Eric André is the funny, completely off-the-wall comedian behind Adult Swim’s The Eric André Show, and he’s on a quest to host the MTV Video Music Awards. On the other hand, I like asking important questions about Freddy Krueger, identical twin mischief and getting high with inanimate objects. These are 7 hypothetical questions for Eric André:
1. On The Eric André Show, the hilarious opening sequence is you destroying lots of stuff on your set. Let’s say you were the world’s greatest cat burglar, and you decided to steal a priceless work of art, in order to destroy it. You will not get caught or suffer any legal consequences. Which piece of art would you destroy?
You know that diamond encrusted Damien Hirst skull? I think it’s kind of… stupid looking? Plus I’m sure it’s worth, like, a bazillion dollars. Or any painting of dogs playing poker.
What would you do to the skull? How would you destroy it?
I would smash it over Damien Hirst’s head. No, I would force it inside of his skull…
I actually don’t hate the guy at all. It would be more of an act of passion. I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m hating on him, I just really don’t like that skull.
2. A funny recurring gag on your show are fake-out guests. The advertised guest is Jack Nicholson or Jerry Seinfeld and we get an impersonator or just a random actor bearing no resemblance to the celebrity. If your talent booker could’ve switched any fake-out guest with the actual celebrity, who would you have picked to interview for real?
All of them! If I could’ve had George Clooney, Jack Nicholson, Russell Brand or Jerry Seinfeld on the show, I wouldn’t have passed on that opportunity. But that being said, I loved all the actors who played the fake versions of those celebrities.
Is there one from that group you would’ve picked over the others?
No, I don’t think so. They’re all my babies. They’re all my children.
3. So let’s say, and I feel like this happens to a lot of folks these days, you acquired Freddy Krueger’s powers and could invade people’s dreams. Whose dream would you invade first, and what kind of crazy nightmares would you give them?
Oh man, that’s a question as old as time…. I think I would invade your nightmares. I think I’d give you a wet nightmare.
Whoa! What happens in a wet nightmare?
It’s when you titty-f*** a zombie.
That sounds really horrible!
Yeah, it’s a pretty exciting time.
Have you ever had a wet nightmare before?
I think so.
Well, then I’ll be in good company. Since you’ve had one, I won’t feel as bad about it.
No, no. You’ll feel great! You’ll titty-f*** a zombie. You’ll lie under a glass coffee table and a vampire will take a s*** on your face…
4. SO! You’d like to host MTV’s Video Music Awards. I think you’d be a terrific host…
Thank you. Tell them that.
Is there an email address folks can write to or a petition…
No, but a petition is a good-ass idea. Can you get that started for me?
I will. I will get that started for you.
Thanks so much. That’s why the universe brought us together!
Agreed! So let’s say you do get the gig. They give you the metaphorical keys to the show, giant sacks of cash from Viacom and unlimited creative freedom. What kind of stuff would you want to do on the VMAs? What’s your vision for it?
I would come out and destroy the whole set. Get mustard all over everybody. I wanna have a dummy 2-hump camel to explode out of and get fake camel guts all over the audience… and, uh, that’s pretty much it. It’s on autopilot after I do that.
The rest writes itself.
Yeah, it pretty much writes itself.
5. In your VMA audition tape, using the magic of video editing, there’s a sequence in which there are two of you. Let’s say that wasn’t editing, but rather, you actually did have a subservient identical twin who would do anything you told him to do. What kind of hijinx are The André Twins getting into?
Does the twin have special powers? Can he be invisible?
…yes. This twin can also be invisible.
Really? That doesn’t seem very realistic.
I’m following your lead here!
You’re talking crazy, man! Well, I think my identical twin could just go up to my wife and squeeze her colostomy bag, so all her poison and waste goes back into her body and just infects her blood.
And you wouldn’t be blamed, cause it’s your twin.
No, I want to be blamed. It’s really weird…
YOU know what I’m talking about!! Classic response!
6. In the early days of MTV, Peter Gabriel apparently called the channel and asked them to stop playing the “Sledgehammer” video, I guess out of fear that they were running the song into the ground. Let’s say MTV didn’t just give you the VMAs, but also allowed you to pick a video that the channel would play incessantly for 7 days straight. Which video would you pick?
I’d pick “2 Chicks One Cup,” just to get the censors all riled up. Either that or Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose.”
It could alternate. It could go Seal, then “2 Girls One Cup,” over and over again.
Yeah, let’s alternate.
7. Let’s say you do get the VMA gig, and MTV sends you a Moonman statue as a gift. In the middle of the night, you feel a tapping on your shoulder, and it’s the Moonman – he’s come to life to warn you that taking this gig is a terrible idea. He says it’s gonna end badly, but he won’t be specific. Also, he really wants to get high with you. Would you back away from the VMAs, and will you smoke up with the Moonman?
I would back out of the VMAs immediately. I’m pretty spineless. If an inanimate object came to life and started talking to me, I wouldn’t worry about the VMAs anymore, because I would tour the world with that little thing and make millions. So my career would start to go in a different path.
I would get high with it. I don’t think I would smoke weed, cause it makes me paranoid and feel like everyone is mad at me, but I would huff ether with it, because I think that would be an interesting experience.
If you think Eric André would make a great host of the VMAs, and I know you do, sign this petition!
Geoffrey Golden is the Editor in Chief of The Devastator: The Quarterly Comedy Magazine For Humans!
