Amidst all the pandemonium of their iPhone 6 announcement, Apple finally brought to fruition the reality of their anticipated wearable tech line, the Apple Watch. While that might excite everyone who still wears a watch (my mother), it also entices the resurgence of a watch-wearing generation. Only, time is not of the essence with these smartwatches. Instead, it’s about everything else under the sun, and while you might be fascinated-even amazed-by what this little trinket can do, it’s the pure embodiment of a 38-millimeter waste of time as it pulls us deeper down the rabbit hole as a tech-dependent race that can’t find a gas station without looking at our phones first.
But before we go bashing on this incredibly superfluous technology, let’s see what you get with the Apple Watch. Then … we’ll bash.
The Hardware
Apple truly went above and beyond with this handy (oh, puns) contraption. Its finely crafted body comes in both a smaller (38mm) and larger (42mm) face in three different body styles, all with snap-on interchangeable bands.
The aluminum body (Sport) is cleverly hatched active wear that is both comfortable and convenient, making the workout easier and more productive, including wristbands that are sweat-proof, flexible and colorful. The more casual approach to Apple Watch is the stainless steel body (Watch), fitting more practically as casual wear for daily use where users can interact without the immediate need for their iPhone or tablet, handing out dozens of conveniences-we will discuss momentarily-in a very small, touch-sensitive package with magnetic and snap clasp bands.
And finally, the extravagant push by Apple is the 18-karat gold body (Edition), cut to perfection with nearly as much durability as a diamond and classy leather bands to match. All this said, Apple covered every market for the user’s size, practicality and style. If the limitless combinations don’t impress, the contents therein will burrow deep in your brain before exploding all over the carpet of your freshly vacuumed floor.
The Software
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t highly tempted by the idea of owning an Apple Watch by the end of my research. The modern timepiece allows you to do a hell of a lot more than just get the time. It allows people at any place or time to view messages, take calls, manage emails and receive important notifications. Not only that, but you can even engage with quick, automated responses and dictation or respond to call before transferring over to your iPhone or Bluetooth headset. A touch-sensitive feature gently taps your wrist to get your attention when someone’s trying to reach you. Clever, no?
In addition, the apps for weather updates, calendar reminders, alarm and music that you enjoy on your iPhone are now attached to you quite physically. A fitness feature for heart rate and distances traveled allows health junkies to track their workout by calories burned or by timer, all of which can be linked to the new Health app in the recently released iOS 8. Apple Pay and Passbook are also going to be available for quick, smooth convenience on the go from your wrist to the scanner. Paying way too much at Whole Foods has never been faster. And remote control apps for Apple TV, Maps and the Insight camera on your iPhone allow you to control other devices from a short distance.
And finally, there’s one more invited-no, we didn’t forget her-to the party: Siri. The know-it-all you’ve developed a love/hate relationship with is also going to follow you wherever you go when you don’t have your phone on hand now too. All that’s missing now is a direct link to our lord and savior.
The Price Point
I’ve shown you this baby bee’s stripes, and now comes the stinger: the price tag. Starting in the spring, you can take home an Apple Watch at the price point of $349. And that’s the low end, which is all we know right now. That price refers to the 38mm body, geared towards women and people who prefer smaller sizes. The 42mm body will likely add to the bottom line, possibly $449. Moving up to the casual style, estimated to start at $449, will increase the subtotal further, along with the essential armband upgrade to match that body upgrade, from simple sports band to magnetic link bracelet and leather cuff, estimated to run from $49 to $249 alone.
It’s the previous metal body of the 18-karat edition that will drain your bank account quicker than the spouse of a cheating all-star athlete. Analysts are predicting an estimated $5K, possibly more (like $10K) for the high-end edition body with the matching bands, including sports and modern buckle bands, ranging from $249 to $449. Talk about a wallet muncher! When people saw the $349 price line, they saw the smartwatch as affordable, but the further you move along you purchase, it becomes a lot like planning a wedding, the epitome of budget landslides.
The Problem With All of This
Essentially, it’s a clever idea giving people the opportunity to be connected at all moments of the day, allowing them to be “artists” and customize their own wearable style therein, but in addition to starting a grown-up competition for who has the trendiest modern slap bracelet-yeah, those are coming back too-this tech corporation who has helped create a monster in making people phone-hungry zombies has tip-toed its way over the line of human tech dependency.
When we take walks, go on hikes, build a birdhouse in our garage or simply get naked with the rich spouse of a recently divorced all-star athlete, that is our escape from the constantly draining pulse of the tech world. We leave the bright, hypnotizing screens of our phones, tablets and computers at home and return to our true human nature where we appreciate the things around us. The introduction of the Apple Watch takes that escape, that freedom, away and some people won’t notice it until they’ve already spent $600 on a watch they don’t need (they already have a watch the drawer they don’t use).
Sure, it’s nice to have nice things, but at this rate, we’ll all be slaves to our devices, keeping them updated and synced and staring at them while we slowly go blind. It’s not cynical, but rather reality, that even as we half-fearfully joke about the overtaking of robots, we’re too stupid to realize it’s already happening, and we’re even paying big bucks for it too. If you want to get an Apple Watch, be our guest, but when you’re making love to your wife and can’t tell the difference between her climaxing and your watch giving you a notification, don’t say we didn’t warn you. Maybe next time you want to know the time, just look up at the sun and you’ll have a good idea.
