Once upon a time, health experts told us we needed 10,000 steps a day if we didn’t want to die very young and very suddenly in our sleep. Now, mostly thanks to quarantine lowering the bar on, well, everything, scientists have brought that number down to 4,400. Fist pump.
While that may seem like a win for the lazy guy in us all, it still adds up to a whole lot of steps. And with nowhere to go for the foreseeable future, 4,400 steps sounds like an impossible task. Not to mention, it’s hard to recall the point of staying fit when no one can see how chiseled our abs are from a (social) distance.
Although pandemic life can take a toll on your mental health, just remember things won’t always be this soul-crushing. For those better days ahead, full of sweaty dancing people and making out with strangers, it’s important to keep that bod bodacious. Luckily, we’ve developed Body by Mandatory (patent pending), the perfect home exercise regime for zenith peak optimum fitness. Here’s how to transform your claustrophobia-inducing home into a full-blown gym, so you can get enough steps to make it through your quarantine hell.
Cover Photo: MarianVejcik (Getty Images)
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Inventive Quarantine Exercises
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1. Download A Cutting Edge Fitness App
Preferably one that holds family members hostage if you don't meet your daily quota. We recommend HostageFit by Hans Gruber.
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2. Wear Shock Collar That Activates When You Stop Moving
With certain death as your motivator, get ready to burn some serious calories (and skin).
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3. Move Your Fridge To A Storage Unit
The perfect way to achieve life-giving steps every time you decide to make yourself a meal is all about positioning.
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4. Replace Walls With Flamethrowers (Or Carpets With Hot Coals)
Whichever method you prefer, prepare yourself to move low and fast from here on out.
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5. Buy A Jumprope
Then, actually use it. Repeat the mantra, "This time gonna be different."
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6. Run Suicide Sprints With Rabid Neighborhood Dog
Pro tip: Strap a sixpack of raw steaks around your waist for extra slimming. You are now entering Slimtown.
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7. Clear A Space For Instant Mini-Track
See how many laps you can do in two minutes, then better your record.
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8. Place TV On Remote Controlled Dolly, Resume Endless Streaming Marathon
Healthy bingeing is so 2021. Sign up for your free trial today at BodybyMandatory.net.
