5 Occupations Ted Cruz Is Better Suited For Than Senate

Regardless of your party affiliation, when you look at Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) you can’t help but feel nauseated. He’s like if you combined Xmen’s Wolverine with a lumpy potato. Even though the ultra-conservative senator has an elite pedigree, he likes to cosplay as one of the salt-of-the-earth everymen.  In fact, it’s as if he has no business whatsoever in the US Senate. That’s why we feel Cancun Ted is far more suited for these occupations.

Used Porta-Potty Salesman

Aside from the fact that Ted Cruz is a politician and by nature full of sh*t, he just looks like he could sell a whole truckload of porta-potties to a construction site. But Ted isn’t quite good enough to sell new ones. Rather, he seems more qualified to sell used ones. You’d probably be more willing to buy a used porta-potty from Ted than anything he’s trying to sell in the Senate.

Moonshine Maker

One look at Ted Cruz and you get the feeling he’s no stranger to the hooch. He just seems like the type of dad who could be caught making moonshine in the bathtub when his kid’s friends are over. So Ted should probably forget this whole trying to bring down government thing and stick to getting hillbillies their moonshine.

Big Game Hunter Who Gets Stomped on by Elephant

Like many wealthy Republicans with no real hunting background whatsoever, Ted Cruz looks like the perfect a-hole big game hunter. We already know how much he hates cool weather. What better place to abandon his constituents next time than an Africa safari? Besides having to kill the biggest thing to make up for a certain lack of a particular reproductive organ, Ted seems most likely to get stomped to death by an elephant.

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Crash Test Dummy

When it comes to purchasing a car nowadays, safety is one of the most important factors. Even more important is not wasting too much money to achieve those results. With Ted Cruz, automakers have a very fast and cheap inanimate object to ensure the car’s overall safety and performance. Who wouldn’t want to hire Ted for that gig?

 Septic Sludge Diver

We’ve already established that Ted Cruz would make an excellent used porta-potty salesman, but why not level up and make him a septic sludge diver? When you’ve spent as much time in DC and taken as much money from the National Rifle Association as Ted Cruz has, you’re pretty accustomed to dealing with septic sludge. And considering Ted literally stinks to high heaven as his former college roommate pointed out, it’s only natural for him to dive into a sea of septic waste. At least he’ll actually be benefiting humanity with the septic waste in rivers and not his political donor list.

Cover Image: Drew Angerer / Staff (Getty Images)