Well, week 2 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
New York Jets
I don’t know if I’ve ever seen such a boring game in my life. It was the football equivalent to “The Bridges of Madison County.” I don’t have the exact numbers in front of me, but I believe there were 63,418 dropped passes in this game. Geno “Why Am I Here” Smith attempted to give the Jets a chance against the Patriots, but Rex Ryan who, this week, looked like one of the underground creatures from “Tremors” ran out of luck. Does any team have an easier division than the Patriots? Half of their schedule is playing the Bills, Jets, and Dolphins TWICE. Good job winning your division every year, New England. That’s like bragging about the awesome dunk you did on a six foot plastic goal.
St. Louis Rams
Steven Jackson finally got out of the football prison that is St. Louis and landed in Atlanta. He showed back up today and, before being injured, ran all over the Rams defense. How embarrassing is that for the Rams? It’s like running into an ex-girlfriend and she’s successful, married, and hanging out with people like Matthew Fox. Meanwhile you’re wearing zubaz pants, sweating way too much, and eating an orange that a squirrel dropped out of a tree because his hands were too small to hold it. Sorry St. Louis, I’m glad we broke up.
Carolina Panthers
If you’re like me you obviously had this date circled on your calendar because you knew the Panthers would be taking on the Bills. The first half of this game had as much scoring as an Amish prom, but the game ended on an impressive drive by E.J. Manuel who found Stevie Johnson wide open in the end zone. Apparently Carolina’s defense was in the “Do we really HAVE to cover everyone” formation. After the game winning reception, the rookie quarterback found his dad in the crowd, hugged him, and began crying all over the field. It was a touching moment except for one little thing; YOU JUST BEAT CAROLINA. You didn’t win the Super Bowl, or your division, or even a playoff game. You beat Carolina. Act like you’ve been there before E.J. Manuel. I hope they celebrate every garbage victory like this and throw a parade in Buffalo on Monday.
Minnesota Vikings
This was one of the sloppiest games I’ve ever had to watch in my life. I’m pretty sure Jay Cutler threw a few passes through his legs like your annoying cousin does at the bowling alley then laughs hysterically like no one has ever done that before. Good job Theresa, you bowled a 19. No wonder your dad left. At one point the signal from Soldier Field just went out completely. I like to think that was God’s way of saying he was also tired of watching this garbage. Somehow Minnesota failed to rally back, despite leaning on the arm of Christian Ponder whose name sounds like some sort of Joel Osteen monthly publication. Seriously, just give the ball to Adrian Peterson.
Washington Redskins
Aaron Rodgers put up an astounding 480 yards against the Redskins defense which means you could have not had any defenders out there for most of the game and the results would have been the same. The Redskins had their excitement as a playoff team last year. They’re like the cicadas of successful football. See you guys with a winning record in 2020!
Indianapolis Colts
This was a tough loss for Andrew Luck, as he drops to 1-1 at the power of the Dolphins defense? I’ll admit I’m surprised the Dolphins are off to a 2-0 start, but before you start to think that this will be the year Ray Finkle is avenged, keep in mind that it’s only two games. Ryan Tannehill played well, but there’s so little talent around him, it’s going to be a difficult road. The Colts should be ashamed of themselves for losing this one. It’s like you’re a giant casino that just got ripped off by Ocean’s 11, but instead of Clooney, Pitt, and Damon, it was Andy Dick, Cody from “Step by Step”, and Geraldo.
Dallas Cowboys
There are few things in football that I love more than the Dallas Cowboys losing. It’s not so much the team, although Jerry Jones is definitely a descendant of Damien from “The Omen.” I love seeing Dallas lose because, for some reason, the media wants so desperately to convince us that the Cowboys are an important, relevant team that we should all care about. Spoiler alert: I don’t care. Kansas City moves to 2-0 on the arm of Alex “Tiny Hands” Smith who was sent packing by the 49ers who discovered that he’s not very good. His baby hands are proving them wrong and giving Kansas sports fans something to yell besides “Rock Chalk” which may be the dumbest phrase in the English language. I googled “Rock Chalk” and here’s the definition:
Not even Wikipedia cares enough about that stupid chant to explain it.
Philadelphia Eagles
There’s no way one of Michael Vick’s limbs don’t fall off in Chip Kelly’s system. They run 600 plays per game and all of them require him to move around like that creepy old guy in those awful Six Flags commercials. I don’t really see any kids saying “Hey mom and dad, can you take me to the amusement park where that old man has seizures?”
Vick did put up over 400 yards, but he had to leave the game with an injury bringing in Nick Foles who took up football after a semi-successful movie career where he starred in such films as Napoleon Dynamite and Blades of Glory. I’m fairly certain that was him.
Cleveland Browns
It’s not really as much about Cleveland losing, because we all knew it was going to happen, but more about how terrible Baltimore looked against the Browns. At halftime the Browns were up 6-0. Don’t be fooled by the Ravens win, they are a garbage team that won’t make any impact whatsoever this season. Cleveland had their share of problems, which included Brandon Weeden getting hurt and knocked out of the game. How terrible is your quarterback depth chart when Brandon Weeden is at the top of it? Jason Campbell is next on the list. No, this isn’t another Jason Campbell, it’s THAT Jason Campbell. Greg Little didn’t even have a chance to drop passes, as Campbell threw them so far over his head Manute Bol couldn’t have caught them if he had a rocket strapped to his freakish spine.
Tennessee Titans
I’m not sure how Tennessee blew this game, to be honest. Houston missed approximately 176 field goals including a dozen at the end of regulation. You can’t be excited about football in Tennessee, right? I don’t think you can be thrilled about any sports in the state since Pat Summitt retired her pantsuit. You can’t expect Chris Johnson to do it all and he’s not getting any help with Jake Locker leading the offense. Has anyone ever bought a Jake Locker jersey that wasn’t related to him and therefore obligated? Here’s my impression of anyone asking a Foot Locker employee for a Jake Locker jersey: “Haha, why?” Then they ask you to leave and never come back.
Detroit Lions
Despite having Calvin Johnson who can catch pretty much anything you throw in the air, the Lions lost to the ARIZONA CARDINALS. The Cardinals didn’t even pick the Cardinals to win this game. It’s truly shocking how bad the Lions can be with the amount of talent on their roster including Matthew Stafford who looks like the kid in middle school that’s gigantic and strong but gets picked on constantly because he’s not smart enough to know how to use his arms. The Lions were down four and driving with less than two minutes left. Fourth down came up and it’s obvious who you throw to in this situation, right? Nate Burleson! I mean what better wide receiver do you have in a clutch situation than Nate Burleson? Remember when Nate Burleson broke Jerry Rice’s record for receiving yards in one season? Wow, Nate Burleson is such a dominant player. I can’t believe Nate Burleson didn’t get the yardage for a first down. Oh well, at least you went to the best wide receiver on your team, Nate Burleson.
Jacksonville Jaguars
The real losers were anyone who had to watch Jacksonville and Oakland sludge through what appeared to be a football game. People actually paid money to watch this. What promotion is offered to get people into seats for this? Buy one ticket, get the amount of money back that you paid for said ticket. I’m pretty sure the Oakland A’s took over for the Raiders at one point and no one noticed. Please get Maurice Jones Drew out of Jacksonville. I don’t know what horrible sin he committed, but nothing is worth this punishment.
New York Giants
The real winner here is Archie Manning who spewed two Super Bowl champion quarterbacks out of his loins. Seriously, did he train them by beating them with a stick when they messed up, because I think he hit Eli a little too hard. It was a one point game at halftime, but Peyton took over in the second half of what will be the final Manning Bowl. Can you imagine being the Colts and watching Peyton dominate every week while they struggle with the second best mouth breathing quarterback in the league? That’s right Eli, you still hold that title. You’re the best at breathing out of your mouth, Eli.
San Francisco 49ers
If the 49ers are the best team in the NFC then go ahead and send the Seahawks to the Super Bowl because they dominated this week. Colin “Didn’t I See You On An Episode of Scared Straight” Kaepernick just got overpowered by Seattle’s defense . They’re just completely swarming. If you haven’t watched Seattle on the other side of the ball yet, just go find your VHS copy of “My Girl” and watch the scene where the bees murder Thomas Jay. Now imagine Thomas Jay is wearing a low numbered jersey and the bees don’t die after stinging him. That sums up their games.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Oh what a joyous day when the Steelers start out 0-2. Ben Roethlisberger was being grabbed violently and forced to the ground against his will numerous times. Usually he’s on the opposite side of that equation, but I’m not a judge, so he’s innocent until proven guilty. Cincinnati looked solid, but the Steelers just looked bad. After the game we also got word that Hines Ward emerged from his hole, saw his shadow, so the Steelers can expect six more weeks of losing.
