Image Credit: Matt Jelonek / Getty Images + Wikimedia
I’ve always been largely ambivalent towards ice cream. Yes, it’s refreshing on a particularly hot day, but considering that my hometown of Birmingham, England is blighted by weather that is a consistent, oppressive shade of grey, it’s not exactly necessary. But while I have always assumed that my lack of true appreciation for the dairy dessert was simply due to me having an unfortunate taste palette, it turns out that it may actually be because I’m not a gay man.
The Grand Tour co-host and Jeremy Clarkson’s ventriloquist dummy Richard Hammond’s comments that he doesn’t eat ice cream because “it’s something to do with being straight” saw the presenter become the top trending topic in the UK, with many bemused by the absurdity of his statement and also questioning why Amazon had let it go to air. During the controversial segment, Hammond replies to Clarkson’s suggestion that you couldn’t “enjoy a chocolate Magnum ice cream” in a Volvo due to its white interior, saying: “It’s all right, I don’t eat ice cream. It’s something to do with being straight.”
? hello & here's the full richard hammond 'ice creams are gay' piece and yeah, it's awful pic.twitter.com/JhDisRsc1Q
— ollie cole (@ProducerOllie) December 26, 2016
When pushed to expand upon his comments by a confused Clarkson, Hammond continued: “Ice cream is a bit – you know… There’s nothing wrong with it, but a grown man eating an ice cream – it’s that way, rather than that way. I’m right. I can’t believe you can’t see that. It’s easy. It’s in front of you.” The audience then applauds Hammond’s comments, as though they had also been harbouring a suspicion that ice cream was only enjoyed by homosexual men, and that they were pleased that someone had finally vocalised it.
But what if Richard Hammond is on to something? What if his incredibly fragile masculinity leads to us realising that, actually, ice cream should be exclusively consumed by gay men? Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of “The Hamster’s” argument:
Ice Cream Is Gay Because… It’s Presentable
A few scoops of ice cream in a bowl or, as Richard Hammond would call it, a gay orgy.
It’s difficult to find a bad-looking ice cream, with them coming in a variety of colors and therefore lending themselves well to an impressive-looking dessert. That’s not to say that gay men are naturally more presentable than straight men but, let’s face it, TV execs commissioned ‘Queer Eye For The Straight Guy‘ and not ‘Straight Guy Who Dresses Solely in Ill-Fitting Bootcut Jeans Unenthusiastically Attempts to Put Clothes on a Gay Man.’
Coincidentally, one need look no further than the presenters of The Grand Tour to see what a typical straight man’s dress sense looks like in its final evolved form. Clarkson, Hammond and James May each look like they’ve fallen feet-first into a Burton menswear store, and have tumbled out dressed like men knee-deep in a mid-life crisis attending a wedding for a distant relative. Their look is “smart casual” if you replace the word “smart” with “irredeemably terrible.” They have little in common with ice cream.
Ice Cream Isn’t Gay Because… It Doesn’t Have Sex With Men
Ice cream is a dairy product that is neither sentient nor in possession of genitalia, so it is therefore impossible for it to have sex with a man. One could make the suggestion that ice cream could potentially be used as some form of ice cold lubricant, but it has no agency over this decision. Ice cream can’t be intrinsically linked to homosexuality because it is a food product, and food products cannot be gay.
Ice Cream Is Gay Because… Richard Hammond Doesn’t Like It
Just three cones chilling out. But what are they hiding?
To be fair to Richard Hammond, he insists that he finds “nothing wrong” with being gay in the above The Grand Tour clip, However, this claim comes immediately after his admission that he avoids eating ice cream out of fear of looking like a gay man, so it’s difficult to really ascertain his position on the whole homophobic spectrum. Restricting yourself from eating an entire food product out of fear of looking homosexual certainly seems like the behavior of a man who, if not partially homophobic, is at least very uncomfortable with his own sexuality, so it’s suggestible that he isn’t going to be turning up to The Grand Tour set waving a rainbow flag any time soon. So considering how Super Straight little Hammond is, smashing the Kinsey scale into the ground with his small yet powerful hands that probably smell like petrol and cement mix, him not liking ice cream suggests that ice cream might actually be gay. Because, y’know, of how damned straight he is.
Ice Cream Isn’t Gay Because… It Still Doesn’t Have Sex With Men
Unfortunately, despite Richard Hammond’s protests it transpires that ice cream still isn’t having sex with men, therefore severely reducing the odds of it being a gay dessert. While Hammond may have thought that he once saw a Cornetto in his freezer giving him the glad eye, in reality ice cream continues to not be a living thing and is therefore not able to be homosexual. Hopefully this eases the minds of any The Grand Tour viewers who, upon hearing Hammond’s comments, began questioning whether any more of their favourite food items had sexual preferences, too.
