to do is get all of your crap from your current place to your new place. Instead of just concentrating on packing everything up and sorting it out once you’re in the new spot, you have to sort everything in a system more confusing than the Dewey decimal system. Then, once you’ve unloaded all of your crap into the new place, prepare to try out at least nine different arrangements in the living room, each new look involving at least one of your heaviest pieces of furniture moving across the room.
3. A couples dinner out with all of your couple friends
Just pray to the good Lord that you aren’t on the group text. It’s bad enough trying to settle on a plan with your wife relaying all of the pertinent details to four other couples. If you get roped into the text chain, you are going to snap at someone — your friend, your wife, someone else’s wife — and cause at least one divorce before you meet up at Applebee’s next month.
2. Your child’s birthday party
This is way worse than planning a regular party because the stress of figuring out how much food and drink to order is doubled since you need to sort out an adult menu and a children’s menu. Then come the suggestions from your in-laws and your own family’s insanity. If you really want to throw gas on the fire, remind your wife that little Juliette isn’t even old enough to remember any of this and all of the cash going into this birthday bash would be way better spent on her college fund.
1. What you are going to order for dinner tonight
Me: “What do you want tonight?”
Wife: “I don’t care. Anything.”
Me: “So, Mexican sound good?”
Wife: “No, anything but that.”
Me: “Got it. How about pizza?”
Wife: “Too heavy.”
Me: *slowly loads shells into shotgun* “Chinese?”
Wife: “We just had that last week.”
Me: *inserts gun into mouth* “Sushi?”
Wife: “Not filling enough.”
Me: *pulls trigger*
Wife: “Actually, a burrito sounds pretty good. Let’s just do Mexican.”
