Objectively speaking, the best film in the Alien franchise is easily Ridley Scott’s 1979 original. But a vague general consensus (gleaned largely from dozens of sci-fi-themed conversations held with and nearby action movie nerds) seems to warrant that James Cameron’s action-packed 1986 follow-up Aliens is actually the reigning champ. People love the action, the badassery, the violence, the monsters, and Ellen Ripley as played by Sigourney Weaver. Well, since this is CraveOnline‘s Trolling – and it’s our sworn duty to beat reigning champs in the face – we’ll just have to put a chip on our shoulders, look you in the eye, and declare that it’s not only not the best in the series, but it may actually suck.
Do you love Aliens? Do you really love Aliens? Well guess what, kiddo. Aliens sucks. Let me tell you a few reasons as to why.
So what Aliens ultimately gives us is a big dumbed-down dumb action movie where a smart and sophisticated horror film once stood.
Until next week, let the hate mail flow.
Witney Seibold is a featured contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, co-host of The B-Movies Podcast and co-star of The Trailer Hitch. You can read his weekly articles Trolling, Free Film School and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.
Eight Reasons Why Aliens SUCKS
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It Ruined Ripley
Ellen Ripley, in the 1979 original, was a rules-minded, hardworking blue-collar grunt. Her encounter with an alien creature simultaneously validated her need to stick to rules (it was she who initially refused to let the creature on board), but she was later forced to reconsider her rules-only tactics when confronted with the chaos the creature carried with it.
In Aliens, Ripley has somehow become a buff-armed, tough-as-nails, ultra-jaded soldier who, let's face it, no longer has any depth of character. She's an off-the-rack badass now, a female version of something Arnold Schwarzenegger may have played in about the same year. She went from being startled and strong and resourceful into a steely cold, determined action heroine. The latter is, I think we can all agree, way less interesting to watch.
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Brawn Over Brains
Alien was a horror film through-and-through, and a scary one at that. It was about what unprepared adults are forced to do (mainly get killed) when faced with a creature that they are simply not prepared to understand. It's about panic and fear and mystery. There is intrigue and deception, all while one of cinema's creepiest creeps is stalking about. Aliens, on the other hand, is about big, dumb meathead marines who are assigned to infiltrate a place that may or may not be infested with hundreds of creatures. Sneaking about using your smarts to outwit a creature is a way better story than anything that involves landing on a planet's surface with guns blazing. The machismo on display is pretty dunderheaded and dull. It would be nice if the film were smart instead.
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The Marines Are Not Interesting
Rich and varied character actors started this franchise. Harry Dean Stanton was in the original for goodness' sake. You got a good sense of each of the blue-collar miners' interests and conflicts on the Nostromo. The Marines from Aliens play more like stock trucker types who each have a single personality trait. There is no emotional bond as a result. What's more, they actively choose to enter a dangerous area, rather then being surprised by it. Why? I can't care for faceless idiots who fight monsters for no reason. Which leads me to my next point...
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Too Much Badass, Not Enough Character
I get the sense that Cameron felt he wasn't capable of recreating the terror of the original (more likely: he had no interest) so instead went for that all-too-easy feature film “out:” He went for cool. Now “cool” can be all well and good, but not when it starts to eclipse logic and entertainment. Case in point: the power loader. It's not a useful prop, and it serves no function other than to look really cool during a final monster fight. Cameron seems to have bent over backwards to have it in the movie, just for that one moment wherein Ripley gets inside of it to fight the evil alien queen and say the word “bitch.” It's sure badass, right? It's cool. But, really, why have one of those on board a spaceship? Asking that question beings to reveal how much more of the movie (guns, soldiers, extended useless action climaxes) is included for logic-free thrill, and how little is devoted to anything of substance.
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It's Way Too Long
Even the most devoted fans of Aliens can agree that 152 minutes (i.e. the extended director's cut) is far too long for any action film. The original cut was already bloated at 137 minutes, complete with a confusing prologue, and way too much time with marines that I already established weren't interesting. What's more, Aliens commits one of the cardinal action movie sins by piling on too many climaxes. Why did Ripley go back into the alien hive? Why does she fight the alien queen? None of that is, strictly speaking, very necessary.
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Newt Is Obnoxious
The only real theme of Aliens is a vague comment on motherhood. In the longer cut, we learn that Ripley lost a child, so she feels protective of her new ersatz daughter. Also she fights an egg-laying monster which is, I suppose technically, also a mother protecting her brood. This would imply that the young girl Newt is the most important character in the piece. The problem with that is that Newt's character vacillated rapidly over the course of the movie. She's strong in certain scenes, and vulnerable in others. She's mute and steely and behaves nothing like a real little girl. Like all the other characters, all of her potential depth is swallowed by dull badass elements.
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The Monsters Aren't Scary Anymore
The original Alien saw a creature whose mechanics we had to learn. We learned it bled acid and reproduced using human bodies as cocoons. I suppose we know all about the monsters going into the 1986 sequel, but the movie adds nothing to the myth of the creature other than they require a big “queen” (and where did it come from?) to lay eggs. We still know nothing about their biology or their life-cycle, but whatever. The monsters are no longer odd or unique. They're just creatures. In terms of plot function, they could be anything. They could be zombies or werewolves or New York gangsters for all the function they serve. When your monster is reduced to “vague threat,” then you don't have a scary monster anymore.
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The Title is Dumb
The title of the original was both a noun and an adjective. It was about an alien, but at the same time, it was about the notion of encountering a thing that is alien. I suppose the makers of the second film wanted to stay away from Alien II, but what they came up with has created a semantic nightmare for generations of genre fans. We can't just say “Aliens.” We have to put a special stress on the “s.” You can't say “I saw Aliens.” You have to say “I saw AlienzzzS! Y'know, the second one!” Dude, what was wrong with Alien II? And it only got worse in 1992 when Alien³ came out. Is that pronounced “Alien to the Third?” or “Alien Cubed?”
