TRUE BLOOD 6.03 "You're No Good"

Episode Title: “You’re No Good”

Writer: Mark Hudis

Director: Howard Deutch

Funny how these things work out. Blair Marnell and I were just talking about how the vampires on “True Blood” don’t act like vampires anymore, and now here comes an episode where Eric Northman seduces a virginal young girl, while threatening to kill her, and eventually even takes her into his coffin for a mid-day nap. Old school Dracula type shit, that’s what that is.

As with any series this sprawling – unless they’re produced by David Simon, anyway – the success of any “True Blood” episode depends on which subplots you care about and how much screen time they get. “True Blood” does a pretty good job of balancing its storylines with equal screentime, meaning that every damned episode is hit-or-miss, and the series only properly works as a whole entity. It’s rough reviewing “True Blood” on an episode-to-episode basis. These are not isolated stories, they are interwoven into a bigger (not necessarily grander) narrative that is perhaps best judged as a whole since, ultimately, that’s how they’re more likely to be viewed as time wears on. Once Season 6 is over, you will watch it on home video in sizable chunks, rather than wait a week for the next installment.

But wait a week we do, at least for the moment, and so we’re left with good stories (Eric’s war with Governer Burrell), stories with promise (Billith’s attempts to save the vampire race), stories that better go somewhere pretty soon or we’ll give up on them altogether (Alcide is just an asshole, apparently), and stories that seem lazier than a polecat in a heatwave (everything Sookie does lately; also, don’t think too hard about that analogy, because I sure didn’t).

After Eric’s pussycat routine in Season 4, and heroism routine in Season 5, it’s refreshing to see that he’s still a vampire, and still capable of selling lines like, “If I tear you apart, right down here, would that devastate him? Would that rip his fucking heart out?” His smoldering eyes sure help. And his smooth yet chiseled features. And his rock hard abs which… Where was I?

Oh yes, he kidnaps Burrell’s daughter, and he even has the courtesy to leave behind some gently rippling curtains to tell her would-be protectors what happened in an ever-so-subtle way. The rest of the episode finds him using young Willa (Amelia Rose Blaire) as a bargaining chip, and trying to keep Pam from killing her outright. Willa has useful information about the Governor’s plans, including his secret gulag for Goebblerian scientific experiments on vampires. It’s too bad Tara took his threats against Willa so seriously, because now they’re on the run from the guy who, unlike Billith, actually seems to be looking out for the vampire race.

As for Billith, he decided to take a little morning stroll, assuming he’s immortal because he had a dream where he could do that sort of thing. It’s actually very strange to watch Jessica try to talk him out of it, afraid for his life, since by now “True Blood” has proven that walking out in the sunlight is hardly an instant death sentence for vampires of any stripe. Bill walked across the damned town in the middle of the day once, and he turned out just fine. So when Billith catches fire and runs inside the house, it’s both stupid that he tried and stupid that Jessica cared.

But in any case, Billith decides that the best way to save vampire-kind is to synthesize the blood of the half-fae, and give the vampires the power to walk amongst the mortals at all hours of the day. Not a bad idea, actually. He’s kind of a dick about it to Sookie, so she refuses him (even though, again, it’s actually a really good idea for everyone), so when he learns of Sheriff Bellefleuer’s new half-fae progeny – sort of, since nobody actually tells him they’re half-fae, so how the hell does he know? – he smirks to himself and lets the episode end, as if the vague idea for a potential plot point somehow qualifies as a cliffhanger.

Did I mention how great the Eric Northman subplot was in this episode? It really gets you through the hard times. “Sadly, Ginger, no, we will not be fucking on this occasion. However, the night will come when we do. This I promise you.” Good times.

Meanwhile, the idiotic but presumably well-meaning pro-Vampire league (I know they have another name, but who cares) confronts Alcide’s werewolf pack to show their support and prove, dickishly, to the outside world that they exist. That goes spectacularly badly for everyone, Nicole Wright (Jurnee Smollett-Bell, of the “Seriously, why haven’t you seen how bad this is” Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor) gets bitten but runs away, and Bob’s your uncle, that subplot can finally go somewhere. Presumably she’ll out herself to the world as a werewolf and screw over every supernatural being on the planet. Is it too early to hate her?

God, Eric Northman is hot. So is Jessica. Billith sends her to fetch the scientist who synthesized True Blood in the first place, and seduce him with a schoolgirl fetish outfit with got a one-way ticket to Tumblr. She just kidnaps him anyway though, so the scene serves absolutely no function except the episode, as a whole, is relatively sex-free, and needed some pointless titillation.

As for Sookie… She’s got royal blood in here, and will presumably become Queen of the Faeries when Rutger Hauer gets written off the show. And to think, we thought she was self-righteous already. (“You’re not god, Bill, you’re just an asshole.”) She’s supposed to be the star of the show, but “True Blood” never seems more tired than when Sookie Stackhouse is on-screen, talking about how perfunctory danger is, and getting awkward half-monologues from new supporting characters that this danger is the real one, even though she’s fought godlike beings a bunch of times and somehow came out okay. It’s not Sookie they’re trying to convince, it’s the audience: “Hey guys, I know we’ve done this five times already, but this time it’s for realsies.”

Thanks, “True Blood.” And thanks for killing all the fae off-screen – except for the ones we’ve met already, we’ll find out later in tacked-on dialogue (thanks, “True Blood”) – and thanks for keeping Ben around even though his stories are crap, there’s no reason for anyone to believe anything he says, and he’s clearly in league with Warlow, if he’s not somehow Warlow himself. Last episode Sookie told him where all the fae were living, now they’re dead, and Ben just happened to be hanging around the crime scene. I’d say he’s a red herring, but “True Blood” ain’t exactly Raymond Chandler material.

So let’s do the math: Eric’s subplot is good enough to compensate for the tragedy that has become Sookie’s subplot, although not enough to make the episode a winner. Billith is getting somewhere, but not fast enough, and Alcide’s a couple episodes away from realizing he’s become everything he hates. Could have been worse, as an individual episode goes, but it’s not until Season 6 gets further along that we really find out what’s been a waste of time and what was actually building to something satisfying.

Meh. Eric’s cool enough to give “You’re No Good” a pass.