When Twitter gave the option to make direct messaging available to anyone, it opened two very different doors. It made it nice for companies or brands to be able to communicate with you without having to follow them. Just because you need to ask Southwest Airlines about a flight voucher doesn’t mean you want to read their tweets every day for the rest of your life. On the other hand, it also made it possible for literally any stranger to contact you.
For the most part, the most annoying things I consistently get are spam messages sent in bulk to a dozen people about some dumb music page or YouTube video. I’ll get a few nice messages or questions, too, but every now and again I’ll receive a dirty message. I ignore them and we both go on about our day. Their day was clearly going to be filled with much more horniness than mine.
In addition to the open messages, Twitter decided to extend the length of each message beyond 140 characters. This seemed like a very obvious move. The problem for me was that I was still using an out-of-date Twitter app called Tweetbot that wasn’t designed for messages beyond 140 characters, so when you’d receive a message it would show you the first part of it, but then you had to click on a link to see the rest of it. I know, I know. That’s the most inconvenient thing in the world and I don’t know why I kept doing it for so long. But don’t worry, after this incident I immediately upgraded to the official Twitter app.
I received a message from a guy that looked like Mr. Belvedere if he were a social studies teacher. I wish I didn’t have to blur the photo so you could see how unassuming and non-threatening this guy looked. The whole message didn’t show up, but I read the first part of it and knew exactly where it was going.
I get questions all the time about my voice, because it’s really deep and sort of scratchy, so it catches people off guard. I get asked if I’m sick, have a sore throat, or if I’ve smoked my entire life. I’ve actually never smoked and the reason my voice sounds the way it does is because I had a condition called RRP where you continually get something similar to polyps on your vocal cords like singers get, except with RRP they have to be surgically cleared out or they’ll keep spreading, cut off your airflow and kill you. FUN!
So I read the message and knew the answer before I even clicked on the rest of the message. Or so I thought. Here’s how I responded:
Harmless enough, right?
The response I got after that certainly caught me off guard.
Uh what? Either this guy turned a completely innocent conversation into something really intensely sexual out of nowhere, or…I missed some vital information in that first message. I hesitantly clicked on the link to read the full conversation. Unfortunately, here’s how it actually went down:
First of all, thanks a lot, Tweetbot. You couldn’t have given me just a few more words to see that Mr. Belvedere wanted to sex me up? Also, I just gave the most casual response ever to an old man telling me that my voice triggers hours of orgasms for him. I even started it off with “haha” which is the text version of twirling my hair with my finger and rubbing his leg. By the way, don’t think the irony is lost on me that my battery percentage was at 69 percent when I took the screenshots. REALLY FUNNY, GUYS!
I didn’t know what to do so I just deleted the thread and turned off my phone. I’m sorry I led you on, old horny guy. But most of all I’m sorry that I didn’t update my Twitter app sooner. Turn on those automatic updates, folks. It can save you from some very uncomfortable scenarios.
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