Prepare the Advil. Universal Music Group has just partnered with popular meditation and sleep app, Calm, to release an hour-long version of pop songs from their stable of artists, including Post Malone and Katy Perry. Because three minutes of Ariana Grande singing about blowjobs wasn’t enough, it had to be longer.
Joining the ranks of extended version legends like six-hour “Baby Shark” and infinite drum loop “In the Air Tonight,” seven new sleep-remixes (claiming to aid in sleep) are being released onto the app for World Sleep Day. Calm has a three-month exclusive license on the remixes, after which point, the versions may gain a wider release “if the move feels right,” according to UMG’s executive vice president of Music Curation.
While the debate on whether pop music has gotten worse over time still rages (it’s been scientifically proven), there’s no doubt that major label artists continue to bombard the airwaves wherever we go. From TikTok dance challenges to the music that comes on when we start filling our tank at the gas station, there’s no escaping the homogenous arm of pop music. It makes perfect sense then, that the next evolution of this dastardly trend is to attack us in our sleep as well.
If this doesn’t exactly sound relaxing to you, you’re not alone. We can only imagine what hidden messages are embedded into each track that will soon force us to buy the next Jonas Brothers record.
World Sleep Day may forever have a black mark upon its soft and sagging shoulders, but there’s no need to lose sleep just yet. Calm down guys, it’s only music. That said, here are seven sounds we find more relaxing than an hour of Post Malone.
Cover Photo: blackCAT (Getty Images)
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Calm App Sounds
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Our Neighbor Jackhammering in the Yard
We've already thought of a way to make it zen.
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Our Girlfriend Nagging the Hell Out of Us
What's an hour of nagging? As soon as we tie the knot, it'll be a lifetime.
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The Indie 500
We're talking the scream of engines, the sound of exploding cars, and the roar of Budweiser-drenched rednecks.
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A Mid-Summer Skunk Orgy
In the bushes right outside our window.
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Our Roommates Having a 'Most Annoying Sound in the World' Battle
Not just any battle, the championships.
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Nails on a Chalkboard
Music to our freaking ears.
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Fox News at Full Blast
Just kidding, we'll take Katy Perry singing about rainbows any day.
