Photo: RobertoDavid (Getty)
Blue balls. A condition with such a colloquial term couldn’t possibly be real, could it? To guys who’ve experienced the pulling pain of an almost orgasm, yes, it’s very real. But medical professionals do speculate about its legitimacy, believe it or not. To this I say: those who do not believe blue balls are a medical condition must be female and therefore not have balls. Because as a man, we’ve all been there, and it hurts like hell.
Photo: FXX
When you search the colorful term online, one of the first results that pops up is none other than that of millennial-generated terminology source Urban Dictionary, which describes the ailment as such: “The excruciating pain a man receives when his balls swell to the size of coconuts because of lack of sex, unfinished bjs, and just not cummin when he knows he should.”
While some of what’s described above is indeed true (except the coconut part, because, like, f**k), the definition isn’t very eloquent or as accurate as it could be. But don’t fret, gentlemen, that’s what I’m here for.
So, first thing’s first, let me tell you that blue balls are indeed a cited medical condition (at least according to some) and we can all agree that it really, really sucks.
Medical professionals don’t refer to the ailment as “blue balls,” however, instead opting for something far less fun and more difficult to pronounce. This term being: “epididymal hypertension.” Fun, right?
What Are Blue Balls?
Essentially, blue balls are your genitals’ way of telling you that you’ve let them down. You’ve really, really let them down. I mean, you got them all excited and prepared for a messy climax — your veiny boner is ecstatic that he’s about expel something that isn’t urine — then you suddenly decide: “Actually, no. I don’t want to have an orgasm. I’ve changed my mind.”
Except your genitals haven’t. They still want that orgasm. In turn, they seek revenge on your wavered decision and attack your body with what feels like a dull headache in your balls. A headache that can only be cured if you complete the task you originally set out to do: have an orgasm.
Obviously, I’m being tongue-in-cheek here. I’m trying to make this lecture a tad more fun. But I understand that you probably came here for a more official, scientific explanation. So here’s what actually happens.
When a guy gets turned on, blood begins to flow directly to the penis and scrotum, which causes everything to become engorged (see: rock hard boner and tight balls). As a man continues to stimulate himself through masturbation or intercourse, pressure from said blood flow continues to build until you ejaculate, after which the blood begins to flow out from your penis and scrotum and you become flaccid and tired, and want to take a nap.
But, if a man continues to stimulate himself without any payoff and remains aroused for an extended period, this pressure can become too much for your genitals to handle, which causes the aforementioned epididymal hypertension. Guys need not worry about the pain, though. Experts insist blue balls can not kill a man, nor can they damage your precious jewels.
Where does the “blue balls” part come in? There’s an actual scientific justification for this. Apparently, this buildup of pressure can actually cause a guy’s testicles to darken and turn an almost violet color, hence why we jokingly dismiss this painful condition with such a fun, jovial term.
How Does One Treat Blue Balls?
Suggestions for treatment of blue balls vary widely. Some insist a cold shower does the trick, while others say you’ve gotta sleep it off. But most agree that if you want to get rid of that dull aching feeling ringing in your balls like an angry bell tower, all you have to do is load up some videos of Christy Mack doing something filthy, climax into a tube sock, then discreetly discard said sock in the laundry bin by burying it deep within its sweaty contents.
Again, I’m being colorful here. All you’ve gotta do is ejaculate.
Screenshot:YouTube/ NBC/SNL
Even after orgasm though, a guy might still feel pain — a less intense pain — in his downstairs, but this is totally common, you just kind of let it go away on its own.
So there you have it, guys. Your balls are vengeful pricks. If you get them excited about something and you don’t deliver, they will hurt and hold you hostage until you do. So give your balls what they want. Ejaculate, would ya?
