Well, week 14 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
Houston
My god the Texans are awful. The Jaguars were beating up on them so badly, that they had to bring in Matt Schaub. Can you imagine things being so horrible that Matt Schaub makes them better? He came in and had a couple of nice drives, then quickly turned into the Schaub of old, as he finished the game with an interception and then a sack. The Texans have now lost 11 games in a row. If this were a season on Madden I would turn the game off, delete the save file, then throw my Xbox into a garbage disposal.
Indianapolis
What a crazy day of football. Cincinnati had a little snow, but it was nothing compared to what was going on around the league. Andrew Luck had four touchdowns, which looks fantastic, but it was mostly garbage time scores. It’s like your buddy who talks about how he always leaves the bar with a girl, but what he fails to mention is that it’s a 67-year old mother of six who has one leg and mistook him for her husband who passed away last winter.
Oakland
Ah, the epic quarterback battle between Geno “Maybe Next Time” Smith and Matt “They Don’t Even Print Trading Cards of Me” McGloin. The Jets pulled out the win and are somehow still in the playoff hunt. The Raiders are nowhere near the playoffs and will now offer ghost hunting tours in the stadium during games for those that don’t care about watching Taiwan Jones.
Detroit
It must be extremely frustrating being a Lions fan. First of all, you live in Detroit, so that’s already tough. Also, not much Megatron can do when there’s more snow than “The Day After Tomorrow.” The Benny Hill theme music could have been playing through most of the game, as the snow was just unrelenting. The strangest part was when The Penguin from “Batman Returns” came out and returned a kickoff for a touchdown. There was a lot of snow.
Pittsburgh
You know how teams always do that stupid play at the end of the game where they keep throwing the ball back and forth with laterals, but it never works? It almost worked! The Steelers were attempting one on their last play, while the Dolphins just stood around and watched. Were Steelers players yelling out spoilers for the next season of “The Walking Dead?” Why wouldn’t anyone go near them? The Steelers nearly ran it back, but just like every court case against Ben Roethlisberger, it came up just a little short.
Cleveland
Are you kidding me? Cleveland had a two possession lead with a little over two minutes left in the game. After a Patriots touchdown, they get an onside kick, which I didn’t think was possible unless you were playing a blind kid in Madden. The Pats got a huge chunk of yard on a terrible pass interference call. It’s weird how Tom Brady wasn’t yelling and screaming about that bad call, like he has on others. I thought he just really hated bad calls, but I guess I was wrong. Unfortunately Rob Gronkowski was injured so Bill Belichick will have to murder some kittens and use their souls as a sacrifice to the dark lord in order to get his leg healed.
Washington
RG3 was sacked so many times, I’m surprised his dad waited until after the game to come down and comfort him. I’m not 100% familiar with the rulebook, but if his dad wanted to come down and hug him after he’s been sacked, he should have the right to do so. Don’t you remember in “Little Giants” when Johnny’s dad came home early from business and ran onto the field to hug him after a touchdown? It’s the same concept. At least RG3 finally got pulled out of the game as they were getting slaughtered. It’s a little victory, right?
Minnesota
There were so many touchdowns during the final minutes of this game, I can’t imagine how stressful and frustrating it was for both of the Minnesota Vikings’ fans. If losing a close one like this isn’t bad enough, the basis of Minnesota’s economy also crashed. By that I mean Adrian Peterson got hurt. Don’t worry, his backup is Toby Gerhart, who sounds like the fake name of a country singer in a “Key & Peele” sketch.
Atlanta
If Falcons’ fans thought things couldn’t get any worse, they just got knocked off by a team on a five game losing streak led by Matt Flynn. The Falcons have fallen apart faster than a Jenga board on top of a Chevy Cavalier. Did I mention that the Cavalier had been pimped out by Xzibit and now runs on steam hydraulics while wiggling back and forth like a drunken earthworm? It’s hard to find a bright spot in the Falcons’ season. The new “Hobbit” movie comes out this week. Hopefully they’re all fans and watching it will brighten their day. That’s all I have for you, Falcons. Sorry.
Buffalo
The only game with less playoff implications than this one, is if Shannon Sharpe and Dan Marino decided to leg wrestle in the studio before the early games started. Bobby Rainey and Mike Glennon looked solid, which is good for the future of the franchise, but at this point both of these teams are just trying to ruin the day for playoff contenders. No one cares about them.
Tennessee
It’s hard to imagine a field goal being the highlight of a game where 79 points were scored, but Matt Prater’s 64-yard field goal was just insane. The Titans saw Peyton Manning throw four touchdowns and nearly 400 yards, as he politely hoisted two middle fingers to critics who said he couldn’t play in the cold. Really? You’ve got one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and he’s attacked for not being that good when it’s cold? Meanwhile Geno Smith is praised for only throwing a few interceptions, or Tony Romo is celebrated for not sucking as much this year. Manning is playing incredible, even for someone with a neck made of pieces from an old batting cage.
St. Louis
Nelly would be very disappointed. The Rams let Carson Palmer walk all over them, as he completed 27-32 passes on the day. Yes, this is the same Carson Palmer that was dumped by the Raiders. Yes, the same Carson Palmer that looks like every suspect in the Natalee Holloway case all rolled into one. Yes, the same Carson Palmer that said he would rather retire than play for a Bengals team that has gone to the playoffs every year since he left. The Rams just weren’t good enough today. Maybe when they get Sam Bradford back and can stop using Kellen Clemens who sounds like two made up last names crammed together in the worst witness protection program of all time.
New York Giants
Ok, I know the Giants’ season is basically over, but something really bothered me in this awful game. It was probably out of reach in the fourth quarter, but the Giants scored to make it 31-13. A two-point conversion puts you down by 16, which is a two-possession game, while an extra point does nothing, as you’re still down three possessions. So someone please tell me why the Giants aka Eli’s Friendship Club decided to kick an extra point? Just take a knee at that point, because you obviously don’t care about the game. Give Eli his juice box and chicken nuggets (WITH KETCHUP) and just end the game.
Seattle
It’s unfortunate that two teams as great as Seattle and San Francisco will end up with one fighting for a wild card spot, while the Rex Ryan finger grease covered Jets are still in contention over in the AFC. It’s clear that Seattle can dominate at home, but it’s possible to knock them off on the road. It’s like a drunk. If you mess with him in his house, he’s probably going to throw a lamp at you, because he knows the layout. Get him behind the wheel on the road and he’s going to crash the car and die. I’m not sure if that was an analogy or a confession to manslaughter, but either way, the Seahawks lost and drunk driving is very dangerous. Click it or ticket, or something like that.
Carolina
The two most hyped up teams in the NFL for the past few weeks got together, as analysts and experts dry humped their televisions so hard, you could feel the impact around the globe. The Panthers finally lose a game, after 8 straight wins, so now everyone will talk about how great the Saints are and what a contender they’ve become, even though the Seahawks destroyed them last week. It was a lose-lose situation really. Either you have to hear people from Louisiana brag about their team in that unrecognizable Cajun, drunken speech, or you have to watch Steve “When I Grow Up” Smith and Cam “No One Will Sit At My Table” Newton do their signature taunts like Jake the Snake used to do before hitting an opponent with a DDT. The real losers are us fans. We lost. Thanks Obama.
Dallas
Hey great defense, Dallas! What I figure is that Satan has this deal with Jerry Jones and Bill Belichick where only one can cash in a dark favor per week. You know, because there’s only so much blood of the innocent to go around. It was Jerry Jones’ week since he had a Monday Night game and Bill was only playing the Browns, but Belichick broke protocol and summoned the dark lord out of turn. It could have upset a delicate ecosystem. But seriously, the Bears destroyed the Cowboys and finished off my fantasy football season like the Undertaker in a casket match.
