Well, week 5 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
Buffalo Bills
The Bills fell to the mighty hand of the Cleveland Browns, which makes as much sense as saying “Academy Award winner, Dolph Lundgren.” The Browns had two returns for touchdowns, which is never a good sign for your team. Worst of all, the Bills saw EJ Manuel go down with an injury. I kept waiting for his dad to run onto the field and scoop him up while weeping since that’s what happened when Manuel won his first game a few weeks ago. Let’s hope the Bills turn it around so Buffalo fans have something to live for, because once winter hits, that place is hell on earth.
New England Patriots
I was in attendance for this game and I witnessed one of the most incredible things I’ve ever seen in my life. The forecast called for severe weather all day with heavy rains guaranteed. Instead, it was overcast with almost perfect weather all day. That is, until the end of the game. After Cincinnati had taken the lead and Tom Brady got the ball back, it starting raining like it was a Florida afternoon. Water was pouring from the sky like a TLC music video. Then, as soon as Brady threw his interception, sealing the game, it stopped. This is proof that even God hates the New England Patriots.
Chicago Bears
Jay Cutler spent more time on the ground than Ben Roethlisberger’s prom date. Normally I don’t care if the Bears lose, but I swear I want to throw my TV through the window of a homeless shelter every time I have to see that Berenstain Bears-looking idiot Rob Ryan yelling and fist pumping on the New Orleans’ sidelines. He looks like Willie Nelson’s body floated ashore on a New Jersey beach after weeks at sea, filling with small crabs and aquatic life forms. That being said, Chicago may be one of the most confusing teams in the league. They’ll either miss the playoffs completely or make a huge run.
Detroit Lions
Calvin Johnson wasn’t in the game so there goes literally all of Detroit’s offense. If you think that’s an overstatement, name every Lions player who scored a touchdown today. What was that? No one whatsoever? It wasn’t all Matt Stafford’s fault, as his receivers were quite terrible. Imagine watching Tom Cruise’s movie “Cocktail,” but when he’s making drinks he’s blindfolded, has one arm, and is also dead. That’s basically how they looked against the Packers.
Tennessee Titans
The Titans gave the Chiefs a serious scare today, but let’s be honest, the Chiefs are painfully overrated. They have one of the easiest schedules imaginable, with wins over the Jags, Cowboys, Eagles, Giants, and Titans, with the Raiders coming up next. Circle your calendar for their November 11th and December 1st games against Denver. If they win those, then we’ll talk. The strangest moment for the Titans was in a goalline situation where, instead of giving the ball to Chris Johnson, they kept Jackie Battle on the field. I was 90% sure Jackie Battle was the mom on “Sister, Sister” but it turns out that’s Jackée Harry. In my defense, she did get as many redzone touches as Chris Johnson.
Seattle Seahawks
It has to be frustrating seeing your special teams give up so many points, but it’s even more frustrating when you’re Russell Wilson and the most popular picture of your wife on the internet is this:
Jacksonville Jaguars
Is it even fun to beat the Jaguars anymore? Blaine Gabbert threw his FIRST touchdown of the year. This is week 5! Someone please explain to me how he still has a starting job in the NFL. You know your team is bad when bringing in Chad Henne gives your offense a boost. The good news is that Justin Blackmon is back. The bad news is that there’s still no one to throw him the ball. They’re the yellow Starbursts of football.
Miami Dolphins
Hey Dolphins, maybe fire your offensive line coordinator? Somehow they’re allowing 1.4 sacks per play, which, if my math is correct, isn’t possible. They honestly should have won this game, but when your quarterback has the protection equivalent of a wool condom, there’s not much you can do. If Miami’s offensive line were all traded to Jacksonville, Blaine Gabbert would be dead in an hour.
New York Giants
The Giants are so bad. David Wilson actually scored a touchdown and did two backflips because he knew it wasn’t going to happen again so he had to make it memorable. At one point the Giants actually took the lead, but it lasted as long as Eli Manning’s literacy test. Not long. If you’re wondering how his literacy text went, here’s how I imagine it:
Teacher: Eli, read the first sentence.
Eli: Purple.
Teacher: Uh, can you see the sentence?
Eli: Purple.
Teacher: I’m gonna go ahead and leave now.
Eli: Grape?
Carolina Panthers
The football world was buzzing over the implications of the matchup between the Arizona Cardinals and the Carolina Panters. Hahaha just kidding. No one cares about this game. I honestly forget that the Panthers are even in the NFL. The only reason I remember the Cardinals is to weep over the wasted talent that is Larry Fitzgerald. Yes I know that the Cardinals are now 3-2, but if you’re suggesting in any way that they’ll be in the post-season, you’re more delusional than someone buying a Tim Tebow jersey. The Panthers slip more and more into oblivion after this loss and leave all six of their fans highly disappointed.
Dallas Cowboys
Was there any defense in this game whatsoever? Romo had a monstrous performance putting up over 500 yards and breaking the franchise record. Unfortunately, when the game is on the line, Romo overthinks his moves more than I did the night of my junior prom. I should have at least tried to touch a boob. What an idiot. Romo threw an interception that sealed the deal for Dallas, but his error is nothing compared to the Cowboy’s crypt keeper owner. Jerry Jones, who is basically Al Pacino’s character in “The Devil’s Advocate,” was captured in the most embarrassing way possible: using a flip phone. A twitter user grabbed this shot of Jones using the same phone that Zack Morris called his dad with on “Saved by the Bell.” Go buy an iPhone you creepy goblin.
Houston Texans
OK seriously, what happened to Matt Schaub? He wasn’t always this terrible, right? Texans fans were burning his jerseys last week, but in Schaub’s defense it was probably a bunch of rednecks using them to ignite the gasoline on a giant, wooden cross. It’ll be interesting to see how many fans jump off the Texans’ bandwagon once basketball starts and they have something else to distract them from the fact that they live in Texas.
San Diego Chargers
Can we honestly say the Raiders aren’t that bad of a team this year? Sure their fans still dress like the WWF’s Legion of Doom got trapped in a Golden Corral buffet for a few years, but the team doesn’t look terrible. San Diego, on the other hand, looks horrendous. Philip Rivers is the worst thing that city has produced since the Anchorman sequel. Complain about that comparison all you want, but there is a 100% chance that movie is awful. I would say Al Davis is looking down on this team and smiling, but I’m not ready to declare the Raiders a success yet. I’m also not convinced that Al Davis is celebrating the afterlife either, if you know what I mean.
Atlanta Falcons
No way anyone picked the Jets to beat the Falcons this week. Geno “It’s Gotta Be Better Than Sanchez, Right?” Smith marched down the field to give Nick Folk an opportunity for a game winning kick, which he nailed. The Falcons fall to 1-4 which, means the combined record for NFC South teams besides New Orleans is 2-11. Nice going guys. New Orleans hasn’t been given this much charity since FEMA. If you don’t think the Falcons are in trouble, they’re only one game ahead of the Buccaneers and a game back of the Panthers. They’re quickly becoming that hot girl who is engaged to a fat loser because they started dating in high school and she still pictures him in his letterman’s jacket without the beer belly and creepy goatee. You can do better, girl. So can you, Matt Ryan.
