And while there might be a couple of reasons for the blow off, there’s one—assuming you’re a decent guy with above average hygiene and way below average creepiness—that accounts for more failed approaches than any other: The Panhandler Syndrome.
Let me explain how it works, as I did in my book. Remember the last time you got approached by a panhandler? Some guy shuffled up to you, hand extended and said, “Excuse me, can you spare some change so I can get something to eat?” Being a generous guy, you reach into your pocket and hand him a few coins, maybe a couple of bucks. No big deal. Made you feel like a Good Samaritan. Got your Karma on the plus side for the week.
But what if it wasn’t just one guy approaching you every once in a while? What if there were panhandlers hitting you up for money a dozen or more time a day, every single day? Now how would you answer when they came up asking for money? If you’re like most guys, you’d hit ‘em with “I don’t have any change!” before they even got to the end of their pitch, muttering “asshole” under your breath as you bolt. Sound familiar? It should.
Because if you change the main characters here from a panhandler and his target, to a guy and a girl, you can understand why they react the way they do. Imagine if you were a hot girl. And all day, every day, guys are coming up to you. Trying to talk to you. Hitting on you. Making some asinine comments they think are clever. Or even just staring. You’d snap as soon as you heard, “Hi, my name’s John and I…”
We are nothing but panhandlers to most women. Only instead of money, we’re begging for phone numbers. And dates. And sex. Just a constant parade of dipshits, using the same tired lines, expecting her to fall hopelessly in bed with them. It’s no wonder women react the way they do.
So here’s the thing to remember: When you get shot down that quickly, most of the time it’s not you. Not how you look, not your personality… it’s your approach she’s reacting to. It’s the Panhandler Syndrome, and it’s become a reflex to her.
This is why using indirect openers works better, because you sidestep her defensive shields. She doesn’t get the feeling you’re just another “panhandling” guy begging for a date, you don’t seem to be hitting on her at all.
And “opinion” openers work really well, because, honestly, everyone has an opinion, and most people love to tell you theirs. What do I mean by opinion opener? Here’s an example:
Say you’re in a coffee shop and there’s a hot girl sitting at a table by herself. Instead of the usual line, casually ask her a question: “Is that chai? I’ve heard for every 3 cups you drink, you add a week on to your life. What do you think, is it really that healthy?” or “You look like a coffee veteran… Help me settle a bet with my buddy, I say a latte and a cappuccino are the same thing, he says they’re different. What do you think?”
What you ask really isn’t as important as how you ask. Make it casual, not douchebaggy. And never ask a question that can be answered with a yes or no. Trust me, this will open the conversation, and get you past the knee-jerk blow off. What you do after that is up to you, but at least now you have a fighting chance.
