Celebrity Pet Matchmaker: Picking the Perfect Wild Animal For Celebrities No Human Would Ever Want

A good pet can bring out the joy in life. A pet can reduce stress, calm nerves, provide companionship and, depending on the animal, make a great workout partner.

But for celebrities who live their lives in the spotlight, and are constantly trying to make a social media splash, a “generic” dog or cat just might not be cool enough for them. That’s where Mandatory comes in. We consulted our most exalted matchmaking experts to pick the perfect pet for a select group of celebrities.

Donald Trump – Orange Roughy

The Donald has a large aquarium in his Mar-a-Lago digs, and an orange roughy would be right at home in that tank. Not only will the fish’s color create an instant compadre vibe, but because cuddling fish tends to kill them, and Trump is much more of a grabber than a cuddler, this is the ideal pairing.

Marjorie Taylor Greene – Ostrich

When a threat presents itself, despite having the ability to run away or even fight, ostriches prefer to stick their heads in the sand and pretend they’re invisible, making them one of the dumbest, if not the dumbest creature on the planet. Do we really need to say more?

Steve Buscemi – Galago (aka Bush Baby)

With their enormous eyes and large, angled-out ears, bush babies have a legit “Baby Yoda” visage. They’re cute, but also really weird-looking. And Steve, well…

Johnny Depp – Bohemian Waxwing Bird

This Eurasian bird is a voracious consumer of rowan tree berries which ferment in cool weather, plumping up with alcohol. Bohemian Waxwings don’t have anyone to cut them off, so they usually keep eating until they’re so drunk they can’t fly straight, then smack into anything in their path when they take flight. Wildlife officials have actually checked these birds into rehab on prior occasions.

Amber Heard – Howler Monkey

Not only can they be quite aggressive when angry, but they’ve also been known to poop where their mates sleep.

Harry Styles – Scarlet Macaw

Both handsome and pretty at the same time, the Scarlet Macaw commands attention wherever it goes. It’s also a fussy bird, and grooms itself constantly, its feathers rarely out of place.

Snoop Dogg – Giant African Land Snail

Unquestionably the most chill creature in the world, Giant African Land Snails are the ultimate “go with the flow” critter. Give ‘em a big bowl of something green and leafy, and they’re content. We’re not sure if they like gin and juice.

Will Smith – Red Kangaroo

The fiercest kangaroo variant is more than capable of defending itself against many predators. If Will’s looking for a new sparring partner that won’t just stand there and tell jokes, he’s certainly found one.

Alec Baldwin – Armadillo

They have head-to-toe armor to protect themselves. We’ll leave it at that.

Vladimir Putin – Inland Taipan

We honestly don’t believe Vlad deserves a pet, but considering the Inland Taipan is the deadliest snake in the world and will attack anything, even when unprovoked, we’re going to do all we can to make this union happen and let nature take its course.

Cover Photo: YouTube