Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @InternetHippo (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 10-20-17
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) October 13, 2017
Occasionally, all the time now, I want to kill myself. pic.twitter.com/VmPH5jE6uB
— t.j. miller (@nottjmiller) October 13, 2017
NOW you tell me!
— @HamillHimself (@HamillHimself) October 14, 2017
*extremely brutal work week voice* Folks, pic.twitter.com/exdTTwIT0k
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) October 13, 2017
jesus christ……who the hell names their kid sharon pic.twitter.com/SbsfzvlIQo
— bobby (@bobby) October 13, 2017
it’s fucked up my friend who once didn’t brush his teeth for a whole 6 months because “it made cigarettes taste bad” just bought a house
— Christian (@nopoweradeinusa) October 15, 2017
i aspire to be as unbothered as the girl in the aeropostale jacket pic.twitter.com/SfQSLCCps6
— prince ⚣ (@dngerousprince) October 15, 2017
(people who drive pt cruisers ignore this) good afternoon everyone
— bauhausfanaccoun (@hypedresonance) October 13, 2017
Coworker: where’s the coffee?
Manager: we sent the intern out to get some an hour ago
Me: pic.twitter.com/UZz1I65i7e— Ally Gator (@notacroc) October 17, 2017
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) October 16, 2017
OH MY GOD pic.twitter.com/V6aU3HKjMC
— mow (@AfricaByMowto) October 16, 2017
[Police Station]
Me: Also he had pretty short hair.
Sketch artist: Like this? *shows drawing*
Me: No, prettier.
— Alex with an ex (@psybermonkey) October 13, 2017
It’s my favorite time of the year baby!!!!, when my hands and feet become cold for 6 consecutive months
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) October 17, 2017
Every game of Mariokart ever pic.twitter.com/4BXY16EDZq
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) October 12, 2017
ron howard: we have a great name for the Han Solo movie
ron howard narrating: they didn’t pic.twitter.com/byAbqB6LWV
— tc (@chillmage) October 17, 2017
friend: can i ask for ur advice on something
me (have never made a decision that didn’t fuck me over for months afterward): yes absolutely
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 17, 2017
i made a helpful venn diagram pic.twitter.com/dglw2zKqJk
— penjamin.spoop (@upsidedowntrash) October 18, 2017
I applaud such body positivity. Hopefully the medical field will change the name “Type 2 Diabetes” to “Fabulous Diabetes” someday soon. pic.twitter.com/nkCaRnbMXS
— J Burton (@JBurtonXP) September 11, 2017
FaceTiming the water so it doesn’t boil over while I’m watching tv in the other room. pic.twitter.com/9gWyG7AlcL
— Justin (@JustinHillister) October 16, 2017
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
— Spaced (@Spaced_Cowboy00) June 19, 2016
