I started this column about halfway through the college and NFL football seasons with a simple goal: help make you millions of dollars. It came about because I realized that I had a keen eye for sports betting, a true gift that I just had to share with the public. And after my very first bet came through, an UNDER in a Troy University football game, I was well on my way to achieving that goal.
If you joined me in the weeks that followed, you undoubtedly made boatloads of cash, as I finished with a 21-11-1 record (despite going 0 for 2 in NFL playoffs picks). And now, with “The Big Game” upon us, it is tim
e once again to show you the way to gambling glory. These bets are 100 PERCENT GUARANTEED TO MAKE US ALL RICH, and I am willing to share them with you to prove it. I’m putting my money where my mouth is. Feel free to join me.
CAN’T LOSE BET #1
How long it will take Renee Fleming to sing the National Anthem – OVER 2 minutes 25 seconds
Every year I bet on this prop, and every year it is the most exciting 2-3 minutes of the entire Super Bowl experience. When Christina Aguilera rushed through it and flubbed the words in 2011, it was still nearly two minutes long. When Beyonce sang it in 2004 with orchestra accompaniment, it was around 2:09. Well, guess what? Renee Fleming is a professional opera singer who holds notes longer than Bleeding Gums Murphy. And since the bet includes the time it takes her to complete the final “Brave,” which could be a minute long on its own, it would be wise to bet big on the over.
CAN’T LOSE BET #2
Coin Toss – TAILS
This one is easy: tails never fails. OK, that’s a lie; it has actually failed the last five Super Bowls and 6 of the last 7. I love betting against trends, though, and this is the best one to buck. Tails is due.
CAN’T LOSE BET #3
Will any member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers be shirtless during their performance? YES
Wishful thinking might be coming into play here (those dudes are hunks), but I actually have a solid reason for placing this bet. On the Kevin & Bean radio show, Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith was recently interviewed and asked about the band’s wardrobe. He made a few jokes about it being cold, but basically scoffed at the idea that the band would be wearing anything out of the ordinary. And ordinary for Anthony Kiedis and the boys is sans clothing. I don’t expect them to go socks over cocks like the old days on Fox, but they have to be at least a little rock ‘n’ roll, and shirtless is the way to go.
CAN’T LOSE BET #4
Total receptions for Percy Harvin – UNDER 4
Yes, Percy Harv
in is a game-changer. The problem is he can’t change games very often because he is constantly hurt. He returned from a hip injury in the playoffs only to get knocked out with a concussion in the divisional round against the Saints. He is reportedly ready to go for Sunday, though, and practiced in full on Wednesday. However, the Seahawks won without him against the 49ers, and you have to expect him to have a low snap count in the Super Bowl. My prediction is that he is used primarily as a decoy to give Marshawn more room to run and take some coverage away from Seattle’s other receivers. Percy might make a big play if the Broncos fall asleep, but don’t expect much more than that.
CAN’T LOSE BET #5
Seattle (+3) vs. Denver – Seattle +3
The spread has mostly been at Seattle +2.5 or +2 all week, but if you go to Bovada right now and pay a little extra juice (-120), you can grab the Seahawks as a field goal underdog. This is money in the bank. I can list all the advantages that Seattle has over Denver in this game (including the fact that they actually opened as favorites over the Broncos before a bunch of fools jumped on Denver’s bandwagon), but you have probably heard them all already. All you need to really know is this: Denver has decided to wear their orange jerseys. The last time they did that in the Super Bowl, they lost 55-10 to the 49ers. This remains the most lopsided loss in Super Bowl history. They also wore orange in the Super Bowl two years before that and lost to the Redskins 42-10. When the Broncos actually won their Super Bowls against the Packers and Falcons, they wore blue and white respectively. So why would they tempt fate and don the ugly orange again? Some claim it’s because it will give them a slight visibility advantage in case there is snow, but I think it’s just because they’re stupid. I fully believe the Seahawks are going to win this game, but feel free to take the points just in case.
BONUS CAN’T LOSE BET
Super Bowl XLVIII MVP – Marshawn Lynch (15/4 odds)
That’s right, boss. When the Seahawks win the Super Bowl, it will be because their stud running back was “just ’bout that action” and went Beast Mode all over the Broncos defense. Lynch has rushed for over 100 yards in four of six career postseason games (including the last two), and Denver is about to be the next victim. At a little more than 3 to 1 odds, you’d be a fool to not drop at least one paycheck on Marshawn for MVP, and make it rain Skittles at your Super Bowl party when you cash in.
