This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.

On average, I would say my dog is staring directly at me 23 hours and 54 minutes a day.

— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) August 26, 2016

when u do not view yr fears as a trap which restrains u but as a vehicle which u must use to navigate the world pic.twitter.com/x2YgNvYOfM

— dalton (dī(ə)l tōn) (@lilghosthands) February 16, 2016

dudes make fun of girls for liking pumpkin spice, uggs and the kardashians as if craft beer, cargo shorts and fantasy football are real cool

— ktkins (@voldemortsbicep) August 25, 2016

Mary Todd Lincoln: what are you wearing for your gettysburg whatchamacallit

Abe Lincoln: *address

MTL: do u want to borrow one of mine

— FRO VO (@fro_vo) August 27, 2016

friend: how are things?

me: things are good!

narrator: things were not good

— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016

Kids your mother and I are getting a puppy. Whoops I mean divorce. There was a puppy on the TV so I accidentally said puppy sorry about that

— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) October 10, 2015

you’re welcome pic.twitter.com/bZlhHV5VUz

— rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 25, 2016

kindergarten️senior year pic.twitter.com/0Fas5FGuaq

— tyra (@TyraaHuntt) August 23, 2016

If I’m ever choking in a restaurant please don’t draw everyone’s attention to me, just let me die in peace

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 28, 2016

Follow your roommate on Twitter pic.twitter.com/oFzx4JuwMU

— #VinceStaplesHive (@NathanZed) August 22, 2016

Good to see Rolling Stone still has the reporter who yells, “WHAT A SCOOP!” on their payroll. pic.twitter.com/4PI2Gjw7PJ

— Scott Bromley (@Scott_Bromley) August 28, 2016

Sometimes I wonder why I wasn’t popular in school but then I remembered this was how I settled arguments. pic.twitter.com/8LMtU4Ulx1

— Tovah Silbermann (@Milbermann) August 27, 2016

it took 37 yrs but I just chopped jalapenos without forgetting and touching my eyes so I think my soul’s achieved its purpose for this life

— (((maura quint))) (@behindyourback) August 27, 2016

Roses are red

Bugs make me itch pic.twitter.com/c07u5erFAV

— dildo hoe (@wtfjxrge) August 24, 2016

“an oddly specific number” pic.twitter.com/m3J2w4h7gA

— Shen Ye (@shen) August 24, 2016

If a stranger catches you taking their photo, let them know it’s okay by softly saying, “Don’t worry, this is just for me”

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 27, 2016

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]

driving instructor: what was that

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 27, 2016

Colin Kaepernick ruined the sanctity of the anthem before a preseason NFL game at Levi’s Stadium. Levi’s: The Official Jeans of the 49ers.

— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) August 27, 2016