Ask anyone what the best film in the Star Wars series is, and they’ll likely point to Irvin Kershner’s 1980 film The Empire Strikes Back without too much hesitation. Sure, you might find that occasional outlier who has a passionate case for Return of the Jedi, and some of our younger readers who were born in the late 1990s may see all the Star Wars films (including the maligned prequels), but the overwhelming consensus is that The Empire Strikes Back is easily and handily the best. It’s the most dramatic, people will say. Or it’s the most moving. It has the best plot, I have heard. Odd that few people choose my favorite, the 1977 original.
But I’m not here to validate popular opinion, dear readers. I’m not here to give you professional and critical support of an opinion you already have. This is CraveOnline‘s Trolling, my lovelies, and it’s my sworn duty to contradict you, go against the tide of popular opinion, and deliberately piss you off in the process.
And as such, I have decided to come down on one of the single most beloved pop culture tentpoles of all time; seriously, I haven’t talked to anyone who even slightly disliked The Empire Strikes Back. It’s such a beloved film, it’s held up as the standard of how to make a sequel properly. It only won one Oscar back in 1981 (compared to Star Wars‘ seven), but The Empire Strikes Back has gone on to evolve into a monolith of sci-fi worship, often cited as the reason people are into sci-fi – or even movies – to begin with.
But is it good, or are people blinded by its godlike status? Are people merely automatically accepting that it is great without using a critical eye? Indeed, when looked at very closely, could it be that The Empire Strikes Back doesn’t hold up? Indeed, could it be that The Empire Strikes Back… sucks? I have discovered the following: The Empire Strikes Back SUCKS. Let’s look at a few reasons as to why:
Is the film still exciting and fun? For the most part yes, despite its gray, downer town, bad ending, and bad beginning. The visuals are still amazing, and the characters are no less likeable. Plus I like Yoda as a character, and no piece of movie music is more fun than the Imperial Death March. Also, we get to see C3PO blasted into pieces, which was such a relief after two movies of his incessant whining. But The Empire Strikes Back is not a “tight” movie, and it’s not an “important” one as so many people have said. It has many flaws, and it falls apart under simple scrutiny.
Until next week, let the hate mail flow.
Witney Seibold is the head film critic for Nerdist, and a contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly articles Trolling, and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.
The Empire Strikes Back SUCKS!
-
All in the Timing
How much time passes in this film? There are two central plot threads: One in which Darth Vader is chasing Han Solo and his crew looking for Luke Skywalker, and one in which Luke hides out on a swamp planet, receiving Jedi training from Yoda. In the Han Solo plot, they seem to be constantly on the move, eluding capture and hiding out in bizarre places to avoid detection. Maybe three or four days seem to pass. Perhaps a week. On the swamp planet, Luke is going through meditation training, and the tone and pacing seems to imply that months may be passing. So which is it? Was Han Solo on the run for months (which doesn't seem likely), or was Luke's Jedi training a matter of, I dunno, three or four days meditation? And if it's the latter, is Jedi training really so easy that it can be learned in a few days? Is Luke really a Jedi in Return of the Jedi? Just because he has a few days of training from a Yoda?
-
Useless Opening
The film opens with a good 30 minutes of yetis, snowstorms, outright battles, and high tension. Giant walking tanks (and how impractical to have a walking tank) fire upon a rebel base hidden on a snowy planet. Luke Skywalker gets kidnapped by a yeti, has to be rescued, and then attacks the walking tanks... all before the plot gets going. This is a huge chunk of film that is exciting enough, I suppose, but that be snipped from the film altogether without losing any of its plot, pacing, or even tone. It's padding.
-
It Ruined Darth Vader
Darth Vader, in Star Wars, always struck me as a weird underling to the Empire. Like he was an evil monk with psychic powers whom the Empire hired to act as an enforcer, but who wasn't really invested in the Empire's dealings. I got the idea that Darth Vader didn't really care about the Empire, and that he just liked hurting people and having a job to do, and allied himself with the Empire for kicks. In The Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader is not only the commander of an Empire ship (he's a commander now?), but a stern and threatening leader who chokes people for no good reason, answering to the Emperor himself. A) Darth Vader doesn't strike me as the type who would be in charge of anything; he's a cop, not a ship commander. B) Why does he answer to the Empire? Isn't he cooler – and a better character – if he's a free agent?
-
Father?
“I am your father” has become an enormously popular pop culture phrase, and is almost a signifier for any and all plot twists. It's a pity it has permeated the way it has because the “I am your father” plot twist is really, really stupid. The big question that lingers over The Empire Strikes Back is why Darth Vader is so doggedly pursuing Luke Skywalker. It turns out Darth Vader is Luke's father, and Darth Vader wants his son for... I dunno... co-ruling purposes. His father? Doesn't that strike anyone else as dumb? It feels like a such a cheap shot that, when I saw the film for the first time (when I was 19), I thought Darth Vader was just fucking with Luke; messing with Luke's head because he's a sadist. But no. He actually was Luke's father, and the series officially falls apart under that dumb twist that no one has been able to convincingly build upon in any of the sequels or prequels (No. No they haven't).
-
Episode V So Soon?
The power of the original Star Wars comes from its boldly shallow, big-scope rendition of corny old sci-fi serials. There is a childish charm to Star Wars that ensures it as a timeless classic of the genre. It was billed as “Episode IV,” meaning we only saw a small bit of a larger serial wherein rescues and explosions would occur every episode. The worst possible idea, then, would be to jump to Episode V and follow up on the same damn characters. The spirit of the original was betrayed by this approach. A true Star Wars sequel would jump straight to Episode VIII, or something, skipping over plot points and dumping us right into a new adventure like Star Wars initially did. I don't want to see a follow-up with the same people. I want to see where they are in decades, alluding to things we haven't seen. That's more interesting to me.
-
I Hate Cliffhangers
The Empire Strikes Back doesn't end, and that drives me crazy. The film ends with this big dumb plot twist (seriously? His father?), Han Solo is carried away, and the heroes are left at a point where nothing is resolved. True, leaving the conclusion to your imagination is fun, and leaving you thirsty for the next movie is a clever marketing plot (if not a clever storytelling ploy), but couldn't there be some sort of catharsis? Some sort of triumph, failure, or... y'know, actual ending? The Empire Strikes Back builds and builds and then just sort of limply peters out. Like the first 30 minutes of film, the last 30 minutes are a jumble of useless fights that exist for thrills but not for plot. Just wrap things up, please. I don't have the patience for this.
-
Too Serious
My biggest problem with The Empire Strikes Back is its tone. This is a film that took lightweight, archetypal characters – characters who were built on old-timey clichés and gained their strength from being broad and simple – and tried to give them depth and drama and a more realistic edge. And that doesn't sit right, does it? Making cartoony character more serious only illustrates how shallow they were to begin with. I don't want to take someone like Luke Skywalker “seriously.” I want him to be a cartoon. That would be like making Superman... Oh wait. It would be like if the Ninja Turtles... scratch that. It would be like taking the Transformers.... no... That would be like taking characters from the Avengers... Fuck it. You guys run with this one.
-
Boba Fett is Stupid
No reason. I just wanted to make you mad on this one.
