The purpose of this column/series is to emulate how a meeting would go between a studio executive and a person, a passionate person, with an idea (pitch) for a movie. In this case, or every case for that matter with regards to this series, yours truly is that aforementioned passionate person.
Now that was the polite way of putting it.
In reality, the uninspired suited gatekeepers, who hold all the green light power, need a blunt kick to their out-of-touch bloody skulls! Yeah, they say you get more with honey (being nice). And in order for some these over-paid clowns to buy into a cinematic concept, and then move forward with funding the production, being nice can be the ideal approach. But since the world, specifically the realm of Hollywood, is already fake enough with people constantly masquerading with tactical kindness, let’s just cut the crap and, ironically, have a black-and-white old-school chat.
It’s not that Hollywood fucks it up all the time, but they sure do miss golden opportunities that can be quite baffling to the fans.
And that brings me to this week’s pitch/bitch: Merlin.
HALF-ASSED SORCERY
For a character that’s appeared in an onslaught of movies, television shows, stage plays, etc., the majority of them have never really sunk their teeth into the fantastical lore surrounding the entrancing Merlin. Though a few of them have been solid and captured the essence of the wizard, who could put old Gandalf the Grey to shame, we need to give the magical bearded-wonder the full-blown modern-day cinematic treatment. Thinking holiday release time too, kiddos.
In other words, you’ve pretty much failed up to this point.
PROPER CONJURING
For dramatic purposes, if I had a title for this epic feature in mind (and I do), it would be revealed at the very end. However, how about we cut through the smoke-n-mirrors and just let it out: WIZARD.
Ta-dah!
Just picture that slowly appearing at the end of a captivating trailer; something you guys do very well, hence why you’re still in business after all the horseshit that’s been shoveled upon us over the years.
As for the direction, or perhaps, the gridding of the story may be the better way to put it; this has to be a partial origin story that steadily rises into the time of Camelot and King Arthur. Frankly, I would love to see how someone of this magnitude learns to harness what are essentially immortal powers in a serious manner. So please stay away from the campy young adult adapted novel hoo-hash. How much focus on the “known legend” is debatable, but the hopefulness that surrounds this recently announced project is that a Game of Thrones writer (David Hill) is on board. Having said that, the co-writer attached, David Farr…Uh, he penned the über-boring Hanna. Then there’s mega-producer Donald De Line, whose silver screen magic is very hit-and-miss (Good: The Italian Job and Body of Lies. Bad: Green Lantern and, and we can just stop there). But hey, we’ll take it for now.
The question you people want to ask your arrogant selves is how much liberty should be taken with this? Do you just introduce the Camelot stuff at the end perhaps, or do you just gloss over it during the onscreen odyssey? Remember when Wes Craven twerked, I mean, tweaked (pardon the scary visual), Dracula 2000? Some dug the angle that differed from the historical norm, yet do any of us remember that flick? And more importantly for you bottom-liners, did it make any bloody cash? Regrettably, the answer is NOPE.
To strive for greatness, and sequels, a novel idea would be to have a 30 minute portion revolve around Merlin engaging with King Arthur and that time period we’ve heard an abundance of stories about. Once that concludes, with a teaser of something major transpiring, let’s advance the script, I don’t know, say 40 years after the events of Camelot, giving viewers a fresh angle in what will resemble a chronicling of the wizard’s life. Then, the sequel can be solely about the Camelot period, as strategically teased in the first installment.
Aren’t you kids glad I do this out of the kindness of my heart? (And the CraveOnline paycheck).
UP THE WIZARD SLEEVE
Moving along, I foresee Merlin being an artistic gritty journey; very Lord of the Rings-esque. And yeah, I know my preaching usually entails innovation and trying a new angle, but this needs to be a definitive pic about the revered fictional and mysterious character. Meaning, if this isn’t at least 120 minutes in length, you should all stick his magical staff up your arse (pardon my British cussing).
If anyone is thinking of adding a narrator of sorts, send that idea into oblivion, along with your asstastic self. Casting is key, yet that cannot be foretold until the tone is set in stone (bad puns are fun). There’s also a possibility you can go all god-like with the character and just create a purely fantastical realm, whose only recognizable attributes to the loyal fans are a guy with a beard wielding mystical magic. Hell, why not make him conflicted where he’s enacting evil upon society for a bit and then for whatever reason becomes all noble-like. Works wonders in story-driven videogames these days and those sell as well as a One Direction concert (did I really just reference that?).
Surprisingly, the possibilities are endless (mainly because creativity is never used in the realm of Hollywood anymore). There’s just one element that must be maintained: Spend the money on production and casting!
So, to close out this WIZARD pitch, who should be the man to bring this illusion to life? Translation: Rock the beard?
Joe Belcastro is a contributor to CraveOnline and the writer of the weekly series The Pitch. Follow him on Twitter @TheWritingDemon.
