Murray Bauman from Stranger Things epitomizes a certain type of persona: a jaded, pajama-wearing, occasionally drunk conspiracy theorist. The quick-witted investigative journalist turned recluse is almost always on to something; he anticipated a Russian presence in Hawkins way before anyone else. One could even call “Bald Eagle” Bauman a stand-in for the audience—he calls out characters for being cliché and is very anti-establishment, like the internet’s current (yet eternal) obsession with things like Area 51. For those of you looking at the stars and quietly whispering, “Don’t abduct me,” or for anyone who curses authority, here are six tips for putting your paranoia to good use. Warning: Minor spoilers ahead.
Cover Photo: Netflix
Be respectful: The Chief Hopper Handbook to Being an Adult That Kids Will Respect (And Other Stranger Things)
More insight: The Billy Hargrove Guide to Being a Misunderstood Badass (And Other Stranger Things)
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The Murray Bauman Hand Guide to Handling Stranger Things (or Area 51)
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Trust no one.
There’s a knock at the door. You’re in the middle of a riveting rerun of The Twilight Zone. How dare some parasite bother you? You grab your double barrel shotgun (which you have never fired before) and approach the keyhole. It doesn’t matter who’s on the other side of the door, they will be met with unwavering aggression. In a world full of spies, scoundrels, and shape-shifting aliens, no one is trustworthy…except your mother if she only calls between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m. as previously discussed.
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Don't be afraid to be a dick.
People get away with way too much. Children even more so. Stand your ground and don’t take shit from anyone; you were brought into this world to be a truth seeker. No stone will be left unturned and no remark will be left unchecked…unless Erica Sinclair calls you out again. That girl is on par with Satan and Stalin.
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Say what everyone else is thinking.
Awkward silences and convoluted small talk are annoying AF. Let’s get to brass tacks: there are Russian spies in Hawkins, those spies were behind Barb's disappearance, and Independence Day might as well be a cautionary tale if we don’t sack up and raid Area 51.
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Be persistent.
“People don't spend their lives trying to get a look at what's behind the curtain. They like the curtain. It provides them stability, comfort, definition.”
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Do your research.
No one expects you to know anything, so know everything. It doesn’t even matter if your facts are less than accurate; if you throw enough darts at the dart board, eventually you’ll stop hitting the wall. Adept metaphors aside, pay attention to what is going on around you even when the neighbors decide to close their blinds and the local general store refuses you service. So, you got a little worked up about there being expired milk in their fridge. Boo hoo. Just write a bad Yelp review.
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Befriend your enemies.
The Russian you learned may come in handy in unexpected ways; maybe you’ll meet a Slurpee-loving scientist who is just as curious and frightened as you are. You’ll bond over conspiracy theories and come up with the idea to start a Facebook group entitled “Six Degrees of Freedom – What the Heck is Going on With Area 51?” If you play your cards right, you and your army of internet trolls will be ready to storm a government facility in no time.
P.S. Avoid carnivals at all cost.
