Netflix is about to have some serious competition in the streaming game and that can only mean one thing: more ways to get our freak on. We’ve rounded up the top 11 services that’ll be giving “Netflix and chill” a run for its money. The new versions may discard some of the subtleties of their predecessor, but that’s only because 2020 is all about cutting to the chase. Here’s to the future of casual hookups.
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Hulu and Hump
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Peacock and Balls
Thanks to all the reboots, Peacock will be your one-stop-shop for not paying any attention to what's on TV while you navigate the supple world of living room romance.
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Hulu and Hump
The commercials are a little distracting, but the autoplay feature works like a charm. Just keep humping through season one of The Handmaid's Tale and everything will work out fine.
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Prime and Pentrate
Get that one-day shipping to deliver all the things you need to make it magical: one fuzzy couch blanket, two Yankee Candles, and a bulk supply of carpet wipes.
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Disney+ Dick Down
By far the classiest and most family-friendly way to connect the...ahem...dots. Nothing's finer than a little game of beauty and the beast.
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Crackle and Pop
Crackle is the mobile streaming service that puts hundreds of movies and TV shows in the palm of your hand. Perfect for hostel guests, vagrants, and other horny people on the go.
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Philo and Tea
While you may not yet know that Philo brings dozens of classic cable channels to your nearest streaming device, Philo knows that there's no aphrodisiac in the world stronger than a nice warm cup of English tea.
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ESPN+ and Round Second Base
When the action on the field stops, the action in your pants begins. Ideal for quick thrusts during timeouts, commercial breaks, and penalties.
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Apple TV and Assplay
Reinvent the original sin with Apple TV.
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YouTube and Lube
Let's be honest, this one's probably a solo sport at best.
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Quibi and Premature Ejaculation
DreamWorks tycoon Jeffrey Katzenberg is launching a star-studded, bite-sized streaming service in 2020 to deliver short-form original content. Better make it a quickie.
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Channel 7 and 69
Don't forget, if the Wi-Fi is down, you can always flip over to basic TV for some old-school Channel 7 and 69. Bottom line: the future of streaming is looking bright and we plan to take full advantage.
