Photo: Bryan Steffy (Getty)
Christmas has its own corny soundtrack. It’s almost as if you couldn’t have the holiday without the songs. Songs that are supposed to be the very merry expression of the season. But many of those songs suck so softly they have been known to cause projectile puking, and they may even make you an asshole.
Thankfully, others have found a way to take the goodwill-on-earth feel of those well-loved songs and shove it right up ol’ Santa’s fat red ass, then flip him over, kick him into a mosh pit, and see how he fares. What kind of heathens turn Christmas carols into such rebel songs? Well, that would be the fearless iconoclasts who dare to be the most unlikely musicians ever to put out Christmas songs.
Snoop Doggy Dogg – “Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto“
With a name and groove plucked from James Brown’s funky plea to Santa to skip the rich kids’ neighborhood and head someplace he’s actually needed, the 1996 Death Row version has a similar bite. Still, I’m pretty sure if Santa did encounter Snoop, Daz Dillinger, Nate Dogg, Bad Azz, and Tray Dee rollin’ in a ’64, he’d probably want to trade sleighs, or at least hang out for a while. A lot of pretty lively Christmas parties are depicted in Christmas song videos, some on this very page, but none of those parties are like the one that Snoop and his homies are rolling to. Unfortunately, this video missed quite the opportunity to let portly and jolly Suge Knight dress up as Santa Claus, he would have been perfect.
Twister Sister – “A Twisted Christmas“
The fact that these guys ever happened is actually somewhat unlikely, considering their stylist, but hey, what do you expect from a band from Long Island in the ’80s? What a decade, where a group of guys could dress up as their favorite pro wrestlers and get paid to record “We’re Not Gonna Take It” again, only this time with the lyrics to “Oh Come All Ye Faithful”. Even more surprisingly, they put out an entire hair metal Christmas album, which, all in all, actually makes you miss the old standards.
Spın̈al Tap – “Christmas With the Devil“
There’s a lot of rocking Christmas songs out there, but this is the only one that goes to 11. Thanks in no small part to bassist extraordinaire Derek Smalls, the only man who can pull off red latex leathers emblazoned with a giant Luciferian trident tail. But it stands to reason that most folks would play a more powerful bass while balanced by a third leather leg. Three chords and a tail. That’s rock ‘n’ roll. Although it doesn’t exactly do a whole lot for Derek’s balance. Of course, Derek recovers, and he and Nigel Tufnel, David St. Hubbins, and another doomed drummer go on to rock so hard they wake up the most metal little elves you ever saw. Christmas rock commences mightily. And Satan laughs a wicked laugh.
Guns N’ Roses – “White Christmas“
A white Christmas takes on a whole new meaning when sung through Axl Rose’s nose. But whatever was going on in the recording studio for this one, they were definitely gassed up, cause the band rips through Irving Berlin’s traditional Christmas classic with all the intensity of GNR’s best stuff. This is the kind of Christmas I could get into. The kind that would make Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, and Rosemary Clooney have a White powdery Christmas and a threesome. Sadly, Bing’s version, the best-selling single of all time, seems to be a bit more widely adored this time of year.
The Boy Least Likely To – “Christmas Isn’t Christmas”
Okay, these twee-pop chaps didn’t really make the list because they’re all that unlikely to make Christmas music. They’re excruciatingly soft, and that’s about all it takes to write a standard Christmas song. Really, most their stuff kind of sounds like Christmas music. But could we really have a list about unlikely musicians doing Christmas music without at least mentioning a group that put out an album titled, “The Boy Least Likely To Christmas Special”? It seems unlikely.
Dread Zeppelin – “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth“
Dread Zeppelin is pretty much the most unlikely band in the world, regardless of the season. They’re basically a reggae Led Zeppelin cover band with a Fat-Elvis impersonator front-man. I love reggae. I love Zep. I love Fat-Elvis. And I love love. But all love need not intermingle, regardless of what Californians try to tell you. After the novelty wears off, this band gets annoying quick like a bunny. And the band gets annoying even faster when they’re singing Christmas songs (as pretty much anyone would). This song in particular is a hunka hunka burning shit. I’d rather hear the little girl without any front teeth sing it. And that would make me an asshole.
Bad Religion – “Christmas Songs“
You wouldn’t expect a glorious send up to the seasonal standards from a group that calls themselves Bad Religion and sings a song as scathing as “American Jesus” (which takes on extra sting with Eddie Vedder on background vocals), but I’ll be damned if I’ve heard more inspired caroling in my whole life than on their album “Christmas Songs,” which is full of piercing, urgent punkish renditions of yuletide classics, replete with dynamically layered harmonies that would make the Mormon Tabernacle blush in shame. Shame. This is one of the few times “O Come All Ye Faithful” actually makes this Jewish kid want to hail in exultation. But if I would have known there was headbanging involved in adoring Christ the Lord, I might have believed sooner.
Tom Waits – “Christmas Card From a Hooker In Minneapolis“
If you’re upset that you didn’t get any Christmas cards this year, this song should help you reassess that stance. In his inimitably boozy fashion, like he just chased ash with Old Grand Dad, Waits tells the tale of a hooker who writes her old flame Charlie to express her season’s greetings and her pregnancy with Charlie’s child. She then recounts a story about finding someone else to raise Charlie’s kid, so he doesn’t have to worry. But by the end of the song, she changes her tune, not about the seasonal greetings, but about the benefactor boyfriend. Turns out she’s in jail and needs money. But the good news is she’ll be out by Valentine’s Day! See, you don’t need Christmas cards anyways.
DMX – “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer“
Just because this song started out as a brilliantly conceived Power 105 promotional stunt, that doesn’t mean DMX’s “Rudolph” doesn’t deserve entry on this list. Sure, he didn’t exactly put this song out as an official release, but it’s still better than any other version of this song. DMX lays it righteously down in one snarling take. On the spot. Dark Man X, the fiercest rapper alive, doesn’t need a sheet full of lyrics, all he needs is a beat, which he ill-ly drops on his own, then turns the once spineless carol into a full-on jam, replete with Come-ons and Ughs and Whats and Forevers. Which is nearly as impressive as memorizing every reindeer’s name. Well, maybe that’s what happens when you have 12 Christmas-loving kids.
Henry Rollins – “Twas the Night Before Christmas“
Before he went caroling with Stephen Colbert, Rollins pretty much flipped off “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” a poem/song that has had “massive impact” on why we give gifts in the first place. And Hank actually makes the idea of Santa visiting a scary fucking prospect. There’s helicopters circling, gun shots firing, hypnotic bass lines thumping, possessive sirens wailing, and general discomfort weaving into a terrifying tale of St. Nick’s imminent breaking and entering. It’s actually kind of a brilliant idea. What if, instead of painting this harmonious vision of a snow covered Christmas morn, with ruddy Santa happily delivering gifts, then sleighing away with a few more cookies and another nip—what if instead we raised the next generation of kids to fear Santa? Present him as Hank Rollins coming down the chimney to beat your ungrateful ass with a red sack full of coal? We’ll see how badly those little brats want the new iWatch then.
