No matter what you think, all men tuck away secrets that will inevitably rise to the surface one fateful day. Instead of having mother catch you in the act or your girlfriend learn of a double life one week before the wedding, let’s just be out with it already and wave our white flags. Because lord knows, loving something
foul or shameful with outward conviction is a hell of a lot cooler than being caught red-handed or with your pants down. Every man has skeletons, and if we reveal them to the world, they’re no longer skeletons at all, but instead are relinquishment of the creepy real-life scenarios people now know you brazenly perform. That’s much better.
Big Boys Do Cry
The discharge of precious salty tears, even to this day for some guys, is a nonverbal admission of your lacking testosterone, no matter how sad the film or how distressing the life experience. Where men have played off this great fear with truly debonair acting through conveniently timed allergies, retinal obstructions and perfectly timed restroom breaks, there seems to be a softening of the general male population into a cult of somewhat comfortable criers. No more should man hide his tears of joy or wallowing of displeasure. When the dog dies at the end of “Marley and Me,” it’s only natural to want things to be different. It’s better to have cried a thousand tears than to bottle the emotion up and end up having a heart attack. But it’s also okay to save the crying for later if your manhood has already been assailed, or if you are a really embarrassing crier.
Man Crushing
At some point in our lives, we dreamt of being a famous thespian, musician or pejorative flunky, famous for being famous. Sure, “Fight Club” was an epic film, as was the Chuck Palahniuk fiction to preface it, but after enough screenings, which allowed you to recite the 139-minute film by heart without realizing it, it became more of an opportunity to study Brad Pitt’s chops, compare abs and observe his devil-may-care quality of life as his biggest supporter.
There’s nothing wrong with having a man crush in your life. If anything, it’s more of an adult role model, someone who succeeds in doing the things you wish for yourself, be it business or personal. Or maybe there’s a hint of bi-curiosity lingering in your loins. Nothing wrong with that, either.
Chain Yankers
We’re not yanking yours; but you probably are, most likely on a ritual daily basis with candles burning and sounds of whales
mating (or just regular porn) bouncing off the walls. Maybe you perform asexual assault on your manpiece, “cook the kielbasa” as it were, more often than you cook meals in a day. Point being, we all do it, even women. Especially women. At least we like to believe so as we batter ourselves.
Have you any idea how much violence and anger would exist in the world – as if it’s not bad enough already – if people didn’t get a little hand release once every few days? There’s nothing wrong with admitting your imperfections rather than falsely standing on high moral ground, so long as this admission isn’t accompanied by a public acting out of any sort. (Related: Signs Your Roommate is Masturbating)
Soap Stints
If you didn’t grow up watching “Beverly Hills 90210,” the California dream found you via “The O.C.” or “Baywatch,” the latter of which may have been too hardcore and hormone empowering for your parents to contain. Within the life of a simple, easy-going man lies a selfish need for drama, and without a girlfriend to deal with, a man will live vicariously through the soap operas of daytime television. As long as drama doesn’t consume a man, his time spent viewing “Days of Our Lives” is time well spent, especially if he really enjoys it.
Man Makeup
There’s nothing wrong with using a little eyeliner or fingernail polish, as long as you know the general public won’t accept you. Once you get over that whole mess and make peace with doing things you like despite scrutiny, you can bask in the glow of your newly manicured toes, shave your chest hairs how you like and style yourself in the manner that helps you best sleep at night. Physical appearance is one that becomes less to categorize as everything seems relevant, nostalgic and new age all at once. Every time period, clothing fad and mustache form that ever once existed still exists someplace t
oday. The girls of the world wear less now than ever but in more stellar fashion than ever before, so the size of one’s drawers, the jewelry on his hands and around his neck are all par for the course. Not every man will agree you’re from the same planet as he, but you’ll play your role in society whether he likes it or not.
Man-on-Man Entertainment
A majority of men watched and enjoyed the phenomenon of pro wrestling at an early age. Some continue this very ritual alone in their underwear in their kitchenless, bathroom-sized bachelor pads with nothing but a bong for a friend, but that’s all part of growing up.
The rest of us lived in blissful ignorance of the goings-on of the wrestling confederation with our plastic ninja turtles and ghost-busting jumpsuits. It’s hard to say whether too much guy-on-guy spandex action warps a boy’s senses away from the real world, but then again, some men grow old convinced their DNA is partially dinosaur. With gay marriage quickly becoming more accepted throughout the nation, don’t be surprised if wrestling resurges as the great sport of mankind.
Poor Taste, Bud
Let’s face it, not a single one of us has always liked the best music, movies or foods. Not every taste bud is going to be a good one; some understand the great aging of red wines and some relish a quarter-pounder from the nearest fast food franchise. Without bad taste buds for things like food and music preference, there wouldn’t be stacks of albums on your dresser collecting dust as they find it troublesome making it into the record player since the late twentieth century. But don’t be embarrassed that you once bought a Chumbawamba CD or waited in line to buy tickets for a Papa Roach concert. We’ve all been there, so we should all know that when you get knocked down, you get up again, because you’re never gonna keep me down.
Picking of the Nose
Every boy dreamt of being a pirate, but only some quit digging for buried treasure once their mothers taught them some manners. The rest invested the better part of their adulthood booger-plunging in public without a morsel of nostril remorse, and it became a gateway to much larger problems. Problems like ending up on TV and having their nasty nose-picking habit exposed (see video below). However, all men are guilty of the occasional pick; some just hide it better than others. The ones who also eat it, though, cannot be defended. That’s just gross.
