ZogSports Leagues are basically intramurals for adults, catering to “young professionals in large urban markets.” In other words – 20 and 30-somethings who have jobs in cities and want some fresh air and healthy competition followed by socializing. Most people who sign up for coed football, dodgeball, basketball and the like are pretty cool. Most people. Leagues are also riddled with egomaniacs, goofballs, whiners and all sorts of other irritating characters, 20 of which you’ll find described below.
1. Johnny Football Hero
No not Johnny Manziel, he’s cool and he’s a Heisman winner. JFH is the former college athlete trying to re-live his glory days in a coed social drinking league. He’s overaggressive but not by rule a douchebag (more on this guy below). Look for the guy in the sleeveless compression shirt and a headband with shorts telling you which Division III school he played for.
2. Overaggressive Douchebag
He comes in many shapes and sizes but nevertheless is the most disliked player by teammates and opponents alike. It’s possible this guy is a hybrid with any of the others on this list. He displays douchebag-like qualities (berates other players for supposedly screwing up), and would probably feel better about himself if he knocked out one of the opposing players. At a bar after the game, he laughs about his conquests and continues to act like an arrogant asshole.
3. The Cry Baby
Here’s the guy who’s fouled every play. “What?!” Are you kidding me, ref??” Think Chris Bosh, Paul Pierce and Manu Ginobili. This guy is annoying. He deserves tissues and a pacifier, not free throws and a free league t-shirt.
4. The Girl Who’s Only There to Meet Guys
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. She wears make-up and chic athletic apparel to every game, clearly setting herself apart from the ladies who simply show up to play. She probably joined with another friend who’s likewise looking to get married. She’s probably not too friendly to other females, i.e., competition, unless the other girls have boyfriends or husbands in which case they’re not a threat, so no need to be hostile.
5. The Pal
The Pal is the chill guy who doesn’t take any of it too seriously while simultaneously laughing at the guys who do. He may even be one of the better athletes out there but spends most of his time having to mediate macho-fests.
6. The Gal
She’s the Pal’s female counterpart. Smart play by the Pal is to slide in when guys start arguing and set himself up for a conversation at the bar. Show up, be cool, acquire sex.
7. The Overzealous Doucher
Cousin of the former athlete and overaggressive douchebag, this kid looks like he’s going to be good (if he’s got the right build) but screws up every play he’s involved in. Like his cousin, he’s wearing matching socks and sweatband to pair with his shirt. He warms up way too hard and carries along a portable iHome blasting Z100’s Top 10.
8. The Self-Aware Non-Athlete
This guy is cool. He knows he sucks at [insert sport] but he respects his limitations and doesn’t ask to play quarterback or bat cleanup. Once in a while he’ll shock you with a surprisingly athletic move that rouses the team and becomes the talk of happy hour.
9. The Non-Athlete All-Star
The evil cousin of the Self-Aware Non-Athlete, he’s an All-Star in his own mind and in his mind only. After a 0-12 shooting performance, he continues to throw up bricks — he’s bad J.R. Smith without all the tattoos and hot streaks. “I’m open!” He’s always open and almost always misses. He’s more of a tool than a douche off the court and may just be a regular guy who plays hero ball to balance his ego.
10. The Actual All-Star
The star dominates on the field, at the bar, and just generally in life. He’s the reason some girls come out to play but alas, he’s probably taken.
11. Wannabe Former Athlete
He wasn’t quite athletic enough to play varsity in high school and yet thinks s/he should/could have been a star. You may find them stumbling about, out of position, and otherwise thinking very highly of their abilities, envying Johnny Football Hero. He’s more self-aware and less abrasive than the Non-Athlete All-Star.
12. The Guy Who’s Only There to Meet Girls
Nothing wrong with this either. The league is effectively a social club. Drama will ensue when two of these guys play for the same team and gun for the same single girl.
13. The Stranger
He signs up for the league, maybe as a friend of a friend, and shows up once or never. Who the fuck is this guy?
14. The Ringer
He never signed up but shows up every game and plays anyways. No one says anything because he’s either (a) really good, (b) cool or (c) both.
16. The Girl Who Wants to Show the Guys She’s Just as Good
She works way too hard at a league centered around alcohol. She’s probably even talented or experienced, evidenced by legit gear she wears such as cleats. She scares the shit out of the ladies who are there just for fun, most of which have no desire to break their noses for a game that’s supposed to end at a bar, not the hospital.
17. The Girl Who Plays the Girl Card
Sometimes during the course of fair play there’s some physical play, maybe ending with someone falling down. Most opponents have the knee jerk reaction to apologize. Some ladies just flip out, apology or not.
18. The Wimp
Brother of The Girl Who Plays the Girl Card, cousin of the Cry Baby, this guy bemoans any perceived aggression. Someone call the waaaahmbulance.
19. The Klutz
There’s one on every team. No matter what, he or she ends up on the ground with a scrape or bruise. Did you see the Turfmonster? No? Oh well.
20. The Party Guys
Here’s the team that’s in it for the alcohol. Some of them care if they win or lose. Mostly they care when happy hour ends. They will definitely dominate you in the drinking games at the bar afterwards and may have even been drunk when they showed up to the game.
