When the news broke of Ben Affleck being cast as the new Batman, the pop culture world came unglued. Granted, there were those who defended the former half of Bennifer and current half of Bennifer 2, saying his recent work proved that the man could both act and direct. Some were even forceful in their defense, like our own William Bibbiani, who went so far as to pen this article.
Still, the shockwave of selecting Ben Affleck as Batman was hard to shake. People were outraged. Nerds dejected. Comic shops were abuzz with heightened cries of foul. I listened to the fetid masses as they spoke at length on the sins of Ben Affleck in the role of the Dark Knight. Then, those same masses turned to me and said, “Iann, what do you think?”
I think the haters are lacking vision.
Did you see Man of Steel? Obviously, from the hammy performance of Henry Cavill, this film was meant to be an ironic comedy. Soundgarden? A weepy, morose, pissed off Superman? Jor-El as the ultimate GPS computer? Come ON, it had to be a joke. With that in mind, Ben Affleck makes perfect sense. In fact, I’ve gone so far as to cast the upcoming Justice League movie with more picks along the same lines as casting Affleck.
See, you just had to look at Ben Affleck in the proper perspective. Okay Zack Snyder, bring on the laughs!!
Casting Call for the Ben Affleck Justice League Movie
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Henry Cavill as Superman
Ha! Who needs Superman to be heroic when we can have a morose, melancholy hero who loves bringing violence to small towns and big cities? Sure, Superman usually puts the lives of victims and the innocent before himself, but why do that when you can cause millions of dollars of damage and still mope around like somebody owes you something? All will be forgiven - just look at his dramatic cheekbones.
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Ben Affleck as Batman
In a real departure, Bruce Wayne isn’t a billionaire. Instead, he’s a working blue collar stiff from Boston. Feeling unfulfilled from owning Wayne Plumbing & Roofing, Bruce Wayne decides to take martial arts. From there, he becomes a bat because bats are “wikked scahry dood.” As Batman, his first battle is with the Joker, who he refers to as “queeah” because he wears make-up.
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Kevin James as The Flash
Using his biting sarcasm and huge personality, this Flash tries to overcompensate for the fact that he’s fat. Whenever he runs, he has to eat, so he keeps stopping at the drive-thru to chow down. The Flash also has trouble stopping, and gets made fun of a lot by Aquaman.
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Mario Lopez as Aquaman
Aquaman is really into working out. He loves meat sandwiches and Gatorade. Using the incredible brightness of his perfect smile, Aquaman is able to force any female sea life to do his bidding. Not wanting to wear a shirt, Aquaman paints gold scales on his incredibly ripped body. Being in the Justice League is cool, but Aquaman really wants to host a morning talk show.
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Nathan Lane as Martian Manhunter
He’s green. He’s alien. He’s fabulous!! Martian Manhunter can infiltrate the mind of any living being. He mostly does it to cabaret performers and Broadway musical stars. Being a hero is fine, but not when the heart pushes you to dance, sing, and entertain.
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Mark Wahlberg as Green Lantern
This Green Lantern has a dark secret. The ring malfunctioned. Instead of looking or the bravest, it sought out the dullest man alive. Green Lantern can only make three constructs with his ring, mainly because he only has three different ways he expresses himself. Desperate to be taken serious as a real hero, Green Lantern tries anything to change the perception that he’s just ordinary and boring. It never works, because he always does the same thing to save the day.
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Lindsay Lohan as Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman has crashed three invisible jets, lost two lassos and thrown up on Superman four times. She cries a lot and is always putting the blame on other people. She’d be an awesome addition to the Justice League if she could just stop shoplifting.
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Kanye West as Cyborg
Using his cyborg parts to create fat beats in the lab is cool, since it keeps the Justice League's space station bumpin’ with hot jams, but it’s of little use in the battle against evil. Cyborg does have one good move. Whenever a villain is giving his world domination speech, Cyborg suddenly appears and tells everybody listening that Black Manta got robbed of being the head of the Legion of Doom. Cyborg’s battle cry of “George Bush Hates Black People” is troubling to the rest of the League.
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John Cena as Hawkman
Best thing about Hawkman: no matter what you do to him, he always gets up at the count of two.
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Woody Allen as The Atom
This Atom is neurotic, always worried that he doesn’t know enough science. He feels inferior to Superman and Batman. Whenever Wonder Woman comes into the room, Atom tries to speak but can’t. All he can do is wring his hands, adjust his glasses, and sweat. When Atom shrinks, he develops an inferiority complex about being too small.
