Speaking from the proverbial pulpit of Joel Osteen’s superchurch in Houston for his biggest Sunday Service yet, Kanye West preached his belief that the media is indoctrinating children to be mindless consumerists. And of all the things that have made us pause and rewind during West’s 2019 born-again moment, this has got to be one of the funniest. For the only man to outsell the Pope at Madison Square Garden to use the image of Christ to sell $1.50 T-shirts for $70-plus, these words reveal the true hypocrisy of a former rapper turned clown. Albeit a rich clown.
While it’s true that consumerism has been running rampant in wealthy nations around the globe thanks to the power of advertising, West has done nothing to curtail this other than spouting theories into a microphone. His reversal of fortune, from begging Mark Zuckerberg to bail him out of a $56 million debt in 2016, to grossing over $150 million a year on retail is all thanks to legions of young consumers who are happy to pay top dollar for the latest Yeezy product. Maybe a better name for West’s church service would be West’s merch service. West’s latest antics are so rankling, we came up with 10 things we wish “the greatest artist that God has ever created” was doing instead.
Photo: L. Cohen (Getty Images)
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Kanye Merch Service
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Working at a Starbucks, but like, in the back.
Keep your head down for little while, big guy. We'll get our own refill. Just keep stacking those boxes.
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Designing a spa experience for hairless cats.
This seems right up West's alley. We think he could do some of his best work here.
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Operating the Ferris wheel at a traveling carnival.
Clearly the man has a lot of energy. Let him spin the wheel.
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Operating the Ferris wheel at a traveling carnival.
Seriously, go stand by the wheel.
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Running a frozen yogurt stand in Bermuda.
West can moonlight as a wisecracking archaeologist with a parrot sidekick and finally solve the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle. Win win.
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Sailing around the world on a fiberglass catamaran.
The fastest person who sailed around the world still took 42 days. That's 42 days we'll cherish forever.
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Performing puppet shows for underprivileged children.
Um, on second thought, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
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Going on a silent retreat for 10 years.
If the first 10 years go well, who knows. He can use his silence to protest media and consumerism.
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Learning how to be happy.
We don't know what the secret to happiness is, but we're pretty sure it's not him selling another shoe.
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Making a solid rap album again.
The thing that launched West to stardom in the first place has taken a backseat to the rest of West. We're hoping it's just a temporary eclipse of the once-prolific beat-maker that will soon pass away into the night.
