Photo: Elyse Butler (Getty Images)
It’s that time of year when weddings start populating your social calendar like poison ivy on pale skin. Cue never-ending ceremonies, cocktail hours with insufficient booze, rubbery chicken dinners, close-talking relatives, and bad dancing. (So much bad dancing.) But show up and smile you must, because good friends are hard to find, and they’ll be even more elusive after they all get domesticated. So raise a glass, say something clever, and remember that this, too, shall pass. Here is your Mandatory guide to surviving wedding season, in GIFs.
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Surviving Wedding Season
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Be grateful you were even invited.
It might not seem like it now, but someday, after all your friends have partnered off, no one will have time to see you, much less celebrate anything, unless it's for a baby shower. (And those are infinitely worse than weddings.) Enjoy this while you can, because it won't be long (OK, a few decades, but still) until all your get-togethers will revolve around someone's death.
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Don't freak out.
Weddings are just another social event...albeit the kind that lasts an entire day (or a long weekend if you're unlucky enough to attend a destination wedding). You will survive this. There will be alcohol. (And maybe even drugs!) Breathe. Drink. Inhale.
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Get a trusty suit.
Find a passable three-piece and wear it to every wedding. If you want to change it up, swap out shirt colors or try bow ties instead of neck ties. No one's paying attention to your wardrobe anyway.
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Buddy up on travel expenses.
Hotel rooms are cheaper by the twosome, so identify a buddy who gets invited to all the same weddings you do and split the costs down the middle.
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Bring a gift.
It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive or even from the couple's registry. Just bring something. (And put your name on it so they know you weren't a cheapskate.)
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Find an ally.
You need a friend who can put up with your shitty attitude (and will shut it down if needed) during this trying time. Choose wisely.
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Meet new people.
Challenge yourself to speak to at least five strangers and actually listen to what they have to say (because most people's filters are gone at weddings). You might make a new connection that'll surprise you.
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Bond with the olds.
There are two kinds of elderly people: those who want to complain about everything and those who IDGAF so hard and with such humor. Find the latter and make them your new squad.
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Organize a flash mob.
You know you want to.
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Eat everything in sight.
The newlyweds spent a big chunk of change on that buffet. Give them their money's worth by devouring every hors d'oeuvre and petit four you can get your greedy little hands on.
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Make a memorable toast.
Everyone should have the experience of making a big toast at least once. There's no wrong way to do this. If you keep it appropriate, you'll win brownie points with the couple; if you bomb it, the bored guests will thank you for the free entertainment for the rest of the night.
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Focus on your next fling.
Chances are, there's a single person you wouldn't mind getting to know (intimately) in that garishly decorated ballroom. Find them and pursue with aplomb. If you embarrass yourself, you'll never have to see them again.
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Keep drinking.
Just do it. This is the one occasion where you are not only allowed, you're expected, to get ridiculously drunk.
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Remember that it's not about you.
The newlyweds are the celebrities of the wedding. You can piss and moan all you want about how inconvenient it is to be a guest, but this was never about your enjoyment. Suck it up and soldier on.
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Think about why you're there.
Getting married is a courageous act. Two people love each other so much they literally want to be together until they die. Can you even imagine feeling that strongly about anyone? (Of course you can't. That's why you're single.) Weddings are just the show society forces us to put on, but in the end, it's all about the love, and everyone who supports love simultaneously says "fuck off" to hate, division, and all the other petty stuff that consumes our lives. Rejoice and be glad!
